The Smoking Tongue

Day 130: Bee Sting Mango

2005-11-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Half Moon Bay Trading Company Bee Sting Mango Passion Pepper Sauce"

On a whim, I went back to the little import store where I found the first Bee Sting sauce. I was completely surprised to find this very last bottle hiding behind all the other Bee Stings. The labels looked the same from afar, but upon close inspection I could see color differences in the font.

Today is Black Friday, so all the women are out shopping their hearts out. I weaseled my way into getting a few of the guys to eat lunch at the China Buffet. This way I could finally try out this sweet honey sauce. (I'm starting to realize that this is becoming a problem. My girlfriend has commented more than once that my lunches, and sometimes whole days, revolve around what kind of hot sauce I'm trying to finish that day)

Ulterior motives aside, the sauce went really well with the cuisine. In fact, it went much better than even the Dragon Sauce I used last time.

The flavor is sweet, and pretty mute. It simply added to the heavy sauces the restaurant was already using, instead of conflicting with them.

The smell, however, is amazing. It smells like my mom's spice rack. Sweet, sweet memories.

This fruity delight is a tribute to love... of world cuisine, vibrant latino culture and of course the human bond! Succulent tropical fruit melds with the fresh "killer bee" honey to create a sweet-hot sensation in your mouth. For kicks & hot licks, try it on anything you'd use syrups, glazes or jellies on (except sensitive areas of the skin or eyes silly)."

Wow, if that isn't a ringing endorsement to start your own company....

Bottoms up!

Wow! (Not the good kind of wow)
Wow, this was really mute! I'm surprised I enjoyed this during lunch so much. The flavor certainly starts out good, but then it just disappears. I've licked, and relicked the remaining sauce from the shot glass, hoping to pick up more. There's just nothing there.

This shit isn't hot sauce! I appreciate chefs trying out different things, but this crap has got to stop. Just because you can mash two different vegetables together, doesn't mean you have to slap a label on a bottle and start selling it as hot sauce! Ketchup is made from tomatoes and sugar mashed together. They're not selling it in a 5 ounce, 5 dollar glass bottle and calling it "Termater Pepper Sauce" !!

Tomorrow: Paisanito's Chipotle Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Mango

Day 129: Dave's Insanity Jalapeno

2005-11-24T19:19:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Dave's Gourmet Hurtin' Jalapeno Hot Sauce"

I guess Hurtin' Jalapeno has a better ring than Jolty Chayote. I'm a little torn between the disclosure of this sauce, or just not giving a shit. On one hand, the main ingredient is chayote pulp, a native Guatemalan vegetable also known as "Vegetable pear" and "Mango squash". That's a far cry from the delicious pepper I drool about called, Jalapeno. On the other hand, it really passed as a Jalapeno sauce when it was on my food.

I guess maybe I would have eaten more broccoli as a kid if my parents simply would have called it green ice cream.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My girlfriend's sister had knee surgery last week, so she came up with the brilliant idea that the "men" would cook Thanksgiving dinner. Didn't bother me, I've done it all before, with success. And you can't go wrong with the classics. It also allows you to make sure that all your favorites are there. For me that could be summed up in one word. Stuffing.

I woke up at 6, made sweet Cajun love to the turkey, and cracked my first beer open by 9 a.m. Definitely a start to a great day.

Once the food was served, I ran upstairs to my suitcase and brought down the 4 hot sauces I was going to use for the next 4 days. Today I chose a jalapeno sauce. I already had great success with green chiles in Stove Top Stuffing before, and I thought it might also go weirdly well with the turkey.

After we said grace, I threw caution to the wind and poured half the bottle over the whole plate. I was so hungry, I didn't want to stop and shake more out later. It was a dark, off-green color. Before I even ate my first bite, my girlfriend's dad started laughing out loud and said, "It looks like your plate is covered in goose shit!"

Having raised a few geese on our farm as a kid, I whole-heartedly agreed. Luckily, it didn't taste like any goose poop I had ever eaten.

"So Green, It's Obscene!"

I could barely smell anything from the bottle. Hardly any smell, no aroma. Just a small hint of green chiles, lime, and fruit.

I thought it went well with the meal. Nothing I'd purposely pick again, but the green flavor worked with the turkey, and certainly added a nice juice to the stuffing and potatoes. The first few bites seemed to flood my mouth with heat, but after a while it wasn't a factor, and I finished the bottle in one meal.

Bottoms up!

This didn't taste very good alone. The not-really-jalapeno flavor is too muted. It's hard for me to believe that it falls under the Dave's Insanity label. The world renown label of being absolutely, positively not muted! I guess the only reason I didn't notice the lack of flavor during lunch was because I used a whole bottle. I can't imagine anyone putting a few drops of this sauce on some food and tasting it. To add insult to injury: the heat barely tickled my tongue.

This tasty jalapeno sauce is made with chayote, a Mexican vegetable. Try it on burritos, pastas, chicken, salads and in soups. Enjoy!
Warning! This product may be addictive to those with taste buds, but don't worry, we'll make more."

Hard to claim it as a Jalapeno sauce when jalapenos were listed after leeks, and after coriander. Maybe it's a leek sauce? Squash sauce? Disappointing sauce, for sure.

Tomorrow: Bee Sting Mango Passion Pepper Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 128: Louisiana The Perfect Jalapeno

2005-11-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Louisiana The Perfect Jalapeno Hot Sauce One Drop Does It"

I told myself long ago that I would never touch these thin, little, shitty excuses for hot sauces, ever again. And here I am with the full set again. Eating a hot sauce a day has depleted my collection, and my will power. After many months, I was just unable to ignore these 99 cent local purchases.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and today is Shit-I-have-to-work day. I tried to get out early, but it just wasn't working out. Due to all the errands I had yet to run, and all the traveling, I needed something "easy" to eat today as a hot sauce. Matching hot sauces with unknown travel food is a logistics nightmare. So I picked a 3 ounce bottle, and I picked their Jalapeno flavor, since that sucks ass the least.

I lucked out and was able to eat cold, leftover Lasagna for lunch (Is it still lunch when it's 3:30 in the afternoon?) The sauce was dark, murky, and a depressing green color. Just the other day I was complaining about fake food coloring, and now I'm looking at something that really could have used it. Something must be wrong with me.

I guess I only care about the color when it tastes bad. When it tastes good, I never care about the color.

The flavor was like most green vinegar sauces. Tart, too much vinegar, and too runny. It has a green flavor to it, but nothing that any self respecting Jalapeno would be proud of. It's almost like this just came from the water that washed the jalapenos, before the peppers got shipped off to a REAL hot sauce company.

"Mild Flavor!"

Each one of the Louisiana sauces have a sticker at the top that have a different saying. Their main sauce says "Original", and for years I thought that was the company's name! This bottle says, "Mild Flavor", and I have to ask, why bring attention to a bad thing? Mild flavor sums this up nicely. It's so mild, you can barely taste any flavor.

Bottoms up!

Wow, this was tart!
When I got home from work, the first thing I did was pour myself a shot and take a picture. This way I could pack up the camera, and could safely finish the rest of the hot sauce no matter where supper ended up being tonight.

Tomorrow: Dave's Insanity Hurtin' Jalapeno

Topics: Hot Sauce, Jalapeno

Day 127: Longbranch Salsa Rio Verde

2005-11-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Longbranch Trading Co. Gourmet Sauce - Salsa Rio Verde - Salsa Verde 5 Pepper Blend"

From Long Beach, California comes Longbranch Trading Company. Named after a grandparent's General Store, Curt & Pam Worthy recently started making commercial sauces for the same reason almost everyone else does: Friends and family kept yammering for more. Well, my momma told me I was good looking, and that was a damn lie. And we've all seen the disasters on American Idol where people were incorrectly told by friends that they had voices like angels.

So how did they do?

At their first competition, 3 of their sauces won a total of 4 awards. I remember back when they first announced it. I remember thinking what a great maiden voyage it was, to win 4 awards at Zest Fest! However, today I figured out that the competition was actually Zesty Best. Not Zest Fest. Big difference. Like winning a high school football game vs. the Super Bowl.

And of course when I grabbed the closest Longbranch hot sauce for lunch, I grabbed the only one that had not won any award.

The sauce smells pungent & fresh, with lots of lime. Although I wouldn't call it a thick sauce, I was surprised how thick it was considering the first two ingredients were liquid. The rest must have been some high quality pepper mash.

The flavor didn't sit well with me at all. Made my tacos taste pretty bad. The main problem for me is simply the vinegar. Apple Cider Vinegar, to be precise. I don't think I've ever had a sauce with Apple Cider Vinegar that I liked. It's just an overpowering flavor, and a flavor I don't like. Sadly, it looks like most of the Longbranch sauces have that as the main ingredient.

I'm pretty sure this is different strokes for different folks. There has certainly been some positive reviews for this sauce. One even took delight in the Apple Cider Vinegar ingredient. Yech!!

Also, the creator of this sauce has mentioned that it goes great with pork chops. Sadly, none were available to me today.

I'm still looking forward to the other three. It can only go up from here. Plus, I like a challenge. At least one of the others is suppose to be a lot hotter.

Bottoms Up!

Some how this sauce seemed to get thicker and get stuck while going down my throat. While it was camping there, it had plenty of time to start burning my esophagus.

Liquid Plumber cleaning a sink drain did come to mind.

Green, harsh, and pretty hot.

Salsa Verde 5 Pepper Blend. This Blend of Fresh Serrano, Dry Serrano, Jalapeno, Habanero and Roasted Green Peppers give this sauce a lively flavor that explodes on your taste buds and keeps them warm and happy."

Other Longbranch sauces:
Longbranch Trading Co. - Longbranch Original
Longbranch Trading Co. - Dorsey's Reserve
Longbranch Trading Co. - Hot Blonde

Tomorrow: Louisiana The Perfect Jalapeno

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 126: Taste of Thai Garlic

2005-11-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "A Taste of Thai Garlic Chili Pepper Sauce"

I like the shape of this bottle. It's squat, and actually flares out at the top before coming back in for the neck. Due to this, it can hold 7 ounces of liquid goodness inside. I found this gem in the Asian food aisle. The back of the bottle says it was made in Thailand for Andre Prost Inc.

"Real Thai - Real Easy"

I'm usually pretty leery of Asian sauces, because they are usually sickeningly sweet. Some shouldn't even have the word "pepper" in the name. Unless, of course, "pepper" in that language stands for sugar.

This sauce, however, was excellent. I think the reason I liked it so much is because I'm such a big fan of the Rooster Sauce. Taste of Thai is just like a runnier version of Huy Fong's Rooster sauce. It's heavy on the garlic, sweet (but not too sweet), and the great pepper flavor that must be Sriracha. If the Rooster Sauce wasn't already so cheap, I'd make the switch to Taste of Thai in a second.

As far as cuisine goes, today was pretty boring. First I had leftovers, and then later I had leftovers. I finished up the night with more leftovers. Luckily this sauce tasted great with all of them, and I was able to finish the bottle without any problem.

A straight shot of this verified how similar it tasted to Rooster Sauce. Leaves a nice little burn in the back of the throat that quickly disappears. The flavor of the sriracha peppers is very strong, and very good.

Even though this sauce is runnier than Rooster, it was still thick enough to stick to the sides of the shot glass. I gladly licked the rest out since it tasted so good.

Garlic Chili Pepper Sauce - Thais add spice to their food with this tangy hot sauce. It's hot, but not fiery, and has all that really good garlic. You can use it on almost anything. Ingredients: Red Chili , water, sugar, garlic, vinegar, salt.. Free Online Recipe Club! www.atasteofthai.com"

Other sauces by Taste of Thai:
A Taste of Thai Sweet Red Chili Sauce
A Taste of Thai Fish Sauce

Tomorrow: Longbranch Trading Co. Salsa Rio Verde

Topics: Hot Sauce, Thai

Day 125: Busha Browne's Spicy Jerk

2005-11-20T20:00:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Busha Browne's Spicy Jerk Sauce"

This is definitely everything A1 Steak Sauce wishes it could be. It would win hands down if people did the Pepsi Challenge with it. The flavor is very familiar. I’m sure everyone has tasted something similar to it. In my mind, it seems to be a cross between soy sauce and Worchester sauce, with a very sweet, tart, tangy kick.

I wouldn't consider this a hot sauce any day of the week. But it seems to have been lived an awkward life in the hot sauce section any time that I see it, and is always listed in the big hot sauce catalogs - so what the hell.

I went through my whole fridge and all my cupboards today. I put this sauce on just about everything in the house. I had it on a single fried egg. One last remaining piece of cold pizza. Half a steak hiding in a Tupperware container. Spaghetti. There isn't anything this sauce wouldn't taste good on. It just goes great with everything!

"A Traditional Spicy-Hot Sauce. The Quintessential Taste of Jamaican Cooking."

No, I'm not eating a baby seal stuck in an oil slick. I had no idea when I took this picture it would look like motor oil. I guess the Rotini casserole looks like dog poop too. I guess I should have put a sprig of parsley in there somewhere.

Anyway, it was still pretty good, even though I didn't have much sauce left.

Back of the bottle:

Jerked Pork is unique to Jamaica. In the seventeenth century Fugitive 'Maroons' depended on this original practice of cooking.

Traditionally, jerked meat is coated with seasonings and cooked on a lattice of smoking pimento branches over hot charcoal. The mouth-watering aroma from streetside barbecues entices many a hungry traveller."

This was an excellent sauce. Just don't call it hot sauce.

Tomorrow: A Taste Of Thai Garlic Chili Pepper Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 124: El Yucateco Jalapeno

2005-11-19T06:06:00.000-08:00

Raunchy.
This is a good, raunchy, jalapeno flavored hot sauce. It's like the uncle that tells racist jokes at Thanksgiving. The freaky ex-girlfriend with armpit hair. A dirty joke whispered at church. The heat level is surprising. The taste is a collision of pissed off ingredients.

It's a mean little fucker hiding behind a cute label, that's for sure. Whoever cooked this up probably watched their dog die that day. Most brands that sell many flavors use the jalapeno sauce as their wimpy sauce. Not this one. I have no doubts that this bottle sits in the back of many cupboards. A weekly reminder of their one failed excursion away from their normal Frank's Red Hot and Tabasco.

True hot sauce lovers should find this sauce enjoyable, with plenty of uses.

The food coloring is a little off putting. Does a crayola-green color sell better than other off-greens?

Eating a bottle of hot sauce a day has been getting easier. Today I finished most of the sauce during breakfast.
*FLEXES*

What to do for the rest of the day??

Bottoms Up!

I grew a couple chest hairs right on the spot. Drinking this stuff straight gave me double vision for a few seconds. My throat was stripped raw. I'm still talking like Barry White. Woah.

The first, the last, my everything
And the answer to all my dreams
You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star
My kind of wonderful, that's what you are."

Tomorrow: Busha Browne's Spicy Jerk Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Jalapeno

Day 123: El Yucateco Caribbean

2005-11-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

Full name: El Yucateco Caribbean Hot Sauce Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero"

When people ask me what my favorite sauce is, this is the sauce I tell them.

It has heat, flavor, availability, and it's cheap. And when you eat as much heat as me, you either need a cheap sauce, or an extract. For a natural sauce, this probably has one of the highest BPP. (Butane Per Penny)

In real life, however, I'm so anal retentive that I could hem & haw for 10 minutes as I try to wrap my nerdy little mind around the correct answer. If I don't care about heat, I think Rooster sauce is the answer. If I want the best extract, Z is the best tasting. There are at least 10 other sauces that are perfect for different occasions. By the time I'm done making a dipshit out of myself, the person will excuse themselves and try walking away. That's when I figure out they were just trying to be friendly and chitchat with me as we stood by my hot sauce collection at work.

So this is my simple, 90% correct answer.

Without a doubt, however, this is the best sauce El Yucateco puts out. Even though it's only their 2nd hottest, it's their best flavor. (And with El Yucateco, finishing second in heat is still pretty kick ass, let me tell you)

I remember years ago having my first bottle. I was putting a dab here & there on a Subway sandwich. I went through almost a whole box of kleenex as my nose ran like a leaky faucet. Damn, I thought it was hot. A real builder.

Now, I can eat a whole bottle in one day. What's that mean? It means your mileage may vary. Use with caution. Or use a lot, depending on where you fit in on the heatness scale.

Whoops. I was enjoying this sauce so much during lunch, I emptied it out before realizing what happened. What you see here are the last few miserable drops left for tonight.

My mom always used to say we should finish our plates because there were starving kids in Africa. I say finish your hot sauce, because there is a dry mouth here in the Smoking Tongue household tonight!

Tomorrow: El Yucateco Jalapeno Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Caribbean

Day 122: Torchbearer #7 Sultry

2005-11-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Torchbearer Sauces Super Fancy #7 Sultry Sauce"

I'm really sort of disappointed. I couldn't tell any difference between this #7 sauce, and the #4 sauce I had yesterday.

With the huge jump in heat I noticed from #1 to #4, I was really expecting another big jump in heat. Instead I found myself checking the label to make sure I wasn't eating another #4.

Despite this, I had one of the best lunches in a long time today. Our chef likes to mimic restaurants sometimes. Today was a new one: Outback Steakhouse Alice Springs Chicken. It has mushrooms, bacon, and a layer of cheese smothered over a grilled chicken. I don't know who Alice is, but she makes a damn fine combination.

I spooned this sauce on top of the chicken, where it hung on without even attempting to run off. Eat bite was a little slice of heaven, although I'm pretty sure the Alice Chicken was doing most of the work.

Number one ingredient in this sauce is Mandarin Oranges. Then the familiar carrots, onions and tomato concentrate found in almost all the Torchbearer sauces.

Let's see what their crazy label says this time:

We heard a tale about a Mr. And Missus with an affinity for #7 said she put it in his coffee for a wake-up call. He put it on her unmentionables for a wake up call, and they both ate it on fried chicken, and tahini with water cress, people say it kept the fire between them, that's just what we heard. "A darn good condiment enhances what you want it to."

Did I read that right? She puts it on her unmentionables? Well, that's a first. As a first hand victim of Hunan Hand, and a second hand victim of having accidentally shared my smoking tongue after a spicy supper, I can attest that no one would do that on purpose. I can still remember the curses my girlfriend screamed out at me.

A spoonful of hot sauce makes the medicine go down.
I have to admit. While eating this massive spoonful, I definitely tasted the extra heat. It wasn't a whole lot hotter, but it was definitely hotter than yesterday's. I'm getting anxious to get into scorching territory.

I'm also hoping that the next sauce in the Torchbearer line won't taste exactly the same. So far, I'd be hard pressed to tell which tomato & orange pasty-paste is which. If they're all going to be the same, why stop at 7 different sauces? Why not make 100? The words on the labels seem to be made from a random word generator, so what the heck.

Tomorrow: El Yucateco Caribbean Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 121: Torchbearer #4 Tingly

2005-11-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Torchbearer Sauces Super Fancy #4 Tingly Sauce"

Wow, a big jump in heat for being merely the 2nd one in the line. We went from nothing on the radar with the first one, to "Incoming!!" on the 2nd one. I can't wait to see what's in store from them next.

An enjoyable sauce, and damn if the name Tingly ain't exactly what was happening to my tongue. And getting a tingling sensation on my worn torn tongue probably means normal people will feel the heat. The flavor was good, but just a bit too much on the tomato paste side. Not enough to complain, just enough to think about.

The flavor is like taking a sweet carrot type hot sauce and churning it into a thick salsa.

The sauce is extremely thick, requiring a spoon to scoop it out. The creators knew this, so luckily all their sauces come in a jar format. I spread it on sandwiches and on a lunch called "Paella". Our chef at work called it his Jambalaya without the spices. When I went through the lunch line, he said I'd have to add my own heat to it. I told him, "I always do anyways."

This sauce was way too easy to finish in one day. I wish they were all this easy and enjoyable.

Preacher's wife Dixie Earline never did do nothin but cook. Used the #4 in her potluck, plus paired it with extra lard for signature flavor on cover-dish Sundays. Most figured she cooked extra out of commitment to the community. Ones who knew better said she kept cooking to keep her husband eating. That way she didn't have to hear him running his mouth. "Let me Fix You a Plate"

Um.... Ok.

A spoonful of hot sauce makes the medicine go down.

Another case where I felt like I was wasting perfectly good sauce eating it straight. I still had dry naked food that was begging for more of it.

I would never, ever want to eat a spoonful of Huntz tomato paste. And on a much smaller scale, I had the same feelings with this.

Two down, five to go. How crazy can it get?????

Tomorrow: Torchbearer #7 Sultry Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 120: Valentina Salsa Picante

2005-11-15T21:35:00.000-08:00

This is a big ass bottle. 12.5 ounces of picante flavored hot sauce. I could have picked up a different sized bottle, but... I didn't think I could finish a 34 ounces bottle.

Yep, this is as small as it gets.

With a bottle this hefty, a special day had to be chosen. At work, we had our Thanksgiving pot luck today. They'd probably have it sooner to Thanksgiving, but I think the higher up mucky mucks are probably taking 7 days off around Thanksgiving. Better have it early while they're still here.

Last year when we had it, I sat by two skinny guys with voracious appetites. They went back 7 times for food. It was an amazing thing to watch. I figured if I sat next to them this year, their gluttony would rub off me and I'd have enough food to make it through this bottle.

While it was a good plan, I did run into one problem right away. When you open the top part of the cap, there is a nub inside blocking the hole. It's plastic and you're suppose to push it in, or pull it out, or some damn thing I couldn't figure out. My food was getting cold. The main cap is also glued onto the bottle. There's only one way in our out.

In the end, I finally pushed the knob all the way in. How I wish I had a needle nose pliers to pull it out. Because now the nub floated in the sauce and would always block the hole when I tried to pour sauce out. It took a hell of a lot of shaking to get any sauce out. Eventually, I ate enough of the sauce, that it was able to float into a different position instead of at the very top, and it started to pour out just fine.

The flavor of this sauce is pretty good, despite the heavy picante flavor. And let me tell you, if you like this sauce, you're in for a real treat. It's dirt cheap, easy to find, and comes in almost gallon size containers.

Although I could think of better sauces to use, this picante sauce went well with turkey, stuffing, ham, corn chowder, more stuffing, and more turkey.

For supper my girl friend brought home left over Chinese. I poured a ton of this stuff over the rice, and it soaked in all the way. Surprisingly, it still tasted great.

I never realized before that the label was all in Spanish. That explains the cheaply printed sticker on the back that lists all the ingredients, calories, etc, in English.

Bottoms Up!

This was so good, I had to have 2 shots! Actually, I just had so much left after supper, that the only way to finish it off was to drink it straight.

After a long day of eating too much, I just feel like laying down on the couch, pretend to watch TV, and fall asleep.

Valentina makes an extra hot version. Sadly, its flavor isn't very good, and the discoloration at the top is pretty bad. I do have it sitting in the basement for a rainy day, but I'm in no rush to do a whole 12.5 ounces.

Tomorrow: Torchbearer #4 Tingly Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 119: Amazon Hot Sauce

2005-11-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Rainforest Brand Green Amazon Pepper Sauce"

I'm not sure who used to make this hot sauce. The back of the label simply says "HVJ International, Houston, TX". And they're probably only a Distributor. It also says it's a product of Columbia.

I was pretty sure that it was made by Amazon Pepper company from Columbia. They have a green sauce that looks just like it, with similar ingredients (except more preservatives). The only confusing thing is that this bottle says "Rainforest Brand (TM)" which doesn't add up. Maybe they were bought out. Maybe Amazon Pepper changed their name. Maybe it's a completely different company that no longer exists.

Oh well. I guess this is what I get for buying discounted items online.

Despite its mysterious origins, the sauce was really good. It has a great balance between jalapeno and vinegar. It has a similar flavor to Panola Green Pepper Sauce, except a lot more muted. It was a lot thicker, but not as much zing. If I had to choose between the two, I'd definitely go with Panola's.

Bottoms Up!

I'm just happy that this bottle held up so well over so much time. I wish I had eaten this before Panola. Then I could focus on how good it is. However, now all I can think about is how much better Panola's was.

Tomorrow: Valentina Salsa Picante

Topics: Hot Sauce, Amazon

Day 118: Vigo Extra Hot

2005-11-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Vigo Cinco De Mayo Salsa Picante XXX Cuidado With Cayenne Peppers"

Could there be any more vinegar? I don't think it's possible. This thing is ripe with vinegar and it will assault your nostrils and your tongue.

Visually, this sauce had peculiar white specks in the sauce. They made it a little lighter in color, and a nice change of pace from the deep dark red of most vinegar sauces. However, it does make me wonder what the hell it was.

Flavor wise, this is nothing like the last Vigo sauce I had. Just because they put a XXX on the front, doesn't mean they took the same tired old recipe and added 20% more heat. Nope, this was a completely different flavor. Unfortunately, it was mostly vinegar.

Although most hot sauces are celebrated for their fiery attributes, many are so hot that they conceal the flavor of the foods they are sprinkled on. Enthusiasts now realize that heat must be balanced with flavor. This is accomplished in all three Vigo Hot Sauces. The Cinco de Mayo Salsa Picante is made with world famous cayenne peppers. It packs the right amount of heat to justify its warning in Spanish on the front of the label which says "CUIDADO", meaning "watch out."

Yea, yea, yea. That's what they all say. They went full bore on the heat, and simply forgot about the flavor. There's nothing here but vinegar. During lunch I even scoffed at the heat. However, I must not have used very much. When it came time for supper, I had over half a bottle left. Time to kick it in gear.

Since I was having stromboli, and this sauce was extremely runny, I just put the rest of the bottle in a bowl, and soaked my sandwich in it for each bite. I wasn't even 2 minutes into the meal before I had to stop and take a break! This bad boy is hot!

Once I landed back on Earth, I started eating again. Two minutes later, another break. This bad boy is REALLY hot!

This is how my supper went. It took a while to finish. I'm amazed, because this hardly ever happens to me with a non-extract hot sauce. Without a doubt, this is the hottest runny vinegar sauce I can ever remember having.

Just when I finally crawled to the end of supper, I had a shot of this to swallow. My mouth already on fire, I just popped it down the hatch.

Cayenne Peppers? This hot? You've got to be kidding me. There are some habanero hot sauce makers that should be god damn ashamed of themselves.

If only this sauce tasted good, we would have ourselves a winner.

Tomorrow: Amazon Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Cayenne

Day 117: Dragon Sauce

2005-11-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

I finally got to go to a China Buffet today. That meant I could break out the Dragon Sauce.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what I did. I broke it. I was getting out of the car, and the bottle fell out of my coat pocket. Just like a movie scene in slow motion, the bottle hit the cement and the sound of broken glass hit everyone's ears. A dark, black stain marred the parking lot, and future parkers will think someone had a serious oil leak.

My girlfriend laughed and laughed. When I bent down to pick up the glass and throw it away, she freaked out thinking I was trying to salvage the sauce. Come on, I'm not that crazy!

I did make her drive me to the grocery store so that I could buy a new bottle, though.

"This unique spicy soy sauce enhances Asian-style dishes and is a great marinade for beef, pork, poultry and seafood. Also delicious on rice & vegetables."

After reading the label carefully, I have to say that this is not a hot sauce in any regard. It says right on the back that it's a soy sauce. It tastes like a soy sauce. It doesn't taste like a hot sauce.

However, it is one of the Reily Food's "Try Me" sauces from their set, and is always located in the hot sauce aisle. And at the very bottom of the ingredient list, it does say that there is less than 2% peppers. Hey, sometimes it seems like boring red vinegar sauces have less than 2% peppers, too!

Check out this ingredient list. I have never been so appalled at the chemical SHIT added to a food item before. MSG? Hydrogenated oil? Modified what?

Soy sauce (Water, soybeans, wheat, salt, vinegar, sodium benzoate), dragon seasoning (sugar, spices, modified food starch, monosodium glutamate, onion, garlic, Hydrolyzed corn protein, xanthan gum, sodium benzoate, natural flavorings), sherry whine, vinegar, water, contains 2% or less of garlic, red peppers and spices."

I don't like soy sauce that much. I have tried it off and on when I eat Asian foods, but it has never enhanced any of my meals, so I just ignore it. Plus, it's too runny.

Dragon Sauce, however, is pretty enjoyable. Not only is it thick enough to stick on foods (instead of sink through rice), it also has a much richer and smoky flavor.

Using a whole bottle of Dragon Sauce during lunch was pretty much a pain in the ass. Each topping I chose to put over my rice or noodles already comes with its sinfully delicious sauce. For example, if I choose General Tso's chicken, I choose it because I like it. And if I want extra sauce to soak down into the rice, I want it to be General Tso's sauce. Not a thick black soy sauce that's poured on so liberally, it masks all the flavor of General Tso.

But such is the life of a hot sauce addict.

Bottoms Up!

So, what's it like to drink a shot of soy sauce? Thankfully this sauce is a lot thicker, and has more flavor. It went down just fine, if not a bit too salty. There is a hint of heat the lingers after the flavor dissipates, but it's only enough to make you wonder if it was really there at all.

This is the 2nd day in a row I got too much salt. If I was a caterpillar, I'd be dead.

Without a doubt, this is a great substitute for soy sauce. If that's your bag.

Tomorrow: Vigo Salsa Picante XXX

Topics: Hot Sauce, Soy Sauce

Day 116: Panola Extra Hot

2005-11-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

Full name: Panola Extra Hot Hot Sauce.

If this label doesn't scream 1980, I don't know what does.

Panola has a really crazy history. In 1983, they made the jump from giving away their hot sauce to family & friends, to selling it. Starting with a machine that could fill 3 bottles at a time, they started to grow during the next 3 years. While still trying to break into more restaurants and grocery shelves, they had a massive fire that burned their plant down in 1986. Half a year later they rebuilt and made a modern factory. By 2001, their 30 products were being sold internationally. But then five people broke in one night and burned the place down. Obviously, they have rebuilt sine then. But I can't imagine what insane insurance company would cover them for fire damage any more. What's next? A meteor hits earth and.... burns down the Panola factory? A Godzilla movie?

I wouldn't blame them if their new factory is made out of fireproof materials.

As far as their success goes, I just don't see it. It doesn't seem very unique to me. This sauce is just a run of a mill red vinegar sauce. Extra heat, sure, but not enough to get excited about. About the same small increase in heat as Frank's Extra Hot or Crystal's Extra Hot has.

But that wasn't the neat part!

Have you ever eaten a whole bag of salty chips? Ever eat sharp, pointy tortillas? Besides feeling like a complete pig and promising never to do that again, your mouth feels violated. Miniscule scrapes all over the inside of the mouth, and the salt digging into the fresh wounds. A thirst that no amount of water seems to quench.

Well, that's exactly what this hot sauce felt like! Exactly. It felt like my mouth went to battle with a salt mine, and lost. Most vinegar sauces have too much salt, so it's actually something special to say that this hot sauce is the saltiest of them all!

By the time I was finishing supper, I was also starting to pick up on a really bad aftertaste. Since I kept using more and more to just finish the sauce, it became even more apparent with every sopping bite. It was pungent, and probably not in the positive way they used that word on the back of their label. To their credit, I'm pretty sure this was an old bottle.

By the time I drank this shot, I was all Panola'd out. The nasty aftertaste I had started to notice during supper was completely evident here. With a small gag reflex, it was finally over. My mouth feels like hell, and my blood pressure is definitely up.

Bottoms Up!

I did find a new use for this hot sauce. This winter, when the roads are at their iciest, just have a Panola salt truck come by and melt a new path for you. Hang your head out the window to catch some in your mouth! Good luck this winter!

Tomorrow: Dragon Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 115: El Yucateco Chipotle

2005-11-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but when I enter a new Mexican restaurant and see they have El Yucateco sauces on their tables, I know the place will be great. Why? Because if their hot sauce is this good and hot, then their food should be too. El Yucateco is a hot sauce made by Mexicans, for Mexicans. And their level of heat is a lot higher than the average American's.

For over 20 years, El Yucateco has been exporting their sauces to the United States. They have continued to use what I like to call a "Hong Kong Billboard" fitting on a tiny bottle. Bright, colorful words. Half English, half Spanish. Way too many words, and some of them don't even make sense. And I love it. Even the bottle is shorter and squatter than the normal 5 ounce bottles prevalent here in the United States.

So it's with a little disappointment that I see their two new flavors being completely Americanized. They're using the full size 5 ounce bottles, which look awkward sitting next to their original flavors. The labels are completely clear of clutter. Every word is readable, the artwork professionally done. I hate it. Or more accurately, pine for the old ways.

Sadly the heat level of the new sauce has been Americanized, too. Weak as hell. I remember the first time I had the green El Yucateco hot sauce many years ago. I swore. I spat. I cried over the tacos I would never be able to finish because I ruined them with too much hot sauce before testing it. What a great memory!

Sadly, this sauce does not live up to its name. If this had been made by someone else, I would have nodded and thought, "What a nice little chipotle sauce. Just like all the other 4,000 new ones." But this is El Yucateco! I wanted to swear out loud in Spanish! Aye Carumba!

I do understand why, though. Being a hotter sauce probably alienated a lot of the American market. When you read online or talk to people, they are almost always arguing which is better: Frank's, Cholula, Tabasco or Crystal. Holy crap, give me a break! And the same people will argue which is beer is better, Miller Lite or Bud Lite. Well, I'm going to sit here sipping my Guinness and eating XXXtra Hot El Yucateco.

Chipotle is a hot new fad, one that I'm not really all that fond of. But I hope El Yucateco the best of luck with their modern looking bottles and sauces.

Bottoms Up!

Drinking this straight allowed me to enjoy a very concentrated smoky flavor. The sauce is nice and thick with no chunks. After swallowing I enjoyed a small amount of heat. Then a few minutes later there was quite a bit of build up. What a nice wicked heat!

This is probably one of the hottest Chipotle sauces I can remember. I'm sad that I didn't catch any of this while eating it on food. Chipotle must be a subtle flavor.

Scoville rating is at 3,400.

Tomorrow: Panola Extra Hot

Topics: Hot Sauce, Chipotle

Day 114: Torchbearer's Sauce #1

2005-11-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Torchbearer Sauces Super Fancy #1 Every Day Sauce"

I like to think that I'm up on everything going on in the hot sauce world. Someone screams in Europe from being tricked in eating Dave's Insanity, I'm there. Someone in California finding out what a raw habanero feels like, I'm there. Someone straining the next morning on the porcelain throne from eating too many Nuclear Wings, I'm...not there.

I also wasn't there when these new hot sauces by Torchbearer came out either. Maybe I was too busy eating hot sauces. Luckily, I was able to read all about it at the increasingly useful sites at
the Hot Zone and at H o l y S h i t A l r e a d y!

Usually when I eat a set of hot sauces, I like to eat them in reverse order of heat. By eating the hottest one, you instantly find out if they know what the hell HEAT is. You also won't bitch when you finally eat the mild one, because it was correctly labeled (and even Aunt Gene needs a hot sauce to call her own)

However, if you eat the hottest one, the flagship bottle, the bottle labeled with skulls and crossbones, words like ASS, HELL, DIE, and FIRE plastered everywhere, and it doesn't even light you up, then you can curse the whole set. Curse the creator! Curse his extended family, and the air they breath! Because there's nothing more disappointing than a set of hot sauces that range from a "1" to a whole god damn "2".

I have no concerns with Torchbearer's 7 hot sauces. These guys have backed up their claims of having the hottest natural hot sauce by receiving their official scoville ratings. Brilliant! With one sauce rated at 38,202 scoville units, you are given permanent bragging rites any time, any where. But they didn't stop there, they mated that bottle with Cerberus himself, and came out with a puppy at 67,582.

Yea. I'm trying #1 first.

Someone warned me that this sauce is so mild, it'll seem like baby food. Holy shit, I didn't know babies had it so good! I never got to eat any hot sauce as a kid. Damn it, mom!

While this sauce could probably cool down an ice cube in a blizzard, I'm not complaining. It didn't taste like tomato paste! I absolutely hate people reinventing tomato paste. Even though this sucker was made with tomato paste, they had enough orange, carrots, and who knows what to make this sauce a very unique, sweet flavor. I had half the bottle on an egg sandwich, and the last half in a tuna fish sandwich. Due to the cost, this "Every Day Sauce" would never replace my mustard or mayo, but the meals were good, different, and, yes, boring as shit.

We know a hoss who shook a little dab on his taters, lima beans, escargot and his peanut butter sandwich plus said it did a real good job as a hair tonic and put a nice shine on his shoes but that's just him though. Gol Darn That's Good. Made out of something and something else, especially."

Are they being weird just for the sake of being weird? Maybe. But there's something to be said about their labels. The artwork is cool, the font and words make you want to read them. Even though they don't say anything. Quirky, fun, cool. You can be cool too if you eat these sauces! That's what these labels are like.

Open Wide
The sauce is so thick, it has to come in a scoopable jar. A shot glass is unusable here, so I tried a big spoonful. I was able to take pictures of the sauce sticking to the spoon sideways, but this one came out the best.

The flavor is sweet and fruity, reminding me of oranges and pineapple juice.

If I was a millionaire, I could have this sauce every day. Then it would be an "Every Day Sauce". Since I'm not a millionaire, this was just my Wednesday Sauce.

The other sauces by Torchbearer:
Super Fancy #4 Tingly Sauce
Super Fancy #7 Sultry Sauce
Super Fancy #10 Sombrero Salsa
Super Fancy #11 Sugar Fire
Super Fancy #37 Tarnation Sauce
Super Fancy #42 Slaughter Sauce

Tomorrow: El Yucateco Chipotle

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 113: Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve

2005-11-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

This seems to be the official icon of Figueroa Brother's Melinda sauces. It can be seen on the front page of their web site, and in some of their ads. I remember about a year ago they came out with a little contest where people could cast their votes on their favorite Melinda sauce. When the XXXXtra Reserve sauce won, they came out with this cute picture.

"Food is optional, flavor is not."

As they say, food is optional. Today I will be honoring their ad by sucking this sauce straight through a straw. The whole thing. While I'm at it, I'm going to set the first unofficial Guinness Book of World Records for finishing this sauce off in the fastest time.

Here are the rules:
- You must use a straw.
- No food, water, or regurgitation for 5 minutes afterwards.

My plan of attack was simple. Eat a simple lunch, quaff the bottle at my desk before anyone else returns from their lunch, and eat a cookie afterwards.

Eating any amount of hot sauce on an empty stomach is pure disaster. So I had a small meal that left me a little hungry. When I went to purchase my cookie, the cook yelled out to me, "Hey Smoking Tongue, you gotta tell me if this is hot!" The chef poured me up a small amount of rice, and topped it with this special sauce he had made for the lunch entree, Chicken Etoufee. I told him I couldn't taste a god damn thing, but that I was the wrong person to ask. It turns out he had quite a few complaints today from pansy asses that couldn’t hold their Cajun. We sat around bullshitting about spices and heat for about ten minutes.

Back at my desk, there were a few people milling around. I hid the opened hot sauce bottle inside my coffee travel mug, with the straw sticking out. This way, at first glance, people would assume I was really intent on some awesome coffee. If they came to talk to me however, I'd be busted. (I'm not going to stop and talk to them -- I'm going for the record here!)

I started the clocks, and started sucking!
And sucking.
And sucking.

What made this weird was I had no idea how much more I had left.

"How long is a minute?"
-Depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

At about the 20-second mark, I was wondering if I had tapped into an underground reservoir of this shit. Would it ever end? How much can one stomach handle? An agonizing 10 seconds later and I heard the beautiful sound every kid knows. When you get to the bottom of a pop, milk, shake, and even hot sauce, the air starts coming through the straw and makes that loud gurgling noise. I tipped my bottle to the side a little bit and had more sauce to suck out as it sank to the bottom corner.

And I was done.
Thank goodness! Never has 5 ounces seemed so much!

I stopped the clocks at 36 seconds. Much better than I thought. Especially since I had no idea WHAT to think. For the next five minutes I just sat there staring at my computer screen, waiting for the five minutes to pass. Asking myself, "You're not going to puke, right?" No. That's good. Are you sure? Yes, I think so.

So what did it feel like?
Like sucking jelly through a straw! This stuff is thick, and chunks of peppers and carrots were bouncing off the straw walls, especially through the bendy section. Then it flowed through my mouth, back through the tongue, and down the throat as I swallowed quickly. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling in the world. If I would have coughed, sneezed, or burped, we would have had a serious mess.

So what did it taste like?
Good question. I was too busy swallowing it to really swish it around like mouthwash. Compared to the other carrot type sauces that Melinda is well known for, this one truly features the habanero. Its smell has a nose-twitching acridity that reminds me of red savina habaneros, but Melinda’s ingredient list is silent on the exact type of habaneros used.

So what did it burn like?
The back of my mouth was certainly on fire. Thanks to the straw, my lips and the front of my tongue escaped some of the wrath. The back of the mouth, however, was like an open furnace door being fed wood and coals for the fire. Luckily, for me, it was a tolerable heat, and I had more pressing matters to be concerned about, such as finishing the bottle. When finished, the burn disappeared in a couple minutes

Is this record beatable?
Definitely! I wasted at least 10 seconds fumbling the coffee mug and bottle around trying to get the very last of the sauce sucked up through a straw. Knowing what to expect would also speed things up. I think I slowed down when I started to wonder if it would ever end. However, I’m not going to be in any rush to do this again. Next time I try this sauce, I’m going to enjoy its flavor and heat! On food, even!

Collectors!
You're in deep shit now. I'm looking closely at this bottle and it says: "XXXXtra Hot 2005 Special Reserve". Walking over to my display case, I found the bottle I ate a couple years ago. Its says, "XXXXtra Hot 1997 Special Reserve". One for each year? You better get collecting!

Tomorrow: Torchbearer Sauces #1 Every Day Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Record

Day 112: Paisanitos Mango Sauce

2005-11-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Paisanitos Mango Sweet Spicy Sauce"

Another good looking bottle from Paisanitos.
Then again, they all look the same. This one has an orange background. Papaya had a purple background. Mustard had a brown background. I think they missed a great opportunity to put their artist to work. I'd love to see more.

"Feel its exotic natural ingredients!"

I tried to feel, I really did. But it was just too bland to pick up any mango goodness. Not only that, but they went with the Caribbean & Curry type of flavor with this mango sauce. I'm a much bigger fan when they balance a fruity mango flavor with a fresh, bold habanero flavor.

During lunch I had some cheesy fries, and poured most of the bottle on them. I made sure I had a little left in the bottle so that I could have a shot of it later at home. I have to say, I was pleased when I ran out of this hot sauce, and could switch to a better condiment: plain ketchup.

For supper, I poured out a shot glass full of the sauce and still had some left in the bottle. So I poured what little remained onto a plate and dipped my chicken sandwich in it. I have to say, I was very pleased that I ran out quickly and could switch to a better condiment: cheap mustard.

As a hot sauce fanatic, I think it's a sad state of affairs when ketchup and mustard tastes better than your hot sauce.

Bottoms Up!

Wow, I've tasted this somewhere before. I'm reaching deep into my childhood here. Something sweet. Something orangey. I'm smelling deep, trying to dig up chemical memories. I think... yes! The first time I had mandarin oranges!

This orange flavor is much more distinct while eating straight. I didn't pick it up at all while eating with food. This fun-filled 10 seconds doesn't make up for it though.

Tomorrow: Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve

Topics: Hot Sauce, Mango

Day 111: Bee Sting

2005-11-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Half Moon Bay Trading Company Bee Sting Honey n' Habanero Pepper Sauce"

Honey and habanero, what a great idea! I had a tomato and egg sandwich for breakfast, and this sweet concoction practically gave me a sugar rush. It was much better than I thought it could be. I wouldn’t say that this sauce was hot, but the habaneros were easily present in both flavor and heat. I don’t have a sweet tooth, but I really enjoyed this.

My brain started thinking of all the foods this might go good with. If I wasn’t trying to eat a whole bottle a day, I’d probably split this bottle up and try some with: chicken strips, lefse, pancakes, Chicken McNuggets, fried ice cream, and Monte Cristo sandwiches.

Back of the label:
"This is an Asian/Thai influenced, pan-cultural sweet-hot pepper sauce with a hint of garlic, onion & lemon. Excellent with rice dishes, curries, chicken, shrimp & steak, with vegetables and tofu or anywhere you want a bit of asian-style excitement."

-Way to narrow it down, marketing droid.

I think showing ingredient lists are boring, because you can always look them up online. However, I’ve never seen a hot sauce ingredient list resemble a pop can’s:

Corn surrup , water, honey, carrots, corn vinegar, sugar, corn starch, habanero peppers, onion, lemon juice, cayenne peppers, salt, garlic and black pepper, with .1% sodium benzoate & ascorbic acid as preservatives

This sauce was so sweet that I figured it would be perfect on pancakes. The honey flavor should be great for a replacement for syrup.

The picture here proves that I suck at making pancakes tonight. I burned a couple, a few fell apart. Here is what I salvaged. Whatever they look like, they still taste the same. Unfortunately, my judgment on this coupling of hot sauce and pancakes was dead wrong. The flavor didn't work well together at all. Too much pepper flavor with a weird aftertaste. I think part of the problem is that honey isn’t a valid replacement for maple syrup to start with. Oh well, better luck next time.

More sauces by Half Moon Bay:
Bee Sting Brand Mango Passion Pepper Sauce
Iguana Mean Green Jalapeno Pepper Sauce
Iguana Red Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Iguana XXX Habanero Pepper Sauce
Iguana Gold Island Pepper Sauce
Iguana Radioactive Atomic Pepper Sauce
Iguana Deuces Rockin' Red Habanero Pepper Sauce
Iguana Deuces Vicious Verde Jalapeño Pepper Sauce
Iguana Deuces Bold Gold Habanero Pepper Sauce

Tomorrow: Paisanitos Mango Spicy Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Honey

Day 110: Panola Green Pepper Sauce

2005-11-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, I really held off on consuming this sauce. Not only was it one of the Panola sauces I bought off an ancient, dusty shelf, but it has an alien green milky color. How in the world do you make a sauce milky looking? I have a black light, and when I put this sauce underneath it, it glowed!!!

I saved this sauce for a weekend so that if I couldn’t eat it, I could just run downstairs and start a different bottle.

I opened the bottle.
Smelled it.
Tasted it.
Can’t get enough of it!

I’m serious thinking I need to just start eating all my ugliest looking sauces right away. They’ve been turning out great!

Vinegar sauces usually put me off because all I can taste is vinegar. My mom used to cook a lot, so as a kid, I remember the nasty smell of boiling vinegar. I have no idea what witch’s brew she was concocting on those occasions, but its noxious cloud seeped into every single room of the house. So when I get a vinegar hot sauce, it always seems like the company is skimping on the pepper flavor and pawning off a bottle of vinegar.

Panola’s Green Sauce, however, is the absolute best combination of pepper and vinegar I’ve ever experienced. This is everything McIlhenny’s green Tabasco wishes it was. The flavor makes me think of what an unripe, green pepper might taste like. I would actually take time out of my Tour de Hot Sauce to buy some more of this sauce. There are quite a few foods I’d like to try this on.

This stuff has some heat. I just finished off the rest of the bottle on a chicken sandwich and my mouth is nice and toasty.

Bottoms Up!

Strong stuff. A concentrated mixture of pepper goodness and the bite of vinegar. This is the whiskey of hot sauces... strong stuff going down, a little grimace, and then a nice warm buzz in the stomach. And of course a buzz on the tongue, throat and lips.

Tomorrow: Bee Sting Honey N Habanero

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 109: Kato's Meaner Greener

2005-11-04T18:16:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Kato's Meaner Greener Habanero Sauce"

If it isn't spuds or corn, I'm not a real expert in vegetables. But these green tomatillos make me want to quit my day job and start a Tomatillos Farm. Well, maybe two farms. One farm to eat, and the other to make enough money to plant for next year.

This fresh, bright green looking sauce is bursting with a delicious, unique flavor of tomatillos. Whether you've had salsa made out of them before, or completely new to the little green tomatoes, you're in for a treat with this sauce.

The only possible downside to this sauce is that there is no heat. However, I was too busy enjoying the sauce to complain about it at all.

For lunch, I brought in a home-made sandwich. I wanted something cold to eat with this sauce, so that I could enjoy its flavor with every bite. It was excellent!

"Exile That Boring Food to the Doghouse!"

Kato Productions is run by the Pinckney's in George Town, Florida. They named their business after their famous dog, Kato, who enjoys eating habanero peppers! Sadly, Kato died very recently of non-pepper causes, and we mourn his passing. But the legend lives on!!

Bottoms Up!

Although I would suggest putting this on food, drinking this straight wasn't too bad. The fresh, smooth flavor of tomatillos overwhelms your mouth. Then it's followed by a mild heat in the middle (but not too much). While basking in the aftertaste, you wonder how they made this perfect sauce.

This sauce ranks #1 in my non-spicy category. If I had such a category.
Excellent sauce!

More sauces made by Kato's:
Kato's Rajun Cajun
Kato's Island Sauce
Kato's Chipotle Steak Sauce

Tomorrow: Panola Green Pepper

Topics: Hot Sauce, Tomatillo

Day 108: Tamazula Hot Sauce

2005-11-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Tamazula Mexican Hot Sauce Salsa Picante"

This is a dark red picante type hot sauce. This is the picante hot sauce! I've spoken about picante flavor before in certain hot sauces. Cholula and Tapatio have a small amount, Valentina has some, and Viper Sauce had too much. I’ve even spit some out that came out of a plastic bottle sold at a Mexicana store. This is the only picante sauce that doesn't make me cringe. It's very good.

I'm not sure what the cooks do to get this picante flavor, since the ingredients look the same as other Louisiana and vinegar style hot sauces. My only guess is they lock the bottles up with a grumpy, depressed, whiny person for 30 days, and they come out with that 'sour' taste.

I was going to have a fresh green tomatilla hot sauce today, but when I came to work and saw that Jambalaya was being served, I had to switch to this sauce. Flavor wise, this was a great combo. However, there isn't much heat in this hot sauce (at least to do justice to a jambalaya), so I also added a healthy dose of Blair's Jersey Death sauce.

I was in hot-flash heaven. After my meal, I just sat back and enjoyed the afterglow & endorphins. This is the perfect feeling of balanced heat that hot-heads try to attain. It's the reason they burn themselves over and over again. Just to experience this elusive nirvana.

I have only one complaint about this hot sauce, and that’s the coloring at the top. Every store I’ve ever been to that carries this sauce seems to have the same problem. Either the bottles are extremely old, or there’s a problem with their seal. The sauce at the top starts to change to a murky dark grey color. Not only is it disgusting to look at, but it tastes bad too. This morning, I actually got one of those small straws used to stir our coffee, and started to siphon the top crud out as if I was stealing gas from a vehicle. Once I got most of it out, I shook the bottle up really well. Out of site, out of mind!

Bottoms Up!

To be honest, I had saved just enough at the bottom of my bottle during lunch to have a shot tonight, but my friend grabbed the bottle and put the rest on his Jambalaya. However, I had another bottle in the fridge and just used that to make this shot. And, as a bonus, used some on my supper.

The flavor is simply a very acceptable, non-grimacing, picante flavor. That's the best I can describe it. Try it yourself!

Other Tamazula sauces:
Tamazula Extra Hot Picante Sauce

Tomorrow: Kato's Meaner Greener

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 107: Best Chef Louisiana

2005-11-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

Full Name: “Best Chef Louisiana Style Hot Sauce”

I've been racking my brains, trying to figure out where I found this sauce. It wasn't even that long ago. But the memory is gone, just like my wasted youth.

17 ounces. This was a doozy. It's more than 3 times the size of a normal bottle. Of course, now I find out they make a 6 ounce version. Oh well, when am I not up for a challenge?

For lunch, a large group of us went to the Olive Garden to fare thee well to a coworker that was moving on to greener pastures. I got there a little late so had to sit down by the obnoxious asshole. FUCK! The guy has two volumes: Loud, and I'm-on-a-roll. The guy thinks he's so funny, and when he gets rolling, and laughing at his own jokes, he gets louder and louder, and his face starts to turn red. From the thousands of repeated stories I've had to endure over the years, I know his family has heart risks. Sadly, I fantasize about the peace & quiet I'll get as he has a heart attack right in front of me someday. I will calmly finish my meal and think about dialing 911 the next day.

And if it doesn’t happen soon, I might have to induce a heart attack by shoving a bottle of my hottest sauce down his throat.

At work, he often bitches about how we "always talk about hot sauce". Sit somewhere else then, asshole! Not only that, but he's the one that brings it up every time.

"Do you have any taste buds left?"
"Can you even taste normal food anymore?"
"What kind of crap are you eating today?"
"I've got a brother that likes hot stuff, blah, blah, blah."

So today I get to sit by him. Great.
Today I brought in a HUGE 17 ounce bottle. Great.
I hide it in the middle of a desert menu that sits up in the middle of the table. I'm hoping to escape the inevitable, "Wow, that's a big bottle, ha, ha, ha."

Sadly, I get, "WHAT!? No hot sauce today? Can you even eat a meal without a hot sauce?" And he keeps going on. And on. To shut him up, I put down the menu so that he can see the hot sauce bottle. Of course now I get the Big Bottle speech, but it eventually ends. Did I mention he's loud? This isn’t a conversation between me and him. It’s a conversation with him and the rest of the restaurant.

Due to the size of the bottle, I use a lot of this sauce on my Chicken Parmigiana. This gets another hail of loud bullshit from him. My favorite is, "He's having some chicken on his hot sauce."

Sadly the meal wasn't that great, and I'm not even factoring in the company. It was slightly undercooked, absolutely swimming in hot sauce, and a small lunch portion to boot. Unfortunately, when lunch was done, I was only half way through the bottle. When supper time came, I didn't even use a plate. I went and got a big bowl, and threw the food in there. Then I showered the rest of the hot sauce in there and ate it all with a spoon.

Mighty Fine Eating"

The sauce is mostly likely a relabeled red vinegar sauce, with no exciting qualities to report on.

Bottoms Up!

With supper completely floating in hot sauce, I made sure to fill this shot glass to the top. I’ve got to get rid of it somewhere!

Another sauce by Best Chef:
Best Chef Habanero Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: Tamazula Salsa Picante Mexican Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 106: Cajun Power Spicy Garlic

2005-11-01T14:28:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Cajun Power Spicy Garlic Pepper Sauce"

When I put some of this on my potatoes for lunch, I could really taste the garlic flavor. Then I glanced at the bottle by my plate and started wondering if the huge letters, "G-A-R-L-I-C", was tricking my brain into noticing the garlic flavor. Maybe this is what every relabeled red vinegar hot sauce tastes like. Am I writing different things for exactly the same sauces? Then I started to doubt my ability to write any reviews. Then I started to get really paranoid and went home to see if I had left the oven on.

"A wonderful, all purpose table sauce with a little kick to it. There's lots of squeezed garlic in this pepper sauce."

So it looks like maybe I'm not going crazy.

Cajun Power is from Abbeville, Louisiana. They seem to sell a sauce for every fattening occasion: sauces for chili dogs, sloppy joe's, chili, Worcestershire, and mayonnaise. Their original sauce makes a great gravy! For some reason I'm suddenly hankering for a peanut butter jelly sandwich with one of their jellies: red pepper, jalapeno, or chipotle!

They have a garlic sauce they consider their famous original, and I like the numbers from their description: "This sauce is what made Cajun Power famous. This original recipe sauce is not hot. Every eight ounce bottle has two ounces of squeezed garlic in it. The sauce is so versatile......"

Now that's a lot of garlic.

Bottoms Up!

Not very good drinking it straight. With this much quantity, there was a stale aftertaste that meant that this sauce was probably expired. Or maybe it's the processing taste, or maybe it always taste like crap, or... did I leave the oven on again?

On the back of the label:

The Most Wonderful Table Sauce. A Real Greeting for All Seasons"

Isn’t that precious? The label, the logo, the quotes are kind of like my beat up car. I can park it anywhere, anytime, unlocked, keys inside. No one is going to steal it.

Other sauces:
Cajun Power Garlic Sauce
Cajun Power Picante Sauce
Uncle Easy's Chipotle Sauce
Cajun Power Louisiana Lighting Strike

Tomorrow: Best Chef Louisiana Style

Topics: Hot Sauce, Garlic

Day 105: Boulder - Smokey Serrano

2005-10-31T19:53:00.000-08:00

Full name: "The Boulder Hot Sauce Company Smokey Serrano"

WOW! This whole time I thought this was just "that other sauce" that Boulder made. Having to hide in the shadows of the glorious Harry's Habanero sauce. But this sauce can stand on its own. This sauce is excellent in its own right. I think the only reason this sauce doesn't quit the band and start a solo career is from the lack of heat. Not that burning your arm on a frying pan isn't hot, it's just that falling into a pit of lava is hotter. And so is Harry's Habanero.

Even if not spelled correctly, this sauce is definitely smoky. (But it's okey dokey if you spell it smokey)

I had this on baked manicotti for lunch, and had to hold back at the very end so I wouldn't use it all. It soaked right in, and was an excellent flavor. I really wished I had a pint or two more.

It's hard to believe this sauce has so much flavor, and comes with so many chunks when the first 3 ingredients are: Purified Water, Vinegar, & Red Ripe Serrano Peppers. The only way to pull this off is with pure talent & care. If some corporation with a big factory had made this, all we would have ended up with was watered down crap the color of whatever food coloring they added. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I wish this guy would make more sauces.

When I fire up the grill, you just know some Poblano peppers are gonna get charred to perfection. They are mellow on heat but have a remarkably complex flavor. I have teamed them up with a red-ripe Serrano pepper and all fresh veggies to bring you this taste sensation. You gotta get into this bottle!"

If I had to find any fault with the sauce, it would be the consistency. It was a little bit runny, which of course looks funny in a chunky sauce. I had to shake the bottle up, and even then it looked like runny relish. Luckily it tasted much, much better.

Bottoms Up!

Wow, here's where the heat went! I guess sometimes the cheese, sauces, and noodles of a meal can soak up some of the heat. There's no hiding behind that now!

This left a gritty little burn in the back of my throat and tongue for a few minutes. This is also a seriously chunky and seed filled sauce that faintly reminds you of relish. This wasn't very much fun eating straight, but I did find the heat. As my mouth stayed open, ventilating air in, I could smell and taste the lingering smoke.

Tomorrow: Cajun Power Spicy Garlic

Topics: Hot Sauce, Serrano

Day 104: Panola 10 Point Hot Sauce

2005-10-30T21:33:00.000-08:00

"Panola 10 Point Hot Sauce is made much like our Gourmet Pepper Sauce, but has some different seasonings. It is specially blended for the outdoorsman - big game meat or grilled burgers - watch out! It's easy to indulge."

Watch out is right, you crazy mountain men. If only I had this sauce last week, I could have tried it out on the 2 grizzlies, 3 elk, and 7 mountain lions I shot. Better luck next time, I guess.

I was half expecting "Blood of the deer" to be one of the ingredients.

Add to all this the fact this comes in a plastic bottle. Plastic. There aren't many hot sauces out there that come in plastic. Needless to say, I had extremely low expectations. Toxic expectations.

With my last will and testament updated, I cracked open the tiny plastic heat shrink and started shaking out the sauce onto my pot roast.

It was good. Real good. Well, it was better than dying. This is a super runny sauce that comes out black. It's flavor reminds me of a cross between Worchester Sauce, Soy Sauce, and a ton of spices that make it something a little more unique. I wouldn't say there's much heat here at all, but the bold flavor will keep your tongue busy. I also read online that the reason it comes in plastic bottles is so that it won't break like a glass bottle might for those active people hunting or hiking outside.

I guess I stand corrected. The company's description for this sauce matched the contents perfectly and accurately. I give this the Underdog Award. Now we can evil kill and eat that dog, and use this sauce on it.

Bottoms Up!

I was pretty hesitant to drink so much of this at once. However, even the shot didn't taste bad at all. It was tangy, sweet, and went down just fine. It's definitely a unique flavor. I'm not really sure if it qualifies as a hot sauce yet, but I survived!

While looking for this online, I found that they do make a bottled version. However, look at that color. Either we have fake pictures on their site, or we're dealing with a whole different recipe.

Tomorrow: Boulder - Smokey Serrano

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 103: Dan-T's Cayenne

2005-10-30T04:45:00.000-08:00

Full name: "Dan T's Inferno Spiced Cayenne Pepper Sauce"

From Mississauga, Ontario, comes Dan Taylor and his Dan T's Inferno Hot Sauces. What a great name. Not only was he able to use his own name, but able to base it off of Dante's Inferno, a subtlety that surprisingly was not lost on me.

A thick, brownish red sauce. It has a unique smell and flavor, but not very bold. It'll mix in well with most foods. My biggest problem is that I'm not a huge cayenne fan. And unlike the name infers, there was no inferno going on in my mouth or stomach. There was absolutely no heat in this sauce, making me wonder what to do with it. I'm sure a sauce this big (8 ounces) is screaming to be used as a marinade or grilling, but to be honest, I'd rather use my tried and true BBQ sauce for that instead.

It was just too bland.

Bottoms Up!

I was a little afraid to drink this straight. I figured it might have an empty, raw flavor to it. However, it tasted just fine. A little bland. Well, a lot bland. Sorry, but this sauce just doesn't do anything for me.

It revokes no response.

For any of you hard core collectors out there, you can find some French labeled sauces, thanks to Quebec.

Other sauces from the Inferno....
Dan T's Whitehot Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Dan T's Smoked Cayenne Chipotle
Dan T's Spiced Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Dan T's Dark Soy Pepper (a.k.a. Asian Cayenne?)
Dan T's Balsamic Herb Marinade
Dan T's Three Pepper Grilling Sauce
Dan T's Honey Mustard Sauce
Dan T's Mustard Cayenne Pepper Sauce
Dan T's Peanut Soy
Dan T's Raspberry Chipotle Grilling Sauce

Tomorrow: Panola 10 Point Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Cayenne

Day 102: Paisanitos Sweet Papaya

2005-10-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

Full Name: "Paisanitos Sweet Papaya Spicy Sauce"

This sauce was much better than the first Mustard one I tried by them. It actually had a decent amount of heat, especially when compared to most Papaya sauces in general. Sadly, instead of the green papaya flavor I experienced from Frenchman's, this was more of a curry or Caribbean flavor that is so popular nowadays. However, it was one of the better Caribbean flavored sauces I’ve tried in a long time.

Since today was the Friday before Halloween here at work, our chef had this on the menu: Worm au Gratin. It was a cross between hash browns and scalloped potatoes. Whatever they were, I used almost the whole bottle on it. A coworker was unable to finish his, but I was able to eat all mine, probably due to this sauce.

I'm surprised by the heat from the sauce, considering how far down the ingredient list, "Habaneros", was. It just goes to show that some hot sauce companies are willing to use the good stuff. And anyone that chewed a complete raw habanero knows what I'm talking about.

Without a doubt, this is also the first hot sauce that I've noticed that had Cucumbers as an ingredient. (My tongue didn't notice, just my eyes reading the label)

Bottoms Up!

I actually had this shot glass in the fridge for a while, waiting to down the shot at a later time. It fogged up the sides. Otherwise, you could see how the sauce piled up high in the middle because of how thick it was.

It's got some kick.

Tomorrow: Dan T's Inferno Cayenne

Topics: Hot Sauce, Papaya

Day 101: Frontera Habanero

2005-10-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

Nice, but not very hot considering the pepper it's touting as its name. Maybe it should have been called Frontera Carrot. When I poured most of this sauce on my potatoes for lunch, it barely made an impact in flavor. I could have done that for free with my imaginary hot sauce bottle.

"There's no denying that the Yucatan peninsula's sun-gold habaneros have a tropical sting. A beautiful sting. A thrilling, delicious sting. Flavor-packed, can't-get-enough sting. Come on, bask in the glow."

Sometimes you can really smell the bullshit in the air. You know that the more crap they write on the back of the label, the more they're compensating for what's inside the bottle. Usually, the labels that yammer on about hand-crafting the sauce, family recipes, friends, family, and real people are the ones that might taste good. Notice how this sauce couldn't talk about how they made the sauce. Who would want to hear about the factories and large machinery making this sauce in bulk?

They really shouldn't be writing a check their butt can't cash. They might as well have been writing about the silky smooth skin of a penguin's ass for as much as it has to do with this hot sauce. The only thing golden about this sauce is the carrots, and I think Rick Bayless might have forgotten to buy any peppers last time he was vacationing at the Yucatan's Peninsula. Or maybe he only has time to do Burger King endorsements.

There has been 3 major label changes in as many years. If only they spent the time it took to come up with the perfect label on making the perfect sauce.

Bottoms Up!

Wow, this was something else! It was like someone gathered up 12 gallons of orange juice, poured them through a strainer to collect all the pulp, and then said, "Hey, let's make a hot sauce out of this!"

This was pulpy. I almost pulled a muscle grimacing so hard when I swallowed it. Then I had to go floss. The flavor was practically non-existent.

Tomorrow: Paisanitos Sweet Papaya

Topics: Hot Sauce, Habanero

Tour de Hot Sauce: 100 Days

2005-10-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

Well, that picture doesn't look like 100 bottles to me, but I counted them all. Haven't lost one yet. They look a lot more massive in a box, and the box is getting heavy!

I've done the math, and the total volume of hot sauce comes to 556.35 fluid ounces.
That's 4.34 Gallons (17.1 Liters)

There's been a rumor going around that I was stopping at 100. I'm not sure where that originated from, but I can safely say that isn't the case. I'm just getting started!

So crack up open a spicy one, and let's get smoking.

Day 100: Bat's Brew

2005-10-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to this city years ago, one of the first grocery stores I found was a quaint little specialty store. It felt like a food co-op, but it really wasn't. They had organic foods, but it wasn't exclusively organic. They had an amazing selection of micro brews there, and 50 kinds of cheese. We used to shop there a lot until we figured out we were throwing away our money on the overpriced stuff.

However, before we quit going there, I stood mesmerized by the hot sauce shelf. They had a heart-quickening display of about 10 different sauces. As I started to study them, my smile turned upside down. They were all by Panola (which isn't the bad thing) but they all looked like they had been there since the mid 1980's. Faded labels, thick dust on the tops. Even the contents had separated and congealed so badly, they looked like broken lava-lamps. I actually walked away without buying even one. They were that upsetting.

Three years later, I'm back and am desperate enough to buy them. All. Ironically, I'm probably looking at the exact same bottles, a little more dust, and 3 more years added past the expiration date. They still look as unappetizing as I remember them.

So today is HOT SAUCE #100!

I had visions of doing something special on Day 100. Maybe a super hot sauce. Maybe 2 sauces. Maybe just a great sauce. But surprisingly, when I woke up this morning, the calendar still didn't show my day to be a national holiday. I still had to go to work. I'm still swamped with shit to do.

I chose a crappy hot sauce, knowing that no matter how bad it was, I'd have to finish it as #100.

In the spirit of Halloween, the green coloring fits in well. It's extremely runny, and the first thing you taste is the overwhelming flavor of vinegar. When the aftertaste comes, you wish you were back to tasting the vinegar. The aftertaste is horrible. It's weird. I have no idea if it's because the bottle looks 20 years old, or if it's just a brilliantly shitty recipe using Bat Piss. Either way, stay away.

I've often thought about ordering Panola items online, bypass the obviously expired local bottles. But every picture I see online looks the same. They look like Panola made 4 billion bottles in 1985, and decided they could retire on the beach and let the inventory sell for the next 25 years.

Chef Han's green sauce has a run for his money for worst green vinegar sauce. Drinking this shot took a lot of nerve. I could have really used a shot of whisky to calm my nerves before diving in. My face contorted as I withstood the tartness, vinegar, and nasty aftertaste.

Wow, I really can't wait to try their other crap.

Panola carries other items besides hot sauces, and I just have to mention their Jalapeno Jelly Beans, and Pickled Quail Eggs. The world definitely needs more pickled quail eggs!

Other sauces by Panola:
Panola Gourmet Pepper Sauce
Panola Jalapeno Pepper Sauce
Panola Cajun Hot Sauce
Panola Cajun Jalapeno Sauce
Panola Garlic Hot Sauce
Panola Extra Hot Hot Sauce
Vampire Hot Sauce
Panola 10 Point Hot Sauce
Panola Clearly Hot Sauce
Panola Spicy & Sweet Mango Sauce
Panola Green Pepper Sauce
Panola Red Pepper Sauce

Tomorrow: Frontera Habanero Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 99: Tabasco Chipotle

2005-10-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "McIlhenny Co. Tabasco Brand Chipotle Pepper Sauce"

To be honest, I was up pretty late last night and had a post-midnight snack. I thought to myself, "Hey, today is tomorrow!" I can open a new hot sauce and get a head start on it.

Even though this sauce was picked because I thought it would be a tough one to finish, it's not because it's a bad sauce, just a different kind of sauce that would be tough to have so much of. Starting at midnight gave me the confidence to finish it off in 24 hours.

For lunch I had spaghetti and meatballs, which is one of the all-time best foods to have any hot sauce soak into. You can just see it disappear between the noodles and sink into oblivion, requiring even more sauce.

You know, I've had a hell of a lot of chipotle sauces lately. I know it's the new black, but come on, it's not that great is it? I used to really despise the flavor of most chipotle sauces, including this one. However, I think I'm being trained now to neutrally accept them. Even so, I never really felt like this Tabasco sauce was a directly consumable sauce. It just didn't go with foods the right way. So it wasn't with too much surprise that I see this article today explaining how he followed the instructions and used the sauce as a marinade. As suggested. I bet you were the teacher's pet, weren't you?

Ok, so I didn't marinade any of my food with this, although a casual observer may have thought that's what I was doing as I poured most of the bottle on my food.

This egg sandwich now has some chipotle soaking deep into the bread. I didn't have too much left over for supper, so this was an easy meal. I definitely made sure I had nothing left for a shot. That would have been too much to handle.

This sauce did nothing for my meals. It did attract itself well to the meatballs, though.

Tomorrow: Bat's Brew

Topics: Hot Sauce, Tabasco, Chipotle

Day 98: Viper Venom Hot Sauce

2005-10-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

My coworker took another trip, and when he promised he would bring me back another hot sauce, I told him to pick me up quite a few. And I would pay him. I might have taken that back if I had known he was going to get me the most expensive sauces in the whole damn world, and duplicates (even with the list I gave him).

However, I was quite pleased he found this one. Anything that resembles a local hot sauce is gold. With thousands of hot sauces out there as is, available at any mail order site, I bet there are thousands of tiny hot sauces few have heard about. Sure, it turns out that this sauce was already listed in the Hot Sauce Bible, but I'm never going to find it on my local grocery shelves.

That being said, it pretty much sucked ass. Water is the first ingredient. Vinegar the second ingredient. The flavor had a heavy picante flavor, which of course is not one of my favorites at all. The consistency was runny, with gelatinous chunks. Did I mention water was the first ingredient?? Listen, the day habaneros start dripping out my faucet instead of water, THEN you can put water first. Until then, give me peppers, man.

Beats me why there's a different label out there. When I was searching for the creator of the sauce, I tried to look up T.G. Greenfield, the only name on the back of the label. I found them listed on only ONE Arizona listing next to Mama Roses Gourmet Foods. It seems like she may be the creator. She has Viper Venom listed, but under a different label. A very uninspiring label. Their store looks cool, and I love seeing pictures of the kitchen of anyone putting the time & effort into making hot sauces. They seem to have a great attitude about how they make their food, so perhaps one of their other hot sauces will be a better fit for me.

Bottoms Up!

Dunked my tongue into the shot of hot sauce before drinking it. Surprisingly, it was hot to the tongue. I kept dunking it in there until my girl friend told me to quit playing with my food.

It was the only time I felt any heat from the sauce.

Other Mama Roses sauces:
Jalapeno Hot Sauce
Mango Mango Hot Sauce
Sergios Revenge

Tomorrow: Tabasco Chipotle

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 97: House Recipe Hot Sauce

2005-10-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

I took my sister out for breakfast today, and I was going to order a Belgian Waffle. It comes with strawberries, whip cream, and ice cream. I was curious if I could get her daughter jealous once she saw my plate, and I made fun of her boring pancakes.

However, while we were waiting for our seat, I remembered that they carried a brand of hot sauce there that I've never seen anywhere else. (Not that anyone would want to carry it). So, I thought hell, I eat a hot sauce bottle a day, I need sources wherever I can get them. And since I don't put hot sauce on Belgian Waffles, I switched my order to a Portabella Omelette, and then asked the waiter if he could bring a brand new bottle of their hot sauce.

It was a good choice, and believe it or not, I was actually buzzing a little from it. I used almost all the bottle, and there was plenty of coating for each bite. There is definitely no watering down in this vinegar sauce.

Sysco is a huge company claiming to sell 400,000 products to companies all over. They seem to be a supplier for restaurants big and small. Their "House Recipe" line ranges from hot sauce to mustards, to fancy ketchup (Fancy!). And congratulations to the dip shit that created the most boring label ever.

Right before supper, I filled the shot glass up so that I knew how much to pour on my food. When I knocked this shot back, I got a stomach ache for about 5 minutes. Argh! You'd think I'd learn by now never to take a shot on an empty stomach, but I thought that only applied to extremely hot sauces, not a red vinegar one.

I must be getting old in my old age. Or maybe my mom is right, maybe I am rotting out my stomach!!
Cool.

Tomorrow: Viper Venom Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 96: Boulder - Harry's Habanero

2005-10-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Boulder Hot Sauce Company Harry's Habanero"

For lunch we ate at a great Italian restaurant, and I ordered their sausage and peppers. I put this sauce liberally on their sausages, and it was an extremely spicy meal. I'm sure they both complimented each other's spiciness just right. I couldn't tell where the food ended, and the sauce began. THAT is the ultimate meal!

It's been quite a while since I've had to grab multiple napkins and blow my nose over and over. I was buzzing in a sea of wonderful endorphins.

For supper the fusion wasn't quite there. I could taste both things separately, but it also gave me a chance to purposely taste the hot sauce by itself. It has a consistency of a relish, but it only slightly tastes that way. There is a hint of sweet dill flavoring, lots of habanero goodness, followed by a very nice wave of heat.

I've been telling people (who bother to ask) that this is one of my all time favorite hot sauces. I like how I found it in the dungeon of a Food Co-op. I like the grocery sack type label. I like the heat level. And I like the habanero flavor that just makes you want to rush out and grow an acre of habaneros.

They have another sauce that I like only slightly less than this one. The guy has hit a home run with both sauces. It's just a shame he doesn't make more! Why in the world do we have hot sauce makers that have a whole SET of crappy sauces, each one worse than the next? Then you have this guy who only has 2, and you wish he had 20.

My name is Harry Robertson and I am the owner of The Boulder Hot Sauce Company. I set out in 1998 to create the best tasting hot sauces in the world. Certain only of my devotion to great food, I sat down with over 100 fresh ingredients, a bag of chips, and a large towel. I measured, I chopped, I roasted, I cooked, I tasted, and yes….I sweated a lot. After months of ritualistic pain and pleasure and a soaking wet towel, Smokey Serrano and Harry’s Habanero were born. I cried openly at what had transpired. I had in my possession two flavors destined to set the world on fire."

I need to send this guy another 100 fresh ingredients, another towel, and another bag of chips. Because we need more sauces from him, and we need them now!!

Welcome to the worst picture in the world!
Unfortunately, the room was too dark to get an accurate shot of this hot sauce. It actually doesn't look like a turd floating on a turd chicken.

The consistency of the sauce isn't quite as smooth as the last time I had it. It's not quite as appealing. I'm guessing things change from batch to batch. Not quite as good as I remember from my dreams, but still good nevertheless.

His only other sauce... please make more!
Boulder Hot Sauce Company - Smokey Serrano

Tomorrow: House Recipe Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Habanero

Day 95: Art of Chipotle Smokey Red

2005-10-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

Full name: "The Art Of Chipotle Smokey Red Sensation"

Knowing that I was going to Qdoba Grill for lunch, I brought this monster sized bottle. 14 ounces is a lot to swallow in one day. I was correct in using it, because I poured and poured and poured this sauce on my Fajita Burrito, allowing me to get through half the bottle just during lunch. The fact that the burrito is 50% rice really helps a lot, since it can soak up quite a bit of the sauce. It was a lot of work though, keeping my food steeped with sauce 100% of the time. By the end of the meal, the bottom container was so soggy, it had ripped right through. Amazingly, I only spilled once on my white shirt.

For supper I ate out again, so I had to lug this bottle around one more time. It doesn’t' fit in a pocket, let me tell you! You always get weird looks when you walk into a Mexican restaurant sporting your own bottle. "But sir, we have a wide selection of sauces you can use."

Indeed, but is it my "Sauce of the Day?"

Supper wasn't the perfect food to add this sauce too, because it already came with a creamy sauce on top. However, I almost finished the bottle. My girlfriend had leftovers, which I ate later that night. I probably would have saved it for lunch tomorrow, but this gave me an opportunity to finish off the bottle.

The sauce itself is very smooth, without any lumps or pulp. It has an appealing dark brown color that makes any food look appetizing. However, it was way too mild. For heat, there was nothing there. For flavor, it barely changed the food's taste. This is definitely another “why bother”, and unlike the first one I tried by Pfleider’s, this one is too lame to even use as a marinade.

Bottoms Up!

Drinking this shot straight tasted just like taco sauce with a faint, smoky chipotle overtone. Very smooth consistency. The flavor was really muted, however. I would rather of had more "Art" of the chipotle power coming through. After all, I can get taco sauce any day of the year.

Tomorrow: Boulder Hot Sauce Company - Harry's Habanero

Topics: Hot Sauce, Chipotle

Day 94: Iguana Chipotle

2005-10-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Half Moon Bay Trading Co. Smoky Iguana Smoky Jalapeno Chipotle Pepper Sauce"

At first glance of picture on the bottle, I thought there was a defect on the label. However, upon closer inspection I see that it's the Iguana smoking! Ha ha! Smoky Chipotle, of course!

I've had many ups and downs with the Iguana sauces. It seems like they hit and miss. Their deuce sauces are still some of my all time favorites. Unfortunately, today was a big miss. Can't hit the broad side of the barn kind of miss. You throw like a girl kind of miss. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining kind of miss. And in this particular case: Don’t shit in a bottle and call it Chipotle.

This sauce was very bland. When I mixed it into my meals, the sauce seemed to disappear without a trace. For instance, when I put a third of the bottle into my hash browns, I could tell something was added, but couldn't pinpoint any particular flavor, only a slightly smoky aftertaste. The fact that I started jonesing for some ketchup means the hot sauce has failed.

I put some on a turkey sandwich, completely soaking the bread. It tasted so dry, I had to add mustard.

Thanks for nothing, you lazy iguana.

Bottoms Up!

YUCK! Here I was complaining all day that I couldn't really taste the flavor in my food, and now I'm counting my lucky stars that I couldn't. It was really bad. My breath might smell like smoke, but it didn't really taste that way. A little lost for words, but it was a little pasty. Kind of like eating raw dough: It tastes all wrong until you bake it into bread.

This stuff, tasted like raw ingredients. Very, very bad eaten straight.

Tomorrow: Art of Chipotle Smokey Red

Topics: Hot Sauce, Chipotle, Iguana

Day 93: Paisanitos Mustard Habanero

2005-10-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Paisanitos Hot Mustard Pepper Sauce"

I've been wanting to stop at the Food Co-Op downtown for quite some time, but when I'm dropping my girlfriend off at work, it's just too early in the morning, and they're not open. Also, it's facing the wrong way on a one way street for me to simply and easily pull over. However, today we had an appointment to go to, and I got to drive by the store at a later hour.

I know this store holds 2 excellent sauces, and a handful of some crappy hippy Organic sauces. However, in the interest of science (and restocking my stash) I am not choosy. I was well rewarded with today's trip, because not only did they carry what I expected, they also had a whole new line of sauces in by Paisanitos.

This company was very recently started just 2 years ago by a couple graduates of Earth University. I'm not sure if their majors were Tree Hugging, or Shrubbery (just kidding) but their accredited college, located in a tropical paradise, looks like a lot more fun than mine was!

One of the goals for this company is working close with the farmers in Latin America that grow their ingredients and giving them a fair price, instead of exploiting them. For us, this means that we're receiving sauces with original recipes - no relabeling!

Unfortunately, I didn't really care for this mustard sauce. I've had plain mustards with more zing! The consistency of the sauce was pretty gelatin, and this is the first sauce I've ever run into that has left a residue on the inside of the bottle even after washing. The flavor was pretty bland. I don't taste anything from the habanero side, and we've lost that nice little zing normal mustard gives. We've got the worst of both sides, leaving us with an unsatisfying sauce.

What should have been a great sandwich just turned out to be a bland sandwich. I was actually tempted to go get the normal mustard bottle out of the fridge to salvage the meal. Only after I was done with the sandwich, did I feel some heat.

There are too many excellent habanero mustards on the market already that bring more heat, more flavor, and better taste to bother with this one.

Hopefully, better luck next time with:
Paisanitos Mango Spicy Sauce
Paisanitos Chipotle Hot Sauce
Paisanitos Papaya Spicy Sauce
Paisanitos Crushed Peppers

Tomorrow: Iguana Chipotle Pepper Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Mustard

Day 92: Tabasco Green Pepper

2005-10-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "McIlhenny Co. Tabasco Brand Green Pepper Sauce"

I remember the first time I had this hot sauce years ago. Probably when it first hit the market. My notes on the subject say: "Why fucking bother!". The shortest review ever.

Over the years I've known people that actually love this hot sauce. And every single one of them followed that statement by saying the red Tabasco was too hot for them, but this one was just right.

Well, I think that's great that these full grown men can now finally come play in the big leagues with a hot sauce that rates at around 1,000 scovilles. I guess we're all god's children and we shouldn't discriminate by tongue.
Pansies.

Today we had a chili competition at work as a fundraiser. I've actually been boycotting it for years because of what happened the first year I entered the competition. I had painstakingly created an expensive chili made from cubing steak, using a recipe straight from Terlingua. I brought my crock pot of chili in the morning, plugged it in, and went to check on it 3 hours later to see how it was doing. Turns out the crock pot wasn't even plugged in! I asked what the heck was going on? They were having power problems and unable to plug everyone in. Thanks for telling me! There's only like 400 plug-in in the whole building, hell I could have plugged it in on my desk upstairs and smelled chili brewing all morning.

I had a meeting to go to, so I stormed off expecting them to solve the problem. I came back an hour later to find the bitch microwaving my chili! Damn, I was pissed. As you can see, I'm completely over it, though. Ha!

This year, after many jokes of how hot we could make our chili, I decided to make one to blow the doors off anyone foolish enough to try it. I added 12 habaneros and 12 serranos. However, while tasting it, I didn't feel like it was very hot at all, so added a 1/4 bottle of Z...Nothing Beyond. I started tasting it again, and I could hear wind blowing out my ears. Perfect.

Sadly, I got a lot of compliments on my chili, and a few telling me they thought it would have been hotter. However, I also noticed these same people never had a whole bowl of it, just a tablespoon. I even saw some people using my chili to spice up the heat of some of the other chilies they purchased. Does that make me a chili extract? In the end, I got 3rd place. Whoops! One judge didn't even taste it, so I lost her votes. Next year, I'm going to work a little harder and get that coveted LAST place. I won't bother to remove the habanero seeds next time. That was definitely a waste of time, and a loss of good heat. I'm also going to bump the habanero count up to 40. Next year: Smoking Tongue's Revenge!

I purchased my 3 bowls of chili at the fundraiser, trying out other people's concoctions. They weren't very good, or spicy, but it was a great opportunity to use most of the Tabasco Green bottle. I'm pretty sure that I only managed to COOL the chilies down with this sauce, but it was still a good match. My only complaint is that this sauce doesn't really have any jalapeno flavor to it. It's a just a mild, indistinct, generic green flavor.

Bottoms Up!

Tart, but not too bad. No epileptic seizures. A nice green taste. What does green taste like? Exactly.

This certainly belongs IN foods, though. But not necessarily my foods.

Tabasco on the internet is as prolific as porn. So here is only one obligatory link. I haven't actually read the whole article, but the pictures alone are worth glancing at. The first one is a shot of a hot sauce bottle in a guy's pant pockets. That's totally me. The rest show an amusing transgression to the extreme. Hot sauce addiction is cool. "A hot sauce addict is me".

Tomorrow: Paisanitos Mustard Habanero

Topics: Hot Sauce, Tabasco

Day 91: Bulliard's Louisiana

2005-10-18T19:57:00.001-07:00

Full Name: "Bulliard's Louisiana Supreme Hot Sauce"

I first found this sauce years ago in a Dollar Store, and it wasn't even a dollar. It's cheap, cheap, cheap. It's so cheap that it doesn't bother me that this is probably just a relabeled red vinegar sauce.

This particular bottle was given to me by a coworker that I don't even really know. She whizzed by, stopping at my desk, and said, "I don't know if you have this sauce yet, but someone I know gave me this sauce and blah blah blah blah blah blah! Blah blah!"

I felt like introducing her to Decaf coffee, but instead said, "Thank you so much."

Although I've had this sauce before, and it was sitting just a few feet from me in my display, I had not had this yet in the Tour de Force. But why oh why can't someone give me a $10 hot sauce instead of a 79 cent hot sauce. Oh well, I'm still ahead.

I poured most of this sauce in a bowl of clam chowder. It did the job. Without a name brand celebrity dumbass on the label, it did the job just fine, and without the celebrity's $4 price tag.

Tomorrow: Tabasco Green Pepper

Topics: Hot Sauce, Louisiana

Day 90: Pain Is Good Jalapeno Wasabi

2005-10-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Pain is Good Jalapeno Wasabi Batch #66 Hot Sauce"

The creators of Pain Is Good had enough success with their 3 Sultans of Sizzle, they expanded out with their 3 Divas of Spice. I love the new faces on the labels. Somehow, I just picture the wife of the creator nagging him about equal opportunities, etc. "If you and your drunk buddies can put your ugly mugs on the sauces, why not us?"

When I first heard about the new Diva sauces and read their labels, I thought: No way, I'll pass. A full bottle of wasabi? What the hell would I use that on? Another one was labeled, "Honey Cayenne Hot Mustard", and I wondered if these were even hot sauces! Then one fateful day I was eating at a local Mexican restaurant with a basket of hot sauces to sample, and this one was in there. I said what the hell and tried it out. Turns out it was really good! When I saw this sitting on a shelf 2 months later, I snatched it up. I've been holding on to it for quite a while, because to eat a whole bottle, I figured I would need the right food. And this one is screaming Chinese Buffet.

This morning my girlfriend suggest we go to a Chinese restaurant today. I innocently said, "Good idea", and went to the basement and brought this sauce upstairs. Unfortunately, by the time afternoon rolled around, we both agreed we weren't in the mood (her) or weren't hungry enough (me) to go to the China Buffet. Instead, I picked up some egg rolls at the grocery store when picking up a missing ingredient for the chili I was making for work.

Turns out that the wasabi flavor isn't that strong. It wasn't necessary to wait around for Chinese food. In fact, I should have had this with steak! The flavor and smell was a wonderful creamy horseradish. If it had been white, I never would have guessed it had wasabi in it. The jalapeno flavor in the sauce was a great addition. It added a little zing to the tongue while the horseradish tickled the nose hairs. My previous concerns of whether or not this is an actual hot sauce are no longer valid. First, I don't care. It was delicious. Second, there was no mistaking the familiar jalapeno flavor. An excellent combination.

Breakfast of Champions!

The look and consistency of pea green paste that only a baby could love!

Thankfully, it didn't taste like peas.

Tomorrow: Bouliard's Louisiana

Topics: Hot Sauce, Wasabi, Pain

Day 89: Pure Habanero

2005-10-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm still sniffing this bottle, even while empty! The aroma that still lingers has a deep and complex odor that has me forgetting to breath back out.

Where was I? Oh yes, The taste! That's right. This sauce is bursting with flavor. The flavor is smooth, bitter, salty, and very tart at the same time. Very surprising since this is the ingredient list:
"Habaneros, Salt, & Vinegar"

That's it. Not much, huh? I guess that's why they call it "Pure Habanero".

It's a thick sauce that clings to the walls of the bottle. The consistency reminded me of liquid clay. That might not sound appetizing, but hey, that's what came to my mind.

It's quite hot, with a lingering heat in every bite. But to be honest, I'm surprised it wasn't hotter considering the ingredient list. If this was pure habaneros, they couldn't have used very hot ones. I wonder if it's possible to soak habaneros in something for a while to leach out the heat, and then use the pepper afterwards. Maybe it's like that episode in Seinfeld where Elaine starts a business that sells only the coveted top half of muffins, except in this case, the sauce is made from only the tips of the habaneros (where the heat is the weakest). I'm just grasping at straws here, but I've recently had hotter habanero sauces that were hotter than this one. And their ingredients list was 3 times longer.

The bottle itself is one of a kind. Or three of a kind if you count the other two they make. A custom shaped bottle. Some leather and metal decoration wrapped around the bottle. A very small label that brilliantly allows full view of their pure sauce inside. A ten dollar price tag (assholes). And a cork on the top, to impress us with its wine like vintage.

Unfortunately, I'm now convinced that the cork is a serious problem. I got to thinking after reading Nick's theories and comments about my comments on the metal flavor I experienced with the Pure Cayenne sauce. First, his discovery of the salty crustacean buildup around the cork after a week was very interesting. I've never experienced it, partly because I usually refrigerate my sauces once they're open, and also because the last bottle I bought was finished in one day, not giving it time to build up. Then he mentioned the sludge he had to scrape out of the neck of the bottle when he first removed the cork. I also had to do that with all the bottles. And if there's one thing different about these sauces than the rest of sauces in the world, it's the cork.

I think the cork is either reacting to the sauce, or simply letting air in. After all, you can't pull a cork out of a wine bottle just by yanking on it. You have to use a corkscrew. The corks on these hot sauces, however, are half in, half out. Even a small kid could pull it out. Hell, the only thing holding them there during shipment was a small plastic heat shrink (which is also not air tight at all due to the shape of the bottle's top)

Luckily, the metallic flavor wasn't present in the Habanero or Jalapeno sauces. Only the Cayenne. And only when eaten in large quantities. I don't think it's a fluke, I had it for the first time 3 years ago, and it was present there. Nick's last theory about slow moving inventory due to its ridiculous prices brings up a good point. They need to use fool proof bottling techniques.

Breakfast of Champions!

A veggie omelette simmering by a pile of hot sauce. Coffee in my Tabasco cup. Pure Habanero Hot sauce within reach. Name one restaurant that could provide that.

This is a great tasting sauce, and will put a nice fire in most people's mouths. However, it's almost too expensive to eat. It is worth experiencing once, though. Especially the Pure Jalapeno, which is still my favorite.

Tomorrow: Pain Is Good Jalapeno Wasabi

Topics: Hot Sauce, Habanero

Day 88: Chef Han's Louisiana

2005-10-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

This was better than the green sauce Chef Han makes. Thank God. I don't think I could stand another day of disappointment like that again so soon. However, this was still a typical red vinegar sauce, except that it was even more watered down & weak.

I thought today I'd go the extra mile and spice up my daily trudge with a little analysis. I took a few pictures while making a sandwich. I don't really put a lot of thought into it, but there is always a rhyme to reason for doing certain things. It all starts when I wake up, and decide what hot sauce to open. Do I have time for to make eggs for breakfast? If so, I should try a difficult sauce to finish (very hot or very big bottles) because I'll have 3 meals instead of two. Am I going out to eat for lunch? Going out for supper? If not, soup will be on the menu and I should stick to vinegar sauces. Out of vinegar sauces? I'll have to be creative.

Chef Han's sauce today was weak and boring, but for some reason I didn't get through very much at lunch. For supper I tried my clam chowder trick, but you can only turn a white soup so red before giving up. I decided to make a sandwich, an old trick to finish the rest of a hot sauce bottle.

Here is: "Smoking Tongue's Sandwich Strategy Guide" to finishing off a hot sauce bottle.

Step One: The Bread
Bread is where the magic happens. It's the single biggest ingredient of our sandwich that will hold and soak up the hot sauce. If you don't hit your quota here, you're not going to get it later.

White bread is the best for vinegar sauces. Although I really enjoy wheat and other flavors, they contrast with the flavor of hot sauces too much. Save those for other condiments. Boring white bread is actually our friend in this case.

Step Two: The Meat
I think any meat could work here. Corned beef and sauerkraut would have been great, but I don't really buy that for home. Today, it's turkey for me. I took this opportunity to unload quite a bit of hot sauce here on this layer. Each layer counts. Don't be shy.

Step Three: The Cheese
This is just for show, just for completion. Cheese won't soak any in, and if it's the last layer, you're only going to put hot sauce next to the hot sauce already put on the top piece of bread.

Lettuce is a big no-no. I love lettuce in my sandwiches, being a big fan of any vegetable. However, it's just an accident waiting to happen. Believe me and my previously ruined shirts. Lettuce is like a sieve. It'll be dripping enough already.

Step Four: Eat
The goal here is to eat the sandwich without dripping too much hot sauce out. Practice will make perfect. Also, it's time to figure out if a 2nd sandwich is needed to finish off the bottle, or if dunking the sandwich into more hot sauce is needed. I opted for another sandwich.

As you can see in the picture, some bleeding occurred where my fingers held onto the sandwich. This is the sign of the perfect maximum capacity.

If you've really done your job right, eating this is going to be like trying to juggle 4 pails of water. You're going to end up hunching 2" above the plate so that you don't spill all over yourself.

Tomorrow: Pure Habanero

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 87: Habanero Hot Sauce From Hell

2005-10-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

"The World's Hottest Hot Sauce"

So the label says.
I was pouring this into my soup at lunch, when a coworker sitting next to me said, "You've never tasted that sauce before, and you're pouring in that much without testing it??"

I said, "Sure, of course. How hot could it be?"

I took a couple first sips, and started coughing up a storm. Everyone laughed.

Sure, it was hot. But mostly my sore throat and coughing started to seize up! It was funny though, and it makes everyone laugh to see me hurting. Even the guy that bought this sauce for me had to walk across the cafeteria and see for himself if he burned me. After a while I was back to normal and was able to finish the soup.

The first ingredient of this sauce is water, but the sauce is hot. It looks and smells JUST like a normal red vinegar sauce, but the sauce is hot! It's very salty, but the sauce is hot. It's not very tasty, but you guessed it, the sauce is hot.

On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some frozen pizza. I knew this sauce was hot as hell, so I needed a real food to usher it to my mouth. Let me just say...I ate the whole damn pizza, and barely could stand it!
It was work.
With hazard pay.
It was hot, hot, hot.

One of the things I noticed while eating this hot sauce, is how hard it is to eat a runny sauce on pizza. A thick sauce is easy, you can pour it on the top, and it clings in place. Runny sauce doesn't work that way. Well, unless you're just shaking a few drops on. But when you have to eat a lot of it, it's best to dunk your food in. That's why I use a container so often, as seen in the picture. The thin sauce will coat itself thinly and evenly over the food, and fall off. So you have to really dunk it. Like an evil witch. Thus, every square millimeter of each bite is completely covered in hot sauce. And when the sauce is HOT, then your tongue can not hide from its witchcraft.

Conclusion: Runny hot sauces seem hotter than thick hot sauces.

And by the way, don't be fooled by their link on the label.
BeyondHot.com just points to Southwest Specialty Food's Ass Kickin' site. (annoying music and all)

Tomorrow: Chef Han Red Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Hell

Day 86: Ass Kickin' Original

2005-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

I've had this sauce once before, and remember finishing it off in one meal. So it can't be that hot, right?

Well, during lunch my whole team went out to eat lunch at a Smokey Bones BBQ restaurant. I ordered their pull pork with sides, and poured out a healthy dose. My first bite caught me by surprised and started to make me cough. I quietly mentioned that it was a lot hotter than I remembered, and a few of the people sitting nearest me started to laugh.

Then one of the guys piped up and asked if anyone wanted to try out the hot sauce that *I* didn't know was so hot.
No takers.

Half way through the meal I normalized (I'm getting over a cold), and it was easier to eat. Still pretty hot though.

This sauce has a harsh habanero flavor. Some sauces, the habs blend in nicely. Taste fresh. Sweet. Whatever. These guys, however, just taste pissed off. Having water and tomato paste as the first ingredients must be the reason. Also, the consistency is a thick runny sauce with too many seeds.

By the end of the meal, I finally poured the last of it on my food. Unfortunately, it was noticed by the others, and they made a big deal about it. Oh my gosh, you really ate the whole bottle? You are nuts. That is crazy. How can you even taste any food. How much did you waste on that sauce.

What can I say, eating a full bottle of hot sauce can turn heads.

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 85: Big S Farms Tennessee Thunder

2005-10-12T05:57:00.000-07:00

Lunch today was Taco Tuesday. That meant I shelved the shitty sauce I originally brought in from home, and looked around my work desk to see if I had something with more oomph. I easily settled on this sauce, since I had so much fun with their first one.

At Oh-12-Hundred, we had lunchtime lift off, and I poured 1/2 the bottle over my crumbled up tacos. No hesitation, no taste tests. When the faith is strong, miracles can happen. And yes, it was delicious.

This sauce really packs a nice amount of heat. It's not as hot as the first one, but surprising when you look at the ingredient list: Onions, Carrots, Vinegar, Habanero, Lime Juice, Garlic, Salt.

Habaneros is pretty far down on the list, yet is never missed in each bite. It just comes down to quality. If Tabasco's Habanero sauce says its number one ingredient is Habanero, but is much weaker than this sauce where Habanero is 4th, it's obvious to me which one is trying to make a buck, and which one is trying to make a good sauce.

This sauce is sweeter than the first one I tried, and will probably be most people's favorite if they try these 3 sauces. It's very light and fresh tasting. Refreshing. It's like the Gatorade of Hot Sauces.

Bottoms Up!

The picture doesn’t do it much justice. Although it is a little runny, there’s a thickness and pulpiness my crappy camera can’t catch.

HOT. I actually only had half a shot because I am feeling sick, and it put me into a coughing fit from the heat. I put the rest of the delicious stuff on my tacos.

Wow, I just realized I had tacos for lunch AND for supper.
What a loser.

Tomorrow: Ass Kickin' Original

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 84: Sauza Hot Sauce

2005-10-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Imported Sauza Tequila Infused Fiery Hot Sauce"

The #1 Tequila in Mexico has taken their famous name and slapped it on a few other food items: Sauza Lime Chipotle Marinade, Sauza Mustard, Sauza Chipotle Lime Party Dip, and the hot sauce I'm holding in my hand.

I found this bottle in the back of a TJ Max department store, between a candle and a pink BBQ sauce. The label is a shiny, reflective gold that screams "BUY ME - I'M OFFICIAL!" (The fact it was a hot sauce was all I needed to buy it, though)

I treated this sauce like I would a normal red vinegar sauce. However, there were subtle differences. The flavor has a distinct picante flavor, one I've found in other direct Mexican imports in the past. I'm not really a big fan. There's just something sour and off in picante type sauces. At least for my palette.

The good news, in my case, is that I couldn't really pick up on that flavor when I poured this in my soup for lunch. I also couldn't really pick it up when I poured it all over my eggs for supper. Only when I tasted this by the tablespoon.

One flavor that I didn't pick up at all was the Tequila. I'm not really sure what food is suppose to taste like with tequila in it. I doubt it makes much difference. The manufacturer of this bottle is Haus Barhyte. Looks like they've been busy securing the liquor infused food market. They have mustards for Stolichnaya Vodka, Beefeater, Aviator Ale, Sauza, and others. A big gimmick if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I don't need to fall down a flight of steps in a drunken stupor just because I ate a jar of "Beefeater Olives", but if I can't say "Damn, I can taste the liquor in this stuff, it's awesome" then what's the point? There are only 3 off-the-shelf items I've eaten in the past that have succeeded in this regard. Jack Daniel's Sunflower Seeds, a whiskey BBQ I forgot the name of, and Kosciusko Spicy Brown Beer Mustard (Which my sister has aptly described as smelling like a day old open can of Keystone Light)

Sauza's label was fancy schmancy, though. The guy that created that label should be trained as a chef to make their next hot sauce.

Tomorrow: Big S Farms Tennessee Thunder

Topics: Hot Sauce, Sauza

Day 83: Peppers Hot Sauce

2005-10-10T13:23:00.000-07:00

I was feeling under the weather today, and not hungry at all since I had that midnight snack yesterday.

So I grabbed the weakest looking sauce I could find in my collection: Peppers.

A typical red vinegar hot sauce, it seems like this is the 3rd one I've had that was relabeled for Peppers.

Since there's nothing new to say about the sauce, let's talk about the store. An absolute gold mine if you live on the east coast, and a great resource if you can only visit them on the web. It's a lot of fun. My favorite is the I survived pictures they put online. Some look like a hellofa lot of fun.

Chip Hearn and family are the owners of Peppers. Their operation is a LOT bigger than I thought, with over 40 full time employees, sales in 100 different countries, and annual sales in the millions. Now that's a lot of Hot. They have a re-labeling business, which means you can put your own label on a hot sauce (like the one I ate today). And unknown to me until today, they also make some sauces! Georgia Peach & Vidalia Onion Hot Sauce, Predator Sauce, You Can't Handle This, and others.

When you go international where you might carry one or two or three cases of product, "Now you have to have fifty cases."

50 cases of each sauce? Sounds like dream. Now that is a warehouse I'd like to get lost in!

Tomorrow: Sauza Fiery Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Peppers

Day 82: El Yucateco Red

2005-10-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

Full Name on Label: "El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero Red Hot Sauce"

Today won't be remembered by me as the day I finished El Yucateco's very hot, red sauce. I'll always remember it as the day I got so drunk at a local beer festival that I lit the circus tent on fire and ran around buck naked screaming "It burns, it burns!", chased by 4 police men spraying me with delicious pepper spray.

Ok, maybe not. 35 vendors, 75 beers. My brother-in-law and I barely made it to every vendor, and we came embarrassingly short of trying every beer. Since this isn't a blog about drinking a bottle of beer every day, I'll move on and talk about eating a bottle of hot sauce every day...

The festival started at noon, so I made a huge spread of beef tacos at 11. Everyone arrived right on time, and we dug into my masterpieces. My brother in law is in love with Hot Habaneros of Texas which I have quite a few leftover samples of. He also requested El Yucateco's XXXtra Hot, which I gladly obliged by opening a new bottle for. For myself, I brought out El Yucateco's RED sauce. Not quite as hot, but while he was pouring drops on his tacos, I was drowning mine in red.

This is only a 4 ounce bottle, but it was hot as hell. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I've been sick the last couple of days, and it's been hard enough breathing with one plugged nostril of snot. Now I have to navigate through a sweaty forehead, runny nose, and sickly snot. It was a napkin nightmare. I felt like a pro athlete that forgot to stretch before the game. I was crippled!

The sauce was only half empty when I left for the beer festival. It would take a very active supper to finish the rest of the sauce.

The first time I ever had this sauce was on Jambalaya made at work. It was Fate. The right sauce, at the right time, at the right meal. Absolutely perfect. Today's tacos should have been the Second Coming, but I was just too sick to enjoy it like I should have.

The smell is slightly harsh. The taste is only above average because if you look at the ingredients, water and tomatos are 2nd and 3rd on the list. The heat makes up (and covers) for this. My biggest complaint about this sauce (and the green sauce) is the food coloring that was added. Fakers!

Our wives picked us up after the beer festival, and wanted to go out to eat. Yea! I'm drunk! Sounds great!

When I got there I realized that I didn't have my hot sauce on me. Or in the car. I was basically fucked.

In a fit of strategy, I didn't touch my sandwich, and only ate the free French fries that come with the meal. My intention was to take the sandwich home in a doggy bag and finish it with the sauce when I got home. When we got home, we watched a horror movie and I fell (passed) asleep (out) on the couch. I woke up a little before midnight and suddenly remembered I had a half bottle of hot sauce to finish!

I wasn't hungry. In fact, I felt like the fucking Pillsbury Doughboy. But I unbuttoned my pants and took out that Ragin’ Cajun sandwich and ate the bad boy. Slathered in red hot sauce.

Eating a bottle of sauce every day is HARD work!

Tomorrow: Peppers Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, El Yucateco

Day 81: Frontera Jalapeno Hot Sauce

2005-10-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

God, this sauce smells so good. If there was a deodorant like this, I'd buy it. I'd smell so good, people would want to lick my armpits.

Sniffing this bottle (even now when it's empty) reminds me of what it smells like when you squeeze a lime over a sizzling plate of fajitas at a Mexican restaurant.

Overall, this sauce isn't very hot, but tastes pretty good. Not quite as tasty as how it smells, but pretty damn good. The lime is pretty strong, followed by a fresh, crisp jalapeno flavor that I enjoy. I don't see "lime" in the ingredient list anywhere, so what the hell do I know?

"Ingredients: Cider vinegar, filtered water, fresh jalapeños, pickled jalapeños (jalapeños, water, vinegar, salt, spices), onion, garlic, olive oil, salt, sugar, xanthan gum"

I'm surprised we have success here when the first two ingredients are basically juice. It would explain why there's not much heat.

The most famous Mexican street vendors sear meat over burning charcoal, lay it on warm tortillas and drizzle it with this tangy blend of roasted jalapenos and garlic. We bet you’ll think up uses that’ll make you famous, too. Serve Jalapeno Hot Sauce with eggs, in potato salads, over grilled fish and dashed into guacamole."

Bottoms Up!
Ah yes, drinking this straight was just as good as snorting it up my nose. Smells good, tastes good, IS good. The only thing keeping this sauce from being my all time favorite is that the flavor of the jalapenos just isn't strong enough. And, needless to say, isn't spicy enough at all. Something is just missing.

So far, this is the best Frontera sauce I've had so far.

Tomorrow: El Yucateco Red

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 80: Horrible Haggis' Pleasure N Pain

2005-10-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Horrible Haggis's Pleasure 'n' Pain XX Hot Chilli Sauce"

The Ultimate Stimulant!

A hot sauce from down under? Hell yea! From Victoria, Australia, we have a company named after cute deer and venomous spiders: "Redback Chilli Co - Deer Farm" (Don't worry, venison is not one of the ingredients!)

The guy that runs the show calls himself Horrible Haggis, and boy has he been busy. For the last year I've watched his website mention all the festivals he planned on attending. And it looks like he's been traveling for years. His hot sauces have racked up a lot of awards across the globe, and even winning awards in America. He travels so much, he could be a diplomat. This particular sauce has won at least 4 awards, the biggest being a few years ago as the People's Choice Award at the Houston Hot Sauce Festival's People's Choice Award.

The first time I had sauces from this company was about a year ago. A friend was unloading some "crap" from a back shelf. No heat shrinks, no clue where he got them from, no clue when he got them. I was hesitant to die from food poisoning, but eventually was more fearful of eating bland foods. I absolutely loved them! So it was a great pleasure to find this sauce again on one of my stores in town. This time, with heat shrinks still attached!

The sauce is dark red in color, and isn't ashamed to have seeds floating around in its thick, chunky sauce. This sauce isn't quite like the normal sauces in the United States, it's slightly similar to a chutney instead.

"Pleasure'n'Pain: Well there is an old Aussie pub rock band back in the early days by the name of The Divynls with an excellent song by the name, Pleasure'n'Pain, Yes there is a fine line between Pleasure'n'Pain."

Horrible Haggis claims this to be one of the hottest natural sauces around, and he's not joking. It's very hot. The flavor is heavily based in tomatoes, with a slight relish resemblance. For about 1 second. Then the heat comes down like a jackhammer, obliterating the brief flavor.

For lunch, we went to a Qdoba Grill, and I ate a large burrito. I poured a bit of this sauce on top for each bite. My nose was running from the first bite to the last. Back at work, I ended up burping all day long. This sauce has very long, lingering effects. I am starting to think that Mr. Haggis had a very troubling youth, and this is his vengeance upon the world.

For supper, I mixed the rest of this bottle with tuna to make a hellishly hot tuna fish sandwich. Although I thought it tasted delicious, I ended up having a stomach ache until I went to bed! Damn if this isn't heart-burn in a bottle. In smaller amounts (like the first time I ate this hot sauce last year) this sauce is perfect. Crazy things can happen, though, when eating a whole bottle.

The picture on this label has a bit of a nun theme going on. There's a story there, but I'll have to save it for when I eat the Bad Habits hot sauce.

Collector's: It's been mentioned on their web site that there's been three label changes over the last few years. Do you have every version? Oh no, you don't? You're missing out! Rares! Rares!

We are lucky to have the Redback Chilli Co. in the Hot Sauce Kingdom. These fiery sauces are a great addition to anyone's fiery arsenal. He should be careful, though. Someday these sauces may be banned from being imported to the United States as Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

More Sauces by Redback Chilli Co:
Redback Mild Chilli Sauce
Redback Hot Chilli Sauce
Horrible Haggis's Bad Habits
Horrible Haggis's Bad Habits Collector's Edition
Horrible Haggis's Arse Dropper
Horrible Haggis's Billinsky's Hot Sauce
Horrible Haggis's Billinsky's Collector's Edition
Horrible Haggis's Pleasure N Pain Collector's Edition

Tomorrow: Frontera Jalapeno Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Australia

Day 79: Big S Farms Mountain Green

2005-10-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Big S Farms Tennessee Mountain Green Habanero Hot Sauce"

I cringe when I see an organic hot sauce. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of organic foods, sometimes buy organic foods, sometimes even like the taste of organic foods. But every hot sauce I've had that is labeled as 100% organic always seems to use "Organic Apple Cider Vinegar". Which is a fancy way of saying Satan's Piss.

Big S Farms makes 3 hot sauces. They claim all natural ingredients, no preservatives, and the first bottle I looked at had "Organic Apple Cider Vinegar" as its 2nd ingredient. I threw these to the bottom of the barrel, assuming the worst.

But, as I've mentioned before, it doesn't take long until I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, and thus I was forced to crack one of these open. It was Taco day at work, so I wanted something hot. Since this one had habaneros listed first, I grabbed Tennessee Mountain Green, and hoped for the best.

There were two other things that caught my eye on their label. The first thing was that just plain vinegar was listed in the ingredient list instead of Apple Cider Vinegar. Yea me! The 2nd thing I read was "Extra Hot. And We Mean It."

Ha ha ha! If only I had a nickel for every wimpy hot sauce that said something like that... I could open a hot sauce store. We'll give that warning the same amount of attention we give to 10 mph street signs. Still though, I liked how they phrased it.

I poured two-thirds of this bottle on my tacos for lunch. The sauce is a beautiful green color, which is a fun treat when you know they're habaneros instead of jalapenos. It's runny with vinegar, but has plenty of pulp in it. I would guess people on both sides of the vinegar fence would enjoy this sauce.

After admiring how it looked, I took a bite.

HOT! And I mean it!

Finishing the meal was a lot harder than I had imagined. If I had known it was this hot, I probably would have saved more for supper! As I kept eating, the pain grew and grew. My mouth was lit up, and my nose was running like a leaky faucet. Much hotter than it looks.

I think there was too much vinegar, but the flavor was amazing. Sweet, tart, then just plain delicious green habanero flavor. Then the heat. Lots and lots of heat.

Wow, for supper I had a piece of pizza to finish off the bottle, and my mouth is still on fire as I write this!

Big S Farms is located in Parrottsville, Tennessee. They claim to be one of the oldest farming communities in the land. For the longest time, tobacco grew in the area's fields, but now habaneros are growing. I remember years ago working on the southern border of Indiana. The accent there proved that Kentucky was but a cow tip away. My coworker there explained to me that tobacco was one of the biggest cash crops in the area that the small farmers could rely on every year. Now there's less demand for Tobacco, and the government has even forced unnatural market restrictions on its growth and worth. It basically ruined many economies in the area.

I can only assume the same has happened in the Tennessee area. The Keith's, Sugg's and Carter's of Big S Farms have switched to growing habaneros as an alternative way to be in business. If this sauce is any indication, I have no doubts of their future success. I highly recommend this sauce on its flavor and enjoyable heat!

Tomorrow: Horrible Haggis Pain & Pleasure

Topics: Hot Sauce, Tennessee

Day 78: D.L. Jardine's Sontava

2005-10-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "D.L. Jardine's Sontava! Habanero XX Hot Sauce"

I bought a lonely hot dog during lunch, and just poured, poured, poured this stuff on it. It soaked into the bun until it was soggy, and then I had myself a very nice, poppin' dog.

This is a bright orange, carrot-based sauce with a great taste, decent heat level. Very fresh looking and tasting.

I'm confused about the D.L Jardine name on it, though. First, it's in very small print. 2nd, they don't sell it on their web site. And lastly, the flavor and consistency really reminds me of their other orange sauce.

I wish I had their other sauce side by side to this one. But I ate them. They just might be the same.

I was able to find some broken links cached on Google about Sontava on D.L. Jardine's web site. This is what they at least used to say about Sontava:

"When asked what Sontava! meant, after experiencing the indescribable fresh, zesty, Latin flavor, the reply was "It just came out. I couldn't think of any words to describe this combination of fresh flavor & just the right heat experience."

"There really is no easy way to describe Sontava! Starting with real habaneros grown in Belize, we cook them with just the right blend of vinegar and spices, and bottle it in small batches. Never too pungent, always the right balance of fire and flavor. Sontava! Is available in XX and XXX heat. It's the perfect hot sauce. Eat Well! Eat Sontava!"

Whoa, did I read that right? It comes in XXX heat also! I'm all over that! If I can find it. Stay tuned.

Tomorrow: Big S Farms - Mountain Green

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 77: Louisiana Habanero

2005-10-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Louisiana The Perfect Habanero Hot Sauce"

I broke down and bought this hot sauce. Of the new flavors that Bruce Foods introduced a few years back, this is about the only one that didn't suck. They say that movie sequels are always terrible, it's unfortunate that it can be true with food too.

These new flavors come in tall, skinny, 3 ounce bottles. They're pretty damn cheap, too, which is always good when you're eating a whole bottle every day.

Right from the first bite, I realized that this packed more of a punch that I remember. I put half of this in my soup at lunch, and I don't know if I cooked it too long, or if it was just the sauce, but my mouth was quite toasty.

At night I was able to recreate the heat on other foods, so I must salute these guys on not messing around. Now if only they could make a big bottle of it. (Hear that? BIGGER!)

It has a lot of vinegar in it, but the heat and flavor of Louisiana style sauces almost makes up for it. If you're a fan of vinegar sauces to begin with, or a big fan of the original like me, then you'll really love it. Add to this the cheap cost, easy access at most stores, and we have a winner.

Someday, I’d love to put it head-to-head with Tabasco's Habanero sauce.

These guys have the most catch phrases on a hot sauce bottle, than anyone else. I used to think the brand name was "Original". Now I'm not so sure.

"Louisiana (TM)"
"The Perfect Hot Sauce"
"The Red Dot"
"Original"
"One Drop Does It!

Tomorrow: Sontava!

Topics: Hot Sauce, Habanero, Louisiana

Day 76: Art Of Chipotle - Sweet Heat

2005-10-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

Full Name: The Art Of Chipotle Sweet Heat Addiction"

Jeez! You don't want to go to this site with your speakers on. You'll blow out your ear drums!

Other than that, it's a pretty normal site where you can read about their history, products, and their phun name: Pfleider Phoods. The only other bizarre thing on their web site is they like to sell in 3-paks. This is a slight problem for someone who has 4 different sauces for sale. Thus, they have all 5 combinations possible of different 3-paks. Why they don't sell a 4-pak of all their sauces is beyond me. Sure, you can buy each one separately (but of course in 3's) so if you want to try them all... you need to buy 12. Confused? Well, just buy it from another vendor who isn't obsessed with the number 3.

Luckily, I was able to find this bottle on a local shelf!

And what a huge, monstrous bottle it is. A full 14 ounces. It also has a very wide neck & opening. I presume for faster chugging.

Which is about what I had to do to finish it in one day. Lucky for me, it was a sweet, pleasant sauce I didn't mind drowning my food with.

For breakfast I had eggs, or what I presume were eggs. Hard to tell behind all the thick, sweet goo on my plate. To be honest, I finished most of the bottle then and there, and simply had to finish the rest up on some hot dogs during lunch.

It's an extremely sweet sauce without much heat. The flavor is very odd. But an interesting odd. I'd have to say that their old name, "Schizophrenic Chipotle", really sums up the confusing unique flavor. As if it doesn't know what it is.

Although interesting, it's not my cup of tea.

The color and consistency is pleasing to look at. The thickness borders on a marinade, and considering how sweet it is, would make a killer coating to BBQ chicken with.

I'm curious if Pfleider Phoods have met Phamous Phloyd's?

Other big flavors:
Art of Chipotle - Smokey Red Sensation
Art of Chipotle - Crazzberry Fiesta
Art of Chipotle - Fresh Cream Indulgence

Tomorrow: Original Louisiana Habanero

Topics: Hot Sauce, Chipotle

Day 75: Pure Cayenne

2005-10-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. We went to a winery and got to sample all their wines. Then my girlfriend bought a whole case of her favorite wine at a discount. I'm not a wine fan at all, but I was more than happy to drive her there and back. She will, after all, be dropping me off and picking me up at next week's Beer Festival.

After we were done at the wine festival, we went to an Autumn Fest in a nearby town. This happens to be the location of my favorite little hot sauce store. I took the opportunity to buy the two remaining "Pure" sauces.

So I had this sauce immediately on a Culver's Grilled Reuben Sandwich. Very, very good. If the bees weren't trying to dive bomb me, it would have been a great lunch. In small amounts, this sauce tastes so pure, so peppery, so delicious. But when you have too much at once, it has a real metallic taste. It's really a bizarre phenomenon. If this was tuna, I'd swear I was tasting mercury. I have no idea what's wrong with their process, but something is definitely leaving a bad impression.

Once you taste the impurity, it's impossible not to notice it from then on. What in the world happened? Did their metal grinder add metal shavings?

Later that night I had a couple of hamburgers, and was able to finish the rest of the hot sauce. What a great sauce to be dipping food in! Sadly, the metallic flavor was still present. Luckily, the flavor was still enjoyable.

Tomorrow: Art Of Chipotle - Sweet Heat

Topics: Hot Sauce, Cayenne

Day 74: Mo Hotta Habanero

2005-10-01T05:16:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Mo Hotta Mo Betta Red Savina Habanero Hot Sauce"

Years and Years ago when I first started eating hot things, before the World Wide Web was roaring, there was the mail order catalog I magically stumbled across:
Mo Hotta, Mo Betta.

It was my only link to a spicier world.

I don't really remember what I ordered from them, usually just random sauces. I do remember one time buying a few hot lollipops for my work desk, in the hopes that my boss's thieving kids would steal those too, and die eating them. Unfortunately they never did.

Even though Mo Hotta seems to mostly be into selling just about every hot sauce in the world, they also make a few of their own. I have tried a couple of their hot sauces years ago, and was so turned off by them, I almost didn't give this bottle a chance. I mean some of their scoville ratings are at 830, 450, 300, and ...*gasp*... 70!

Salt & Pepper is spicier than that!

This one, however, was HOT!
This one blew my mouth out when I was eating lunch.
I'm so impressed and happy!

Taste wasn’t all that great. It had a gelatin consistency, and a mild pepper taste. But then the front heat came and washed all the flavor away.

Best sauce I've had all week. Extremely happy they pulled this off. I wonder if they have other super hot ones! It will be a cold day in hell I shell out money for a 70 scoville hot sauce, though.

"The Red Savina Habanero pepper is touted in the Guiness Book of World Records as the hottest pepper in the world. With such a distinction we figured this incendiary chile was worth basing a hot sauce on... and here it is! This sauce is not for sissy-lips. Pour with caution - this tropical blend has a hurricane force."

For a personal blurb about their own hot sauce, I have to agree. This isn't for Sissy-lips. It ranks at 5,470 scovilles. That's more than all their other hot sauces added together! Not too shabby in this Tabasco-run world.

Burritos look pretty boring on the outside, huh?! Well it could have been empty on the inside, this sauce would have made it an adventure. Burritos in heat.

More sauces by Mo Hotta Mo Betta:
Mo Hotta – Cayenne Garlic
Mo Hotta – Chipotle Adobo
Mo Hotta – Jalapeno Classic
Mo Hotta – Sunny Serrano
Mo Hotta – Tamarind
Mo Hotta – Honey N Habanero
Mo Hotta – Roasted Raspberry Chipotle
Mo Hotta – Betta Tequila Chile

Tomorrow: Pure Cayenne

Topics: Hot Sauce, Habanero

Day 73: Chef Han's Jalapeno

2005-09-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

"Shake Well"

Shake well, indeed!
So separated, it was about to get a divorce. When I saw this sitting on the shelf at the grocery store, it deserved a picture right then and there! The bottom half of the bottle had the pulp. The top half was a completely see-through green liquid. How embarrassing for Chef Han. When hot sauces separate, it's kind of like being caught with your pants down and forgetting to wear any underwear. This means that more than 1/2 the bottle was pure vinegar. How cheap and lazy can you get?

This was a 6 ounce bottle, and I could barely use it all today. It was hard work. Every time I thought my food was too saturated with the sauce, I dug deep like Rocky, and poured a bit more.

For lunch, I specifically had Clam Chowder so that I could pour it in. Unfortunately, I was sitting with some people at work I usually don't sit with, so it was hard for me to pour 1/2 the bottle in. I only put 1/4th in, and even that amount amazed them. It was embarrassing.

At home, I had some on tuna which I mixed the sauce in with. Not very good.

Then I put some on a ham sandwich. Not very good.

I put the rest of the sauce on some mixed vegetables. Not very good.

I guess supper turned out to be: Not very good.

The sauce was just too tart, too runny. I don't even have to mention that there was no heat.

Bottoms Up!

Fucking Hell. I can't describe it any better than that. This has got to rank up there close to #1 in making a tart face. My face scrunches up, then my whole body just tenses up as I wait for my epileptic fit to be over. You know, the reason I do these "shot" descriptions, is so I can describe the pure FLAVOR of the sauce. Not talk about bodily functions that occur.

Chef Han wins the first "Go Fuck Yourself" award from me.
Seriously.

Tomorrow: Mo Hotta Mo Betta Habanero

Topics: Hot Sauce, Vinegar, Dog Shit

Day 72: Gator Vertigo

2005-09-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

Eating a bottle of hot sauce every day can quickly deplete anyone's hot sauce stash. I know things start to get dicey for me when I find myself debating on eating a sauce that looks like it was made in 1901 vs. a purple-green sauce I have with no label.

This bottle of Gator Vertigo had been passed over for well over a month now. I kept looking at how separated the vinegar and sauce looked, and how faded the label looked. Add to that the fact I've never heard of it, and I couldn't bring myself to eat it. Well today, I didn't have too many other choices, so I shook it up well, and pretended not to look at it.

And I'll be damned if it wasn't a really tasty hot sauce!

I actually ended up eating the whole bottle during lunch. Lunch consisted of a hot dog, dwarfed by 2 mounds of Mac & Cheese. Not the Mac & Cheese that comes out of a box, but the Mac & Cheese that a chef would try to pawn off as a full meal. (Sometimes I wonder if our chef at work used to work at a High School) This sauce really helped it out. There was a strong hint of relish, it was runny and clumpy, but mixed well with the meal.

The guys at work though it was pretty good too. Don't worry, they don't eat much of it. I'm still eating 95% of the bottle. They just like to taste it. Plus no one there knows I'm the Smoking Tongue, so I can't blow my cover by being a greedy wench at times like that. I always share the love of hot sauce.

The back of the label says it's made by Counter-Productive Enterprises from Palm Harbor, FL. Their web site no longer works, but I was able to go back in history and see what it used to look like in 1999 to 2001.

Counter-Productive Enterprises, Inc. was established with one goal in mind. . . . generating smiles. We do that by offering products that please the eyes as well as the taste buds. Gourmet hot sauces and clothing that sport the CP logo are our featured items."

They have a sauce called Gator Snowbird Surprise, that they will only sell to other Floridians. It's not even an option in their order form. Can you say Collectors?!

Here is what they said about today's hot sauce:

Gator Vertigo: The only hotsauce certified at Mach 2, Gator Vertigo is the hottest of the 3 sauces. Fueled by Cayenne and Habanero Peppers with onion, red pepper, garlic and ginger. You won't know which way is up with Gator Vertigo."

I hope they're still in business, but I have no clue where they are. I'm afraid the Gator has gone the way of the Dodo. If I ever see their sauces on a shelf somewhere, I'll probably snatch them up before they're gone forever.

Other sauces by them:

Gator Snowbird Surprise
Gator Squeezin's
Gator Sizzlin' Sauce
Lady Gator Red

Tomorrow: Chef Han's Jalapeno

Topics: Hot Sauce, Gator

Day 71: Currybbean Fiesta

2005-09-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge fan of almost any sauce or condiment. When I eat fish, I use scary amounts of tartar sauce. French fries get half a jug of ketchup. Chips and salsa? I'm the guy with the 10 gallon cowboy hat stealing salsa at Chi-Chi's. (Remember that commercial?)

So it's with great wonder that I'm not a curry fan. I've been to a few Indian restaurants, and while I have always been able to find enjoyable food at their buffets and menus, I steer clear of anything with curry. A real shame, since I hear some can get very spicy.

It also seems like I've had a whole week of weird flavored Caribbean sauces. Caribbean, Karibean……Currybbean? Ugggh.

That being said, I'm quite surprised that this sauce wasn't that bad. It was much better than I thought it would be.

For lunch, I had a huge taco that I crumbled into a salad type mess. Odd combo, to be sure. On one half of the taco, I had it covered in salsa. (In case I didn't like this sauce) The other half I left dry so that I could pour this sauce all over it. The first bite had more of a kick than I ever would have suspected. Although tacos and curry probably aren't the first mixture people would want, it wasn't too bad.

Supper was a large, mostly egg-white omelette. The sauce really didn't go well with it at all. It also wasn't nearly as spicy as I remembered it from lunch.

I have mixed feelings about the sauce. Since I'm not a curry fan to begin with, and the flavor was only above average, I won't be trying it again. True curry fans, however, may have better luck.

Tomorrow: Gator Vertigo

Topics: Hot Sauce, Curry

Day 70: Frenchman's Papaya Fire

2005-09-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Frenchman's Fire - Papaya Mild - Caribbean Hot Sauce"

I'm not even sure that this Neanderthal has ever even eaten a Papaya before, but I bet after having this sauce, I'll know one when I taste one. This sauce is fruit-in-a-bottle. Bright green, thick, tart, and very flavorful.

I didn't think it had much heat, but my friends at work thought it would kick up someone's chili. I told him it would probably COOL down their chili, but they didn't want to try my extract sauce. Oh well. I went ahead and put this on my chicken sandwich, while putting the extract sauce into my own chili.

I had my girlfriend try this at night during supper. She couldn't even swallow it, she had to spit it out. I was amazed. And pissed that she wasted some of my sauce! I know she's a picky eater, but I didn't really think she'd have that reaction. Believe me though, this was a very tasty sauce that would give Concord a run for their fruit juice money.

I'm unable to find a home page for Frenchman's. The few blurbs I've read about them online have all been local papers from the St. Petersburg area talking about them. Hopefully they'll get a little bit bigger, and a little more up to date.

The original Frenchman's Fire Caribbean Hot Sauce is an authentic 350-year-old family recipe from St. Thomas in the U.S.Virgin Islands. But now the original is joined by six new sauces that are flavored versions of the original: mango, papaya, guava, passion fruit, lime, and mild.

Other flavors, if you can find them:
Frenchman's Fire - Guava
Frenchman's Fire - Guava Mild
Frenchman's Fire - Lime
Frenchman's Fire - Mango
Frenchman's Fire - Original
Frenchman's Fire - Original Mild
Frenchman's Fire - Passion Fruit

Tomorrow: Currybean Fiesta

Topics: Hot Sauce, Papaya

Day 69: Emeril's Red Pepper Sauce

2005-09-25T20:47:00.001-07:00

Full Name: "Emeril's Fire It Up! Red Pepper Sauce"

The final nail in the coffin. Putting a picture of a chef on a hot sauce label, definitely means crappy ass sauce.

Years ago, I used to be a big fan of Emeril. We used to watch him on TV, drooling over the stuff he made, pretending that some day we would cook that stuff for ourselves. I guess it's easier to just boil a pot and rip things out of their freeze dried containers.

I do remember buying some cayenne powder in an attempt to Kick Things Up A Notch. Turns out I didn't care for the flavor in my foods, and didn't detect enough heat. My problem was probably buying name brand crap at the store. There are some 1-man operations that make good spices.

One thing I am pretty certain of, is that Emeril would never endorse this product if he had actually tasted it. There is no way he'd use this hot sauce on the show, or at home. It's nothing more than a vinegar sauce. And for some reason, it wasn't red enough for them, so they had to add red food coloring to it!

That being said, I still ate a bottle today. I had most of it on a hamburger at Culver's. There was more heat here than I remembered from the last time I unfortunately used it. Other than that, it was just a boring red vinegar sauce.

He has a green sauce too, which contains an unholy amount of vibrant food coloring. I can't wait 'til I bitch about that one too.

Tomorrow: Frenchman's Papaya Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Emeril

Day 68: Dia De Los Muertos

2005-09-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Captain Thom's Chilli Company - Dia De Los Muertos - Day Of The Dead - Piquine Tequila Pepper Sauce"

This sauce got 2nd place at the 2004 Fiery Foods Challenge in the Chile Specific Hot Sauce category, and 1st place at the 2005 ZestFest in the Chile Blend Hot Sauce category. With a heavy (and distinct) flavor of Piquine coming through, I can see why it could be in Chile Specific category. Since it also has habaneros in the ingredient list giving it some heat, I guess it also qualifies for the Blended Category.

I had this sauce while eating brats at a hot pepper festival this weekend. And never have two foods been meant for each other. This is definitely the classic 'bump' from the peanut butter & chocolate commercials.

"You've got brat in my Pequine sauce!"
"You've got Pequine sauce in my brat!"

I couldn't get enough of this sauce, and since it was so thick, it glopped on my brats perfectly each bite. I know that I was hungry, and probably would have enjoyed licking motor oil from under my car, but today, at this event, at this meal, it was heaven.

The flavor of this sauce has to be experienced to explain. There was a hint of relish, but the pepper flavor is pretty unique. Also, the consistency is a bit gritty, and the color is almost green & purple. But even these two very negative factors were won over by the flavor alone.

The heat level was enjoyable. For me, that means a low burn. For others, probably medium. For the wimps, probably hot as hell.

The dangling skull is pretty cool too.

Bottoms Up!

Well, drinking this straight wasn't quite as enjoyable as it was on food. Looking at the color, seeing the grit, really made my stomach turn. When I shot the sauce back into my mouth, I wanted to gag it up from the gritty texture alone. But a second later the flavor came through, and suddenly it didn't seem so bad. Amazing how the mind is so strong to invoke that initial reaction.

This sauce is good, just don't look at it!!

I'm not very familiar with Captain Thom's store or products, but it seems like he is quite versatile. He has also won some awards with his "Smoked Habaneros in Oil", Jerk Spice, Smokey Pepper Vinegar, Spicy Hickory Rub, and Chili Pepper Salt. From what I could find, he only makes one other hot sauce:

Captain Thom's West African Voodoo Juice

Tomorrow: Emeril's Red Pepper Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Pequine

Day 67: Uncle Dougie's Cayenne Sauce

2005-09-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

The last of Uncle Dougie's hot sauces.

I'm amazed by where I'm starting to see Uncle Dougie products popping up. There must be some serious distribution going on here. And for labels that are quite underwhelming, it seems to be doing well.

This sauce was probably the most boring of the three. If I had this one first, I would definitely cry re-labeling on the company. However, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for now.

This sauce was a typical red vinegar sauce, except that it had lots of red spots in it. In other words, it wasn't a perfectly red coolaid mix, it seemed to have a bit more in it. Or just not as well mixed. Fine with me. I have nothing exciting to say about the flavor of the sauce, since it still tasted like red vinegar. However, I happened to have it with the PERFECT lunch.

Grilled Reuben sandwich at Culver's. I hardly ever have this kind of sandwich, since I'm not a corned beef fan, but I wanted something different today while out on the road. I don't know if it was the sauerkraut in the sandwich that went great with the vinegar, but it BEGGED for more of this sauce. It was an excellent treat, and I'll have to add it to my repertoire against vinegars sauces.

Without a doubt, today’s lunch carried the sauce, instead of the other way around.

Tomorrow: Captain Thom's Dia De Los Muertos

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 66: Maui Pepper Apples Ass

2005-09-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

Taking a close look at this sauce while it was on my food, I could see where the name could have come from. If an apple actually took a shit... this is what it would look like. Murky brown, with chucks apples floating in it.

It smells really good. The flavor is very tart with lots of vinegar. I have mixed views about this sauce. During the day I didn't really like it. I had it on German Potato salad, and then at night, over spaghetti leftovers. The guys at work really liked it (Wimps) but I went through the whole day shaking my head. Is this really a hot sauce? Why bother? What's the point? Eat an apple pie!

However, right before bed, I had quite a few tablespoons left over and tried it straight. It was then that I felt like I had a different bottle in my hand. The flavor is very intriguing. There's a lot going on. First, the sweetness wants to conquer the heat. And yes, there was some heat. My lips had a slight burn to it that I never got from the food. Even when I was done sampling, the heat lingered like a hangover. This is probably one of the most unique sauces that I've liked.

Now the only question is what kind of food to put it on!

"rich and fruity tropical sauce with the alternating sweetness and fire of apple butter, mango, rum and habanero peppers. This sauce adds zip and can dress up any dish with just a few shakes"

Well, it failed to spice up "any" dish, even when using most of the bottle. However, there is definitely a wild alternating flavor going on in this complex sauce.

Whoa! Is Tahiti Joe having second thoughts on the name of this hot sauce? I can see very clearly on the bottle I have in my hands that it says APPLES-ASS. But the logo on his web site is showing something a little more clever: APPLE-SASS.

I wonder if maybe the old one was a typo. Maybe a mean joke by the printer. Maybe he's cleaning up the logo so it can sell at little Suzie's grocery store safely. Or maybe... he's just embarrASSED.

More Sauces
Looks like Tahiti Joe's "Maui Pepper" line is dedicated to wild fruit flavors. If he put as much work into these other sauces as he did this one, I'll be looking forward to testing them out:

Maui Pepper - Mangonesian
Maui Pepper - Mango Meltdown
Maui Pepper - Mango Meltdown X-Treme
Maui Pepper - Sunset Salsa Pineapple Mango

Tomorrow: Uncle Dougie's Cayenne Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Apple

Day 65: D.L. Jardine TexaPeppa

2005-09-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "D.L. Jardine's Texas Ranch Recipes Texapeppa Jalapeno Sauce - Mucho Caliente"

Weird how the other two bottles I had by this company were the normal 5 ounce woozie bottle size. This one is the tall, annoying, doesn't-fit-anywhere 6 ounce version. Also, it has a small opening at the top so that I can't pour the sauce out normally, but resort to shaking it up and down.

There was some green jalapeno flavor in this sauce. It was tart, had too much vinegar, but I still got more enjoyment out of it than I thought I would. I'm a sucker for the jalapeno flavor, even if it's just a little bit of it. I figured this was just a Tabasco Green rip-off. Luckily, this had just a little bit more.

For lunch, I put some on some freshly cooked German Potato Salad. It was home made by the guy at work, and was pretty good. Unfortunately, the sauce didn't add much flavor at all. Very disappointing.

For supper, I poured a heaping amount on Chicken Parmigiana. Again, home made, except we made it. Much more of the jalapeno flavor came out this time, and it was a pretty good combo. My sister was visiting, but I think she was so busy talking about work, she didn’t even notice how much I used.

Bottoms Up!

Shot: Tart. So much vinegar , I should be reviewing it on that. Are people this taste deprived, that this is all they need in food? It's too weak, and way too much vinegar.

Tomorrow: Apples Ass

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 64: Cracker Cowboy Citrus

2005-09-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Cracker Cowboy Devil Horse Citrus Sauce"

Does that sound like a manly name for a hot sauce? Yea, I didn't think so either! I wouldn't be caught dead carrying this hot sauce around! Well, actually I did. And besides, I've carried much more embarrassing ones around. And funny enough, I'm usually more embarrassed when I carry around mild ones.

"Hey, whatchoo got there? Is it hot?"

Um... no...

When I opened this bottle, I quickly tried a sample straight from the bottle. It's very dark brown, and has a medium thickness to it. It has a heavy citrus flavor. Maybe a little lime, and a lot of orange. Odd thing to be tasting from a black sauce.

Throughout the day, I had this sauce poured all over: Cajun rice, ham sandwiches, and soup. None of it went well with the sauce. It was lacking so much in flavor, it was like it wasn't even there. And when you try a large amount at once, it contrasted with the food too much.

Not really a great sauce. I can't imagine what anyone would use this sauce for. (I should have read their suggestions: Fish, shrimp, and oysters.)

Oh yea, I forgot to mention the heat. Probably because they forgot to add any!! Bummer!

Bottoms Up!

Shot: Smells a little like taco sauce. The taste reminds me of one of my ingredients I use in my chili. Cumin? I have no idea. It completely escapes me, it's boggling. The citrus flavor does live up to the label’s name.

This sauce is made by some ranchers near Okeechobee, Florida. (I love saying that) Although Cracker Cowboy doesn’t make any other hot sauces, they do make a few salsas that sound mouth watering. And if cow whips and original oil paintings are up your alley, you’ve found the right place.

Tomorrow: D.L. Jardine Texapeppa

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 63: Melinda's Hot Sauce

2005-09-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

Two-fer. Actually ate 2 bottles today. The first one I finished at lunch, and forgot the bottle on the table! I was a little pissed, but since it was a gift and pretty weak, I shrugged it off. Driving home from work, I had to quickly change my supper plans, and decided to eat a pizza. Pizza is just the meal to knock off a whole 'nother bottle.

Full Name: "Melinda's Original Habanero Pepper Sauce - Hot Sauce"

A.K.A. The Mild Sauce

Anyone familiar with Melinda's will know that they have quite a spectrum of sauces on their heat scale. "Hot" is their weakest of the Original Habanero line, followed by "Extra Hot", "XXXtra Hot", "XXXXtra Reserve Hot".

To get a good start on wiping out the bottle so late in the day, I just poured most of the bottle over the finished pizza and let it soak there for a while. The first thing I noticed was that this one was much more of a muddy looking sauce than the other flavors by Melinda's.

The sweet flavor went well with the pizza. I already like veggie toppings on my pizza more than meat, so the taste blended well. I was really hard up though on the heat factor.
There was none.
As expected.
I ended up using the last of my Death Sprinkles to give the pizza some heat. Using extract flakes isn't as good as using a sauce, but it works in a pinch.

Bottoms Up!

A little runny, but for being a mild runny sauce, it didn't taste horrible straight. The number one ingredient on the list was Carrots, followed by Habaneros. And although as a kid I never imagined cooked carrots tasting any good, Melinda's has perfected using carrots as a sweetener. It went down ok.

Tomorrow: Cracker Cowboy

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 62: Mezzetta California Hot Sauce

2005-09-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Mezzetta Brand California Habanero Hot Sauce - Twist & Shout"

One good thing about visiting certain relatives out of state, is that their HyVee grocery store is the only one in the Midwest that I've been to that carries Mezzetta Hot Sauce. This is a surprisingly professional sauce coming from a large name brand that actually sits very well with my palate.

This sauce is dark red, and smells like a spicy taco sauce. Not wimpy like the "HOT" version of Ortega's Taco Sauce! Keep that crap away from me, it'd be ordering a glass of milk at Oktoberfest. Mezzetta has a real kick to it, enough to make you forget that it tasted like taco sauce for 1.2 seconds.

Being a Sunday, I had one of those embarrassingly large omelettes that could feed small villages on the African coast. It's the only way to tackle a 7.5 ounce bottle of hot sauce. It was a great combo. I highly recommend the sauce.

Mezzetta has been a family owned business since 1935. Pretty impressive in today's cutthroat shareholder world. And they've been busy! Not only doing their own cutthroat activity, (They own Kona Coast, Nappa Valley Bistro, Tulelake Brand) they also just make all kinds of crap.

They've got Golden Pepperocini, Roasted Bell Peppers, Garlic Stuffed Olives, and zzzzzZZZzzzz....
Anyway, they have a couple other sauces that might qualify as a hot sauce, but I doubt it. Certainly isn't in our grocery stores here in the Midwest. I guess I'll have to live with just this one awesome hot sauce.

Considering many companies don't know how to make even one decent hot sauce, I'll take it.

Besides, it gives me something to look forward to when I'm visiting these relatives...

Bottoms Up!

I used so much of this sauce today I hardly had any left to drink a shot. Then as I was shaking the shit out of the bottle, pretending a few more drops would make a difference, the cap fell in. So I shot the picture to commemorate the event. Tasting it straight just cements the tart, taco flavoring. Better on food!

Tomorrow: Melinda's Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 61: Karibbean Flavor Pepper Sauce

2005-09-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

Full Title: Karibbean Flavor Vintage West Indian Pepper Sauce"

I got this from my uncle & aunt from their vacation in the Caribbean. I thanked them kindly, but pretty much blew off the sauce as tourist trap crap. It had a limp yellow color, and I had just had a couple boring sauces in a row before that. This sat in the box in the basement for quite a few weeks. However, just like every one else in the world that eats a bottle of hot sauce every day, I eventually started to run out of choices, and decided to give it a try.

Boy was I surprised.

Hot as hell! I poured most of the bottle in my spaghetti, and it lit my mouth on fire! I was definitely sweating through the whole meal. We even had company over, and I had to play it cool. (Basically venting air in and out the side of my mouth)

This has the tell tale smell of almost pure scotch bonnet peppers. And if you've ever been man or woman enough to try this type of sauce, you know exactly what smell I'm talking about. My brain shuts down just smelling it. It cringes, and my throat tightens in a pre-heartburn reflex.

Yes, I loved this sauce a hell of a lot!

"Karibbean Flavours" is sold and exported by Ravi Sakar from RHS Marketing Ltd. Unfortunately their site is indefinitely "down" for upgrades, otherwise I could find out if they sell any other sauces. They're located in Trinidad. Lucky bastards

Bottoms Up!

Shot: Not as hot as I thought it would be from what I had experienced earlier during supper. However, no mistake, this stuff has fresh habanero flavor and heat to back it up. It's still burning a small hole in my stomach. Luckily my mouth isn't raging on fire or I'd have to eat my words.

Tomorrow: Mezzetta

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 60: Walkerswood Caribbean Savory

2005-09-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Walkerswood Zesty Caribbean One Stop Savoury Sauce"

Even though we often pop into grocery stores for a quick grab, I almost always try to sneak down the condiment aisle to peak at their hot sauce selection. Especially if it's a store I haven't been in before. And on this occasion, even though it was the same chain grocer as the one next to my house, and even though they always carry the exact same things, I took a peak anyway.

All the sauces looked tired and familiar, except there was something wrong with their Walkerswood bottles. It looked like their bright orange habanero sauces had sat there rotting for 10 years and turned brown. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a different flavor! Much like finding a new species in the middle of the jungle, I grabbed a specimen and brought it home for inspection.

From their web site:

"One Stop is a regular refrain heard on public bus transportation in Jamaica. It will get you off at your destination. Similarly this sauce has numerous places to go!"

I have no idea what they're talking about.

"It contains the authentic ingredients which make up the traditional Jerk, but this time they are blended with a medley of rich fruit flavours such as mangoes & tamarind."

Steve Martin was hilarious in The Jerk! That was a great movie. More exciting than what I'm reading.

"One Stop can be used as a table sauce with many egg dishes such as macaroni and cheese or omelets. It is a natural accompaniment to grilled meats such as hamburgers, sausages, steak or chops. Use while cooking as it will perk up almost any savory dish. Though flavourful it is not considered hot."

Sort of true. The sauce was sweet enough, and tasted ok, that it would probably go with a lot of foods. But it was way too mildly flavored. It was very hard to pick up in some foods at all - and I used the whole bottle!!

Their last sentence sums up another thought going through my mind. This just falls short of what a person usually looks for in a hot sauce. I'm looking to alter my food and eating experience. Whether it's through a divine purification through heat, or through a moaning climax of flavor, something had better happen, or you're going to collect dust on the shelf. I personally get pissed off when my 64 ounce jug of ketchup runs out at home. I couldn't care less about this one. Except that now that I ate it, I get to have a new hot sauce tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Karibbean Flavor Pepper Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Walkerswood

Day 59: Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire

2005-09-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Old Grand Paw's Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire"
Where do all the crappy hot sauces go that never sell? They eventually reach the dead lands of T.J Max's, hidden between the knick-knacks and plastic plants. And if they don't sell there, they go to their ghetto store, Marshall's. It was there that I saw this too-large, obnoxious hot sauce bottle sitting next to a 50 cent bottle of shampoo.

Much like the shampoo, I don't think this red tap water was made for consumption. If it had simply one exfoliate type ingredient in it, I probably would have washed my hair with it. But it sat on my shelf for months until one day I was in a hot sauce crisis, and much like a "Break Glass In Emergency", I poured it on my bland food.

That was about 6 months ago. I thought I had seen the last of it. But no, the unlucky penny has returned.

A friend of mine at work swung by my office, walked in, and announced he got me a bitchin' gift from his vacation in Michigan.

"I got you a hot sauce, dude!"

Sweet. I always enjoy getting exotic sauces from far flung lands. Sauces you've never heard of. Sauces from countries you've never heard of. Sauces that would never pass even the minimum FDA requirements.

Then he whips out the big bottle of red tap water. Cajun Swampfire. Thanks for nothing, dude.

So this bottle sits on my desk for weeks. Every once in a while I lie to him and say it's too beautiful of a hot sauce to actually open and eat. Then one day it happens... our cafeteria announces they're serving gumbo. Now I love me some gumbo. And it sure beats the hell out of my bologna pickle sandwich I brought in from home. If there was ever a time I could eat a full 14 ounces bottle of hot sauce, it would be now.

I had to pour the stuff on. My gumbo was floating in a moat of red tap water. I didn't eat with a fork, I ate with a spoon. I had a lot of sauce to get through, so this was work.

Eventually I got through most of it, brought it home for supper, and used up the rest. Needless to say from my references to red tap water, this hot sauce was a pretty weak red vinegar sauce. Without even the decency to have way too much vinegar! Blasphemy. Just really wimpy, light red sauce.

Bottoms Up!

Actually went down without any grimacing. It's just really weak in food.

These guys have a web site printed on their back label that doesn't exist, nor has ever existed. Probably would ruin their hillbilly theme though. Imagine: "Just email billybob@theOutHouse.com"

Believe it or not, they also make a green swampy looking sauce too. Can't wait for my friend to go on vacation next year and get me the sequel.

My friend went on vacation, and all I got was this lousy hot sauce"

Tomorrow: Walkerswood Caribbean Savory

Topics: Hot Sauce, Cajun

Day 58: Pain Is Good - Jamaican

2005-09-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

Full Title: Pain Is Good - Jamaican Style Batch #114 Hot Sauce"

This is the last of the three "Pain Is Good" series, nicknamed "Buckwheat". Although I'm still a big fan of their labels and packaging, I didn't even like this last one very well either. It reminded me of a badly done Ketchup & Barbeque mix. The problem is that it was too heavy on the tomato paste. The first ingredient is Habanero peppers, so I can only assume the found the weakest Habs they could find (It's a mild sauce). The 2nd ingredient is tomato paste. Come on, this is suppose to be a hot sauce. Jamaican hot sauce. Since when did they make ketchup down there?

"In the jungles of Jamaica, far from the soft, white beaches and luxury resorts, there's a small shack with a small garden. In the garden, Scotch Bonnet and Habanero peppers are grown."

And tomato plants! Don't forget rows and rows and rows of the red tomatoes. I can't even write out the rest of that blurb, it's too fucking corny, and starts to talk about voodoo and shit. Not to mention beneath it, in bold letters, it says: "MADE IN USA"

D'oh!

Bottoms Up!

Not recommended. Tart, runnier than I thought, and kind of like using a straw in a Heinz bottle.

This sauce does NOT belong on bread. Just the other night I was listening to an online radio station, and the DJ was rambling on about how he loved toast. I mean this freak was talking about the model of this toaster, and the accessories involved! Anyway, he then got into all the things he liked to put on to toast. He made love to some chocolate concoction description, and then started swearing about how ketchup was the antichrist to toast. My ears perked up. I completely agreed! I love eggs. I love ketchup on my eggs. Sometimes I like egg sandwiches. But ketchup does not work on egg sandwiches at all.

Same thing happened when I made my egg sandwich this morning. This sauce sucked on it. Too much like ketchup.

Tomorrow: Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire

Topics: Hot Sauce, Jamaica, Pain

Day 57: Frontera Red Pepper Sauce

2005-09-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

"Authentic to west coast, Mexico"

Well they can keep it!

Frontera has had several changes in their sauces and labels in the last few years. They've changed a sauce here or there. They've changed their label design twice. And changed the name of a flavor or two to something different. No body in the world cares, but I did notice.

"Arbol chiles are Mexico's favorite for hot sauce, because they have an alluring red chile heat that wrestles with a hint of smokiness."

Yes, it was like slapping my jock strap back on and wrestling with the other 8th graders at school all over again. Actually, the only thing I wrestled with was putting this sludge in my mouth. First, before I even opened it, you could see what looked like oil globules floating all over the sauce. Then, when I poured it out, it had a very gritty consistency.

It actually tasted better than the mud pie that it looked like, although I wouldn't say it tasted great. The first ingredient is water, followed by vinegar, pumpkin seeds, and then the Arbol peppers. It's flavor was pretty subdued. I guess it reminded me a little of pumpkin & allspice, with a hint of peppers.

Bottoms Up!

Believe you me, I did not really want to drink this straight. You can see the oily spots in there. Go on, click on the picture and get a good look at the zoom in. Go ahead, it won't kill you. I ate it after all, and I'm still alive.

However, it wasn't as bad as it looked after all. No retching, no squirming. I guess it was all in the mind. I guess I'd admit that there must be a few people out there that would really dig this sauce. Whatever its classification might be.

Frontera is busy making other things too. Their hip labels are on Chips, Salsas, Guac Mix, Pizza, Rubs, & BBQ's. I won't even go into why Rick Bayless is plastered all over their site. Super stars of culinary.

More sauces by Frontera:

Frontera - Chipotle Hot Sauce
Frontera - Jalapeno Hot Sauce
Frontera - Habanero Hot Sauce
Frontera - Tomato Chipotle Cocktail & Ceviche Sauce
Frontera - Cilantro-Lime Cocktail & Ceviche Sauce

Tomorrow: Pain Is Good, Jamaican Style

Topics: Hot Sauce, Frontera

Day 56: D.L. Jardine's Texas Kicker

2005-09-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

Full name: "Special Edition D.L. Jardine's Texas Ranch Recipes - Texas Kicker Hot Sauce XX Hot"

This was one of 3 sauces I bought at a mall during Labor Day Weekend. The first sauce I had by D.L. Jardine was much hotter than I expected. This one, however, is a weak one. I knew this when I chose it. However, I didn't know that my coworkers would want to go to a Mexican restaurant for lunch.

Yep, a Mexican restaurant is the best place to tap into a hot hot hot sauce. But instead, I had this wimpy-ass sauce to eat.

I wiped out the whole bottle during lunch, leaving just a small sliver at the bottom to do a shot later that night. I then delved into their "basket o' hot sauces" they have for adventurous diners. Although I've had most of them before, they did have a new one this month that I was grateful to try out: "Pain Is Good Jalapeno Wasabi".

I've had the main 3 Pain is Good sauces before, but never the new line of "Divas" sauces. They're kind of weird flavors, and hard to tell if they count as real hot sauces. It turned out, at least with this sauce, that it tasted really good. So be certain that I'll be reviewing those 3 later on. (A Wasabi hot sauce at a Mexican restaurant? Pigs can fly!)

The lunch was good, we paid, we left. Two hours later, I slapped my forehead, remembering that I forgot my bottle there at the table. I sweated it out for 3 hours, and then drove over to the restaurant as quickly as I could. I walked in, and asked if I could look through their "Hot sauce baskets" to find my bottle. The host asked the name of the bottle, and I told him "J.L. Jardine". He disappeared for 3 minutes, and came back with my bottle!! I was relieved and surprised. All it would have taken was one table asking for that hot sauce basket, and one customer trying it out and finishing it off. Then they would have thrown the empty bottle away.

With great relief, I took the bottle and turned towards the exit. The host caught my attention by asking about the sauce. He had never heard of the brand. Never tasted it. He then asked if he could try it. I said sure! He held out his hand, and wanted me to shake some into his palm. I felt a little dirty doing this in the lobby of a restaurant, but in the interest of science, I did it. He licked his palm and did the little wine swirl with his tongue.

"What is that I'm tasting? I can't place it."

I said it was a "Habanero Carrot" type hot sauce. His eyes lit up and said, "Yes! That's what I'm tasting. Carrots. Interesting".

I know, I'm a genius. But I'm a total numbskull in social skills. This could have been my new best friend, but I just kind of left him there with his wet palm and walked out. It's not like I have business cards printed up that say "The Smoking Tongue" but I could have pointed this hot sauce aficionado to my site. Instead, I think of these things 5 minutes later as my car is barreling out of the parking lot.

Anyway, it was nice meeting you.

Bottoms Up!

Thanks to waiter-guy, I had sauce to drink tonight. Had a bottle to take a picture of! Whew. This is a typical habanero carrot genre, very mild, and rich flavors. If this was a wine, they'd say it had a full, excellent body. Not as hot and tasty as D.L. Jardine's Blazin' Saddle, though. Just a mild introduction to a tasty orange-colored sauce.

Tomorrow: Frontera Red Pepper Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Texas

Day 55: Pure Jalapeno Gourmet Sauce

2005-09-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome to jalapeno heaven.

I first had this sauce a couple years ago and just about fell out of my seat when I first smelled it. Delicious.

Then I had my first bite and could barely bring myself to swallow it. It tasted too good.

Aptly named "Pure Jalapeno", the ingredient list lives up to it's name: Jalapeno Pepper, Salt & Vinegar. I don't know if they followed the rules, but usually you list the ingredients in order of quantity used. That means vinegar came AFTER salt!

Either way, this stuff tastes like the pure essence of jalapeno peppers. I'm a huge fan of jalapenos, so this is favorite with me. I know that most jalapeno hot sauces are associated with being weak, mild, and cop-outs. Believe me, I've ripped on a few of them myself. But this one tastes so good, that the heat is a secondary concern.

The only way to get closer to jalapeno flavor is to have a friend shove one down your throat.

I can't believe the assholes from Southwest Specialty Food are the creators (or owners) of this sauce. Some of my venom for them is because of their crappy sauce called AssKickin', which is totally un-AssKickin'. (Why do the crappiest sauces have the biggest advertising budgets?) And how lucky are we that they're expanding their AssCrappin' line! But most of my venom is for their extremely annoying web site. And now they have a huge PIG pop up and cover the site like an annoying pop-up ad. Fucking hell.

I specifically waited until the weekend to eat this sauce, just to make sure I had a chance to take a picture of this sauce on some food. Just look at that green sauce smothering the food. A picture doesn't do it justice though, I can't emphasize how good the sauce tastes.

Bottoms Up!

It was extremely hard for me to set aside this much hot sauce to drink. I wanted to put more and more and more on my food. It tasted fine, but it begged to be mixed with some food.

My only complaint about this sauce is that I have only one local place to buy it from, and it's at a premium cost of $10. Ouch. Not only that, but it's only a 4 ounce bottle.

There are TWO more sauces of this line, and I can't wait to have them again. At $10 a pop, I decided to wait a while before buying them. They are called, "Pure Cayenne" and "Pure Habanero". And yes, they're just as good, but this Jalapeno sauce is special because of how rare good green sauces are.

Tomorrow: D.L. Jardine's Texas Kicker

Topics: Hot Sauce, Jalapeno

Day 54: Jamaica Hell Fire 4 In 1

2005-09-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Jamaica Hell Fire Hot Pepper Concentrate - 4 in 1 - Triple Red Hot"

This is the much, much, much wimpier version of Doc's Hellfire I had earlier. Actually, this guy could probably stand on it's own, but having a brother that's SO much hotter puts him in a dark shadow.

Dark bright red in color, this sauce smells like it packs a punch. It's chunky and thick as it runs out. However, it's flavor is kind of empty. It's like it's all full of vegetable pulp, but no flavor. I don't know how in the world they accomplished that, but that's what happened. They would do awesome if they wanted to corner the high school lunch foods of America.

By the way, the people that "might" make this sauce at Mrs. Dogs never bothered to email me back. I emailed them a few weeks ago with questions about their killer Doc's Special Hell Fire. Either they don't give a crap about their customers, or their web site is a dead end, or maybe they've packed up and moved yet again. Maybe I used words that were too big, and they didn't understand me. Maybe they're swamped in Florida from the Hurricanes.

Here's what breakfast looks like at The Smoking Table's house:

Potatoes (and in this case, hash browns) suck in hot sauces like a sponge. So, as I ate breakfast, I didn't have any complaints while eating this hot sauce. The hash browns soaked it in, and I was none the wiser. But when I ate supper, and could taste the sauce on top of the grilled chicken, I definitely got to taste it in all it's crappy glory.

Bottoms Up!

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. There was very little flavor, and what was there was very revolting. Plus, the texture was terrible. I'm still picking seeds out of my teeth. This sauce is dead to me. Never call me again and ask to borrow money.

Tomorrow: Pure Jalapeno Gourmet Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Hell Fire

Day 53: D.L. Jardine's Blazin' Saddle

2005-09-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Special Edition D.L. Jardine’s Texas Ranch Recipes Blazin' Saddle Habanero Pepper Sauce XXX Hot"

While stuck in the middle of Labor Day weekend, I was stuck at a mall for three hours. There was a Kitchen Supply store there, and it was my only chance of finding a new hot sauce. I hit pay dirt, finding a whole rack of different hot sauces. However, I quickly realized that I am now at the point where I need to lug around a list of all the hot sauces I’ve tried.

It’s not that I can’t remember if I’ve drank Tabasco yet, it’s just that on some brands I can’t remember for sure which flavors I’ve had. I also have an internal “Have I had this sauce ever in my life” list, and a “Tour de Hot Sauce” list. In this particular case, I knew I’ve had a Slap My Ass And Call Me Sally, but I don’t remember if I had that particular flavor.

So I had to leave behind half the stash there, but was able to take home 3 different D.L Jardine’s Hot Sauces. I’ve heard of this brand before, because long ago I tried their weak red vinegar sauce, “Texas Champagne”.

Luckily, these other sauces seemed much higher in quality. The consistency was thick, the smell was strong, and the flavor was much better.

Wow, that was toasty. The heat burned the back of my throat before I could say One-Mississippi. It lasted a good 2 minutes. Not only that, but my tongue and teeth had to traverse some habanero seeds. They are mighty hot.

I liked the flavor of the shot very much. The habanero is not only #1 on the ingredient list, it's also #1 on the flavor for this sauce.

To be honest, I had my doubts when lunch rolled around. I had the perfect hot sauce food for lunch that day. Coworkers declared that we were going to a Chicken Wing Joint instead. Never to turn down their famous Nuclear sauce on the wings there, I was curious what I was going to do with the bottle. It certainly didn’t belong on the chicken wing itself.

Luckily, their side order of French fries came with so much cheese, you had to eat it with a fork. This sauce went perfect with it, and believe it or not, I was actually sweating more from this sauce than the Nuclear wing sauce I eventually delved in to.

Now that’s what I call a picture! It’s so good, you have to beat your livestock away from it. I’d love to see a Super Bowl commercial based on more action like this. (Pictured borrowed from their web site) Thems Texans, I tell ya.

Tomorrow: Jamaica Hell Fire 4 In 1

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 52: Sylvia's Kicking Hot

2005-09-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

Proving yet against that if you put your face on your hot sauce label, it sucks ass.

At least this sauce has the piqauncy of vinegar that even Texas Pete didn't have. In other words, this is just as normally bad as all the other vinegar sauces out there, and Texas Pete's was worse.

Sylvia's Restaurant is located in Harlem, New York. It looks like they also sell bath & beauty products. Like one. Amway meets relabeling I guess. The pictures of her products on her web site are also fake, as you can tell the labels are copy-pasted on each product. Actually, I'm sure that they probably just wanted to put condiments on their tables just like Ditka's Restaurant. What I want to know is how the hell this sauce got carried all the way to my local grocery store in the Midwest!

The saddest thing is that I'm still typing about this product. I need to pull the plug!

Bottoms Up!

Still mentally queasy every time I get ready to drink a shot of hot sauce. Luckily this was just a normal shot of vinegar. Probably came from the same mysterious plant that made the other 10 red vinegar sauces I've had. ZZZZzzzz.

I guess there’s more. The Triple Strength is suppose to be 3 times as hot. Three times zero is still zero, but might be worth picking up if I ever see it. (And I won’t)

Sylvia’s Original Sauce (Mild & Tangy)
Sylvia’s Original Sauce (Hot & Sassy)
Sylvia’s Triple Strength Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: D.L Jardine’s Blazin’ Saddle

Topics: Hot Sauce, Sylvia

Day 51: Texas Pete's

2005-09-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

Texas Pete is owned by T.W. Garner Food Company. On their site you can find a few other items by them, such a BBQ sauce, mustard, Worchester sauce, chili, jellies, and lots of gear.

You can also pick this stuff up in individual ketchup packet size, 1.9 ounces, 3 ounces, 6 ounces, 12 ounces, ½ gallon, and gallon size.

The only other “hot” sauce they make is Texas Pete Green Pepper Sauce, which is nothing more than a bottle of little green chiles soaking in vinegar. Yuck. I won’t be getting any of that any time soon. I’d probably have to eat the peppers to qualify it as quaffed.

After throwing up on Blair’s After Death Sauce, it was a relief to go with a weak red vinegar sauce. However, I this sauce is especially weak, and wasn’t very good.

Yes, I’m crazy. Drinking a shot only 15 hours after throwing up the last one… I’m just glad my stomach has settled since then.

This sauce tasted a little sour to me. I'm not impressed. Anyone who claims this as their 'favorite' is in love with the little red cowboy on the logo, or just extremely lazy. Maybe they like weak hot sauces, in which case may I suggest a raw tomato shoved down your throat?

Tomorrow: One more weak one.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Texas

Tour de Hot Sauce: 50 Days

2005-09-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

50 Days, 50 Hot Sauces.

Lining all 50 sauces up really puts things into perspective. I think if anyone looked at these on Day One and said, "Eat em up", it would seem impossible. Luckily I get to just take it one day at a time.

I've done the math, and the total volume comes to 276.1 fluid ounces.
That's 2.15 Gallons (8.16 Liters)

It's been a blast eating a different bottle of hot sauce every day. Just the variety alone has been worth it. There's a small amount of shock value involved, too. I've enjoyed some of the reactions I get from some people. However, any real hot sauce fan out there knows that this is nothing all that special. There are a lot of people out there like me. All of them are doing this on a smaller scale already.

I would say the most difficult part has not been the heat, or the quantity, but just the constant diligence involved in finishing a bottle EVERY day. Wherever I go, whatever I eat, I am carrying a hot sauce bottle and working it into the meal somehow. It's true that I usually did this before anyway. However, if I accidentally forgot a sauce when eating out, I would just curse and then pout while eating a bland meal. Now I drive back to work if I forgot the bottle there. There's no breaks. It's amazing how quickly "tomorrow" gets here when I finish a bottle. I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill forever and ever.

I've also started to lose my tolerance to heat. Some of these sauces just aren't that hot, and I'm used to eating hotter things. Usually I still try to add extract sauces in many of my meals, even though I don't mention that every day.

Lastly, I've turned into quite the apocalyptic scavenger. I'm constantly rooting around town, gathering hot sauces to cover the next few days. It's amazing how quickly you can get through a stash when eating one a day. Luckily, I'm in hog heaven right now with about 30 sauces in the queue.

I'm really looking forward to the next 50!

Topics: Hot Sauce, Tour

Day 50: Gourmet Table Hot Sauce

2005-09-07T05:27:00.000-07:00

Well, hopefully it's no surprise that I take it down a few hundred notches and go with the wimpiest red vinegar sauce I can find.

The flavor of this sauce is just like every other red vinegar sauce out there. Possibly even made by the same few companies. But I welcome it today. My stomach and throat are still a little sore today, so no sharp objects.

Gourmet Table is one of the brands owned by PFG, Performance Food Groups. They carry a wide variety of crap from other brands I haven't heard of: Pocahontas, Raffinato, Brilliance, Village Gardens, West Creek, and Heritage Farms Bakery.

The logo for Gourmet Table is about as boring as it gets, and is also sported on Gourmet Ketchup, Gourmet Mustard, and Gourmet Steak Sauce. The cool thing about this hot sauce bottle is that it cost 90 cents! You can't beat that with a stick. I found it over Labor Day Weekend when I was out of town and at a friend's favorite corner market butcher shop. A nice find in today's expensive sauces.

As you can see, this bottle is a little taller, and has a thin neck. That usually means it's 6 ounces instead of 5, and let me tell you, that extra ounce is a killer. I poured this stuff liberally into my soup at work. Into baked beans. Sank pizza into this sauce, and then still had some left. Thankfully this was weak sauce.

I know! I know I'm asking for it after last night's fiasco, but what's the harm in taking a shot of weak hot sauce? Like a drunk falling off the wagon, I'm back on the sauce.

No ill effects. Whew.

Tomorrow: How about another round of being a wimp.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Gourmet

Day 49: Blair's After Death Sauce

2005-09-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago, I had this sauce for the first time. I thought it was going to be a lot hotter than it was, because I was trying out all the Blair Hot Sauces in order. However, I had this one out of order, and was eating it after eating Sudden Death. Turns out Sudden Death is a lot hotter, and this one is just below it.

So this time around, I didn’t think it would be as hot as it was. Well! I guess eating a whole bottle in one day changes your perspective on heat levels quite quickly. Turns out this bad boy has extract in it, and is rated at almost 50,000 scoville units. HOLY SHIT. I suffered through some extremely hot eggs for breakfast. Then for lunch I suffered through an excruciating meal of 2 hot dogs. For supper, we ate out at a new restaurant and I had a chicken sandwich and fries. Wowzers!

I probably went through about 10 napkins for each meal. Blowing my nose, wiping my forehead, wiping the sauce that drooled down my face. (Once you get hot sauce on a napkin, it's no longer safe for blowing your nose!)

The flavor of this sauce isn't very noticeable. It seems to have a pretty bland tomato paste, but I the heat comes so quickly, I had no real way of telling what it tastes like.

I wish I had at least one meal where I was eating alone. This way I could eat slowly, use more sauce, and get through the bottle quicker. However, in public, I had to maintain a decent speed, and try not to look too much like a dork blowing my nose between each bite.

Because of this, when supper was over, I still had about a shot of hot sauce left at the bottom of the bottle.

When I got home that night on Labor Day, I had to go into work and get a few important things done for Tuesday. Just one of those rare times that I had to get caught up on important work. I was there until the wee hours of the morning, and made it back home at 3 a.m.

I was tempted to slide into bed and enjoy my 2 hours sleep before I had to get ready for work, but I still had some After Death hot sauce to finish.

So, I filled the shot glass, cleaned the bottle, and brought them to the computer room. I took pictures of all the empty hot sauce bottles I finished during the Labor Day weekend, and uploaded them to the computer. Then I drank the shot and got ready for bed.

Now, unlike the other extremely hot sauces I've had during the Tour de Hot Sauce, the heat burned the back of my throat immediately. There was no 2 minute delay. No 1 minute delay. It came instantly. After a few seconds, I realized I was holding my breath and started to breath again. I went to the kitchen to clean out my shot glass, wishing I could drink some milk. (I never drink milk to dull the pain, otherwise how would I truly know the intricacies of each hot sauce?)

After that, my stomach started to burn. I knew where this was heading, so I went to the bathroom to take a dump. However, after I was done, my stomach still hurt. I knew eating hot sauce on an empty stomach was a bad idea, but I didn't think it would be so bad.

So back to the kitchen I went. Screw protocol, I drank a bunch of water, and grabbed a bag of pretzels, hoping to reverse the "empty stomach" problem. But after a few pretzels, I couldn't eat any more.

I grabbed the largest Tupperware bowl I had to use as a puke bucket and went to bed. That lasted exactly 1 minute. I thought I heard my stomach expanding, but it was just the hard drive in the Tivo running. It felt like I was going to have a baby. I kept having contractions every 30 seconds. Then for 30 seconds, I'd feel better. Then the pain came back as if my stomach was going to expand and explode.

I kept trying to drink more water. And my stomach kept trying to explode. After about 30 minutes, I started to moan, and began to worry about having to go to the hospital. Imagine explaining that one.

No...I wasn't trying to kill myself."

My mouth started watering, a tell-tale sign oft learned at college that one is about to throw up. The pain was getting so bad, I refused to wait and see if I would throw up. Sticking two fingers down my throat, I made myself throw up. A gushing stream of spicy water came up and went into the sink. I did it again... more spicy water.

I drank some water, in the vain attempt to maybe dilute the pain in my stomach. I threw up spicy water 3 more times. It's true that hot sauce can burn on the way back up, but believe me, the burning pain in my mouth paled in comparison to the pain I was still feeling in my stomach.

The 6th time I threw up, I hit pay dirt. Dark red salsa-like stuff flew out my mouth, and into the sink. It was much thicker than the spicy water I had been throwing up earlier. Unfortunately, my head was tilted down while doing this, so some of it came out of my nose. That burned. Immediately my stomach felt a little better, only to be replaced by the quickest mounting pain in the back of my mouth, throat, and nose. Mixed with the stomach acid, my mouth was on FIRE!

Scrambling around like a drowned rat, I scurried to the freezer and grabbed a box of ice cream. I went to grab a spoon out of a drawer so violently, it came off the rollers and spilled all the silverware across the kitchen floor. I grabbed a spoon off the floor and ripped open the lid to the ice cream. I took a bit bite, but it was hard as a rock. I quickly filled a glass with water and started scooping ice cream into the water to make them melt a bit.

For the next 10 minutes I alternated between eating a chunk of hard ice cream, to gulping down make-shift vanilla shakes made of half melted ice cream and tap water. I barely kept ahead, fanning the flames mounting in the back of my throat. It was a scary 10 minutes. I'm just glad I have a girlfriend that likes ice cream. Otherwise, I probably would have resorted to eating ketchup straight out of the bottle, and drinking olive juice out of the jar. I was desperate.

After the fires cooled down, I put a little ice cream in a paper towel and started to wipe my face. The skin was warm and tingly. I assume some of the spicy puke water had splashed up from the sink, and into my face . After the ice cream bath, I cleaned up the mess and got my two hours of sleep.

Never again will I eat a hot sauce extract on an empty stomach.

Tomorrow: I'm going to see if Pepto-Bismol makes a hot sauce.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Pain, Puke, Blair's

Day 48: Pain Is Good - Garlic

2005-09-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Pain Is Good - Garlic Style - Batch #37 Hot Sauce"

Cool label! Cool screaming guy! Cool flask!

A high quality sauce oozing thick chunks and quality ingredients. Some of the chunks reminded me of soaking sesame seeds, but those were probably the minced garlic that's listed on the ingredient list. I'm sure there's dainty tongue out there that loves this sauce, but I didn't really care for it that much. I've had quite a few garlic hot sauces in the past, and the ones that really try to bring out the garlic miss the boat for me. The flavors always come out muted, the habanero flavor isn't there, and for sure the heat isn't there. For a bottle that sports a screaming guy titled, "Pain is Good", it's a bit like a dead Chihuahua tied up to the "BEWARE KILLER DOG" sign.

I finished this bottle in one meal at Perkins. I had a slab of hash browns topped with an omelet. The sauce was acceptable mashed into the hash browns, but didn't add much joy to the eggs.

I think I figured out what the guy is screaming about on the label. He's screaming: "WHERE’S THE HEAT?"

Tomorrow: Blair's After Death Sauce.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Pain

Day 47: Walkerswood Scotch Bonnet

2005-09-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Walkerswood Hot Jamaican Scotch Bonnet Pepper Sauce"

Yes! I was foiled a couple weeks ago when I found out a nearby grocery store quit selling this sauce. By chance I was on the far side of town that I never visit and found the sauce for sale there.

I've never seen any other products by Walkerswood for sale (although I don't look very hard for non-hot sauces!), but it seems like they sell lots of marinades, curries, spices, and other cooking sauces.

The reason I was excited to find this sauce is because I've had it once before, and enjoyed it quite a bit. Unfortunately, I had a different experience this time.

When I opened the bottle, I found a large, thick ring of black sludge lining the top neck of the bottle. Nasty. After close inspection, it seemed like the rest of the sauce hadn't touched the sludge. Still looked bright-orange and healthy. I pretended I was changing the oil in my car, and cleaned it out with a napkin. Quite a few thoughts were going through my mind. Obviously the first knee-jerk reaction was to count your losses and toss the bottle out. However, I was looking forward to eating this sauce, not to mention a Labor Day Weekend eating schedule all planned out. After throwing a few Hail Mary's, and a promise from my friends that if I died, they'd put "DEATH BY HOT SAUCE" on my tomb stone, I dug in.

The sauce was a pale comparison to what I remembered. This time it was really thin, with distracting seeds and long strips of red mystery shards. However, if the seeds are in there to make the sauce hotter, I guess it can be excused. The heat level was just the way I remembered it: nice and hot.

I had this sauce on eggs in the morning. It didn't mix well. It went better on bread when I made a make shift tomato sandwich from fresh goodies from the Farmer's Market. For lunch we had a pot roast, and it mixed well inside the potatoes. See, if it was really tasty, you'd pour it ON stuff, not INTO stuff.

A hot but distinctly flavourful sauce. The Scotch Bonnet Pepper has become a staple in Jamaican cuisine.

Though dramatic in its heat, it has an unmistakable aroma and flavour.

Use sparingly in soups, stews and rice dishes."

Use sparingly! Somehow I don't think eating a whole bottle in one day is exactly what they had in mind.

I've never seen most of them before, but it looks like there's a few more sauces that Walkerswood Caribbean Foods makes:

Walkerswood Jonkanoo Hot Pepper Sauce
Walkerswood Firestick Hot Pepper Sauce
Walkerswood Zesty Caribbean One Stop Savoury Sauce

Tomorrow: Pain Is Good - Garlic

Topics: Hot Sauce, Walkerswood

Day 46: Crazy Jerry's Habanero Garlic

2005-09-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Crazy Jerry's Biker Trash D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. Habanero Garlic Hot Sauce"

Thanks to Labor Day weekend, I've been away! But never fear, I mapped out and planned ahead exactly which hot sauces I'd eat on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

I have to just come out and say that "Labor" day weekend was indeed laborious. I labored on the crapper all weekend long. Too much beer & hot sauce = hot air balloon! I should have cut my gas bill in half by puckering up and sitting on the gas cap making "Habanol" in lieu of Ethanol.

Friday started out great. A hot sauce I've never tried call Crazy Jerry' Biker Trash. I know I looked up that acronym 2 years ago, and I still forgot what it meant: DILLIGAF = "Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?" This guy fits right in over here!

I had the perfect brunch for this hot sauce: 2 slices of cold pizza. Half a bottle lighter, we were packed up and on the road. For supper we stopped at a Taco John's, and relived old memories. The tacos weren't very high quality, but I was able to finish this sauce up without any problem.

The sauce tasted good. I was surprised to see that due to the greenish color, flavor, and consistency, this was indeed an original. It had plenty of habanero flavor, but was quite muted with the garlic flavor. The heat was a long, dull roar, and probably wouldn’t burn anyone who likes hot sauces. I'd suggest sticking with Italian cuisines instead of Mexican foods for this one due to the garlic. Vinegar content was very low. Very similar to El Yucateco XXXtra hot, except not nearly as hot or flavorful. (And thus more edible!)

I drank this shot early in the morning so I could get a picture. No camera on the road - no action shots. While drinking this shot, I was surprised how runny this sauce was. Nothing terrible, it's just that it looks a lot thicker than it is. However, this made it easier to swallow, and it didn't burn much at all. There's specks of black floating in this sauce. I wonder what they were, but then I remembered, DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?

Other sauces by Crazy Jerry:

Crazy Jerry's Brain Damage Hot Sauce
Crazy Jerry's Mustard Gas Hot Sauce
Devil's Brew Garlic Hot Sauce
Orange Rush Mandarin Orange Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: Walkerswood Scotch Bonnet Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Biker

Day 45: Blair's Original Death Sauce

2005-09-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

"With Chipotle"

I don't remember this sauce tasting so good. Blair has certainly perfected this one, and I am now one of the converted.

I used the whole bottle during lunch. And what a weird lunch it was! Our cook at work made a killer Linguini for $4.50. First, lots of noodles, then almost two cups of steamed broccoli. Then a slab of lightly-breaded chicken. Then the alfredo sauce smothered the whole thing. Topped with sprinkles of mozzarella cheese, and a stick of garlic bread.

As I poured this hot sauce all over it, I had my doubts. Mostly because of the broccoli. A coworker that was sitting next to me thought I had gone absolutely crazy. First he asked how much the hot sauce bottle cost. I said about $8. He then asked if I thought the meal was worth $12.50. I jokingly told him I was doing it for science. (Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do). Then he complained about the smell. His dad was abusive, and as a young child at 2 or 3, his dad would put Tabasco all over his fingers so that he'd quit sucking on them. What a terrible idea – being so young, he had no idea where this magic pain was coming from. Just that his mouth was on fire!! Even after he broke the thumb sucking "problem", his dad continued to do it for fun. Sounds like someone needs to have a habanero enema! Anyway, to this day, the smell reminds him of those times.

Eventually he tried a few drops of the sauce with his own Italian meal, and had to agree, it was damn good.

And it was! I had broccoli just doused in this, and it tasted great! It only got better when tasting it with the chicken and noodles. This is a sauce that should come in a gallon size jug.

Eating this shot was actually a lip smacking affair. Even though this almost seemed like a tomato based hot sauce, it tasted really great. It’s no wonder so many people swear by this one. It didn’t have much heat, but come on, the guy has about 50 levels of heat. No complaints here.

I’d list all of Blair’s hot sauces, but the list is way too long. He has everything from a sweet sauce, all the way up to a pure 16 million scoville powder for sale.

Tomorrow: D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Blair’s

Day 44: Jamaica Hell Fire Doc's

2005-08-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

Full Title: "Jamaica Hell Fire - Doc's Special"

"Hottest Hellfire"
"It Comes In Colors"

Jamaica Hell Fire comes in 3 flavors, and I couldn't remember this morning if this was the hot one or not. HOLY SHIT, it sure was!

I stopped at a Culver's restaurant today for lunch, and the first french fry I dipped into this sauce stopped me dead in my tracks! It was so damn hot, it took 45 minutes to finish my meal! (I timed it) I went through 11 napkins and spilled one saucy fry on my pants during that time. I must have looked like a freak in there. Whole families had ordered, eaten, and left while I sat there eating one french fry every 30 seconds, and crying between each one.

So the fries were HOT, but eating the chicken sandwich was a little easier. Either my tongue was smoked out by then, or the mayo and bread helped a bit. But those fries.... never has a hot sauce name truly lived up to the description: Hell Fire.

Supper was tough, too. I had 40% of the bottle left, and put huge amounts on 2 hot dogs. The rest I poured into a bowl of Mac & Cheese, and let me tell you, I've never had Mac & Cheese taste so scary before. If a kid grabbed that bowl by accident, they would never eat Mac & Cheese ever again. That's if they ever got released out of the hospital.

This is definitely the most painful hot sauce I've had so far on the Tour de Hot Sauce. When I had CaJohn's Chocolate Hab sauce, the shot really killed me, but it mixed well into foods. This stuff, however, has the thickness, flavor, and consistency of El Yucateco's XXXtra Hot Sauce, but was even hotter. Most of the foods I ate had this sauce right on top, meaning direct contact with the tongue. However, even mixing it into Mac & cheese couldn't hide the heat at all. There was just no hiding from the pain. I was actually afraid I might fail during lunch after that first bite. Instead of a small 4 ounce bottle that El Yucateco comes in, I was looking at a hefty 5.15 ounce bottle.

After supper I waited at least a half hour for my mouth and stomach to cool down before I even thought about slamming this shot. When I finally did slam it down, I swallowed immediately, nothing hitting the tongue. It wasn't as hot as I expected, but then again, I didn't gargle it this time. I really feel like I dodged a bullet this time.

There's a lot of confusion out there about these Jamaica Hell Fire sauces. For instance, until today, I thought there were only two flavors. Turns out they only sell two of them in this town. The second sauce I have is called "4 in 1", and I guess the third one is called "2 in 1".

At MoHotta MoBetta web site, they list this sauce at 5,720 scoville units. And I'm here to vehemently state that there is no way in hell that is correct. I found a couple references on the internet stating that the stateside version of this sauce is weak, and the 'real' one has to be purchased in Jamaica. I have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, they have now released the 'real' version in the USA. That would make sense. Plus, I found references that Dr. Duphorn Johnston now makes these sauces in Tampa, Florida.

"It Comes In Colors" is a VERY odd saying on the label. However, I know I've seen this sauce come in a redder color in the past. Perhaps that was the 'weaker' version.

And lastly, by tracking the mailing address, I found out Mrs. Dog's Hot Sauces has the same address. Turns out they're selling this sauce (but only the Doc Special) as their own. They also list the sauce at only 5,720 scovilles. I've asked some questions, hopefully I'll find out some day.

You can't make this stuff up. Someone posted information and pictures of their surgery scars, and then for fun they mocked up an action doll with Doc's Hell Fire on the neck to represent his injury. How cool is that? I think maybe I can merge this idea with the infamous Lego Porn, and make action scenes from movies that require blood (hot sauce).

Tomorrow: Blair's Original Death Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Jamaica

Day 43: Hooters Hot Sauce

2005-08-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

It's hot. It's saucy. It's just the way you like it! And Hooters Hot Sauce tastes great on anything - even a spoon! If you want to prove that you're a discriminating host/hostess - every table setting should include a bottle of this, our finest. Or, you could take everybody to Hooters for dinner and accomplish the same thing."

Hahaha! That's funny.
It's not hot, and I don't know about you, but the idea of having this on my dining room table at home when guests come by probably would say something about me, but probably not what they were hinting at here! Discriminating Host - yea right! It'll look great right by my Girls-of-Hooters Calendar.

Also, I don't ever remember them having this hot sauce on their restaurant tables. It's always this Country Bob's All Purpose sauce (or something similar). Either they know it doesn't go good with anything, or it's too expensive to give out for free. Country Bob must be cheap.

This sauce doesn't taste all that good. It's a lot redder and a lot thicker than a normal red vinegar sauce. They have brown sugar as one of their ingredients, and it's either this, or the type of peppers they use that makes for a different flavor. I couldn't find anything that it would go good with. They don't list food coloring as an ingredient, but I'd be surprised if they didn't dye up the red.

For breakfast I ate the ham sandwich that I had brought in for lunch. The sauce actually reminded me a lot of yesterday's "Pain Is Good" sauce, except this was closer to a normal vinegar hot sauce.

For lunch I had just a few big dashes on my stuffed mushrooms. This left a lot left over for supper to use.

Since this sauce didn't taste good with anything, I decided to try the old Clam Chowder trick. Just look at that beautiful non-white color. Ironically, the one time I like the flavor of vinegar coming through, I find out this sauce just didn't have enough vinegar to give the desired effect. It didn't ruin it, but it was kind of boring. And even though the bagel sandwich here looks like it's overflowing with hot sauce, it was too dry. Just not enough sauce left over to make a difference. (Not that I think that would have made a big difference) All I succeeded in doing was making a mess of myself. I'm a shitty chef, but at least I'm not a shitty hot sauce maker like Hooters.

Believe it or not, this was the best way to taste the sauce. It actually had a smooth mellow aftertaste, and was a much better experience than when it clashed with the food. I had no complaints, it tasted just fine. I guess next time some fool of a friend gives this to you as a gift, just break out a straw, and start sipping!

Tomorrow: Jamaica Hell Fire - Doc's Special

Topics: Hot Sauce, Hooters

Day 42: Pain Is Good - Louisiana

2005-08-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Pain is Good - Louisiana Style - Batch #218 Hot Sauce"

I have a real soft spot for these sauces. I think the packaging is a stroke of genius. It seems to me that they spent a lot of money to get that "didn't spend much money" look. But it works! First, we have most obvious thing: The grimacing faces. The Larry, Curly, and Moe of pain. You can recognize them a mile away, and it embodies the exact feeling chileheads love (Or love seeing others do). It's also a head turner. People are used to seeing me walking around at work with a bottle of hot sauce, but I'll actually get into lengthy discussions when walking around with one of these.

Next, we have the flask shape of the bottle. Nothing comes closer to drinking booze at work, than drinking hot sauce from a booze-looking bottle.

Lastly, the label itself looks like it was cut from a paper sack to give it that rugged look, when in fact it’s probably one of the more sturdy labels I've seen. Even the heat shrink is engraved, and thick as champagne packaging.

The only downside is the cost of the sauces. $4.69 is what I paid locally for mine. Even though I'm getting 1.5 ounces more than normal, that's still expensive. Especially if I'm going to eat the whole thing in one day.

Today's sauce is the Louisiana Style. It's thick, has a heavy tomato base, tangy, and doesn't really taste like anything specific. Kind of like a failed V8 experiment. I also didn't make the same face as the guy on the label. It's not hot at all.

Since I screwed up at work on Sunday, I brought in bagels for everyone on Monday. I snagged one and called it my breakfast. I smeared some of their Jalapeno Salsa flavored cream cheese on it, and then poured some of this hot sauce on a plate, and dipped my bagel in it. Not very exciting.

For lunch I had brought in a ham & cheese sandwich which I dipped into this sauce. Not very exciting.

For supper I poured the last of the sauce on some spaghetti. A better match, but nothing worth repeating. Due to the cost of the sauce, lack of heat, lack of flavor, I can't really recommend this sauce. The label does kick ass though. (A little chewy, though.)

The first thing I noticed while pouring this shot was how thick the sauce was. Only a little runnier than spaghetti sauce. I was unable to drink it in one swallow, and had to settle for two. Drinking it straight is pretty horrible, and I felt like throwing up when I bit into a mystery chunk. Probably a tomato. It's too tangy, and doesn't remind me anything of my beloved Louisiana style hot sauces.

Original Juan Specialty Foods are the proud owners of Pain Is Good. They also have BBQ sauces, Con Quesos, Salsas, Pasta Sauces, Bloody Mary Mixes, Nuts, Trail Mix, and Spices under this label. Whew.

More Pain I can't wait to eat:

Pain Is Good - Jamaican Style Hot Sauce
Pain Is Good - Garlic Style Hot Sauce
Pain Is Good - Honey Cayenne Mustard Sauce
Pain Is Good - Jalapeno Harissa Sauce
Pain Is Good - Jalapeno Wasabi Sauce

Original Juan also has other brands, and is still acquiring new ones:

- Fiesta
- Bilardo Brothers
- Mama Capri
- Texas Longhorn
- Jose Goldstein
- Frontier Traders
- Cajun Bayou
- Dos Hombres
- Kansas City's Cowtown

And they're also responsible for these hot sauces:

The Source
Da' Bomb - Beyond Insanity
Da' Bomb - Ground Zero
Da' Bomb - Final Answer
Pain 85%
Pain 95%
Pain 100%
Raw Heat
99% Hot Sauce
Fire & Spice
Bite Me
XTreme Hot Sauce
Quest For Fire XXX Hot Sauce
Raw Heat Vintage 69

Tomorrow: Hooters Hot Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce

Day 41: Cajun Sunshine

2005-08-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Cajun Sunshine Hot Pepper Sauce (TryMe)"

"Spicy CAJUN Kick"

So here we have another TryMe brand sauce from Reily Foods. To be honest, I was so busy today, that I wasn't able to give this sauce much of a chance. I skipped breakfast so that I'd be hungry for lunch. Lunch was at a friend's house that was throwing a little party. I was just looking forward to having chips & cheese dip. Not much opportunity to use the sauce.

They did have a pulled pork type sandwich there. However, it was nothing like I've ever had. It was BBQ-y, and extremely runny. You know those little weenies you eat with toothpicks, floating in BBQ sauce? Kind of like that. When a sandwich is already runny, it's hard to add a runny hot sauce. I did anyway. However, besides a slight tangy taste that didn't help the flavor at all, I couldn't taste much of it.

When we left, I took home the rest of the cheese dip and basically had chips and cheese for supper before it hardened (I forgot to mention that I made it!) At least here, in the comfort of my own home, I was able to add hot sauce to the cheese dip and stir it up. However, the flavor of the cheese dip was much stronger than the hot sauce, so it was another non issue. I was so full, I had no room for real food to try it with.

It wasn't until the final shot of the night, that I could finally taste the sauce in all it's glory. And this has to be the lamest attempt I've ever seen in making a sauce "unique". What we have here is an average tasting Louisiana style vinegar sauce. Very similar to Original Louisiana. BUT!! they added floating red pepper flakes. Like the kind you find in shakers at a pizza joint. Tada! A new sauce.

Tomorrow life goes back to normal, and I'll be able to actually taste the sauces again on real food. I like it much better that way.

Tomorrow: Pain is Good.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Cajun

Day 40: Uncle Dougie's Hab Mustard

2005-08-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Full Name: "Uncle Dougie's Bada-Boom! Habanero Mustard Hot Sauce"

I actually thought I was being a pussy today by going with this sauce. In my left hand was a sauce called, "Holy Shit". And in the other a Muuuuustard, of all things. After seeing on the internet that the Holy Shit was indeed a Holy Hell extract, and nasty tasting to boot, I went with the mustard.

How pleasantly surprised I was to be sweating & sniffing after only a few bites. This sauce is HOT. Damn, it even gave me the hiccups, and I only get that when a raw pepper sneaks up on me. (It's hard not to choke to death when hiccupping and shoveling food in at the same time)

When I ate breakfast, there were seeds and chunks of habaneros everywhere. I enthusiastically used my forked bread to scrape up every drop on that plate. Even though this has a mustard base, it put other habanero-carrot sauces to shame.

Here's a Humungo Breakfast that counts as lunch too. I took the rest of a loaf of hot pizza bread I picked up at a special corner market. 5-egg omelet sliced 3 layers high. Then 3/4th the bottle of the Habanero Mustard Hot Sauce. I was misguided in thinking I would pick this up like a normal sandwich. After a few near accidents, I just laid into it with a fork.

This is how to eat a hot dog. Smother Habanero Mustard sauce on it so deep, that you can't see it. Lit my eyes up on every bite. I can't recommend this sauce enough. I don't even care if they relabeled this sauce from somewhere else, because everyone should be relabeling this stuff. Boring mustards are so 1990. I'd like to show up in the Grey Poupon Mustard in a limo, and shoot a flame thrower out the window. That would be a great commercial.

Pardon me... but do you have any Grey Pou.... *SWOOOOSH*

Tomorrow: Not sure yet, too many plans.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Mustard, Uncle Dougie's

Day 39: Spaghetti Western Habanero

2005-08-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Santa Fe Spaghetti Western Foods - Hell-Raising Habanero"

This sauce smells weird. There's something familiar about it, but after a couple seconds, I'm starting to really doubting my memory. Maybe it was a childhood memory I'm trying to suppress. Like the time my parents locked me in a closet all weekend and I crapped my pants-type-smell.

Water, Apple Juice, Lemon Juice, Soy Sauce, Sake, Sugar. Holy shit, that's an ingredient list? That sounds more like the sludge you find at the bottom of a forgotten Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge! Finally, the next 2 ingredients: Red Chile Powder & Habanero Powder. Jeez, they didn't even use any real peppers. Just powder. That's like making Kool Aid and selling it as wine!! (And I don't mean the crappy wine like Mad Dog, but the good shit that comes in a box!)

For lunch I ruined a perfect opportunity to spruce up a BBQ Cookout with a delicious hot sauce. Instead I am soaking this brown runny sludge up into my hot dog bun, and mixing it into my baked beans. The flavor is thankfully weak and subdued. It's not terrible, but it's not great either.

For supper, we ate at a Friday Fish Fry. I put some in my hash browns, and the rest into the tartar sauce & fish. It's sad how I'm trying to spread and mix this sauce through the food as thin as possible so as to not ruin the flavor of the food. It should be the other way around.

Well, I've sat here with this shot glass in front of me for long enough. Time to cowboy up. At least I used too much during supper, and only had enough left for 1/2 a shot glass. Well... here goes...

OH, what the fuck was that?! Imagine swallowing luke warm soy sauce mixed with bad apple juice. Damn, that was nasty.
I guess to be fair, people usually aren't chugging their recipe ingredients. This could technically fall under a soy sauce category. I suppose when the experts choose the best olive oils in the world, they aren't drinking them straight out of the bottle.

Serving Suggestions: Add a dash of excitement to any meal. Brighten up omelets and other egg dishes. A natural for stir-fry, barbeque or steamed veggies!! Also great added to almost any dip.

Yea, I just had a whole shot glass of excitement. No thanks. You guys are seriously deluded. Finding a rotten soy sauce packet at the bottom of a Happy Wok dumpster would taste better than this.

I'm unable to find anything on the internet about these guys. No one sells it, except a place getting rid of old stock 1/2 price (Hey! That's where I got it!) I guess the good news is that they aren't ruining any of the other food groups out there!

Tomorrow: Uncle Dougie's Mustardy

Topics: Hot Sauce, Spaghetti Western

Day 38: Ditka's Real Hot Sauce

2005-08-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

So the weekend is coming up, and you never know when I might find myself back in a Mexican Restaurant doing some chest thumping. I thought it would be a good idea to have the other Ditka sauce NOW, instead of being embarrassed by it at a restaurant.

What can I say about a vinegar sauce that I haven't already said before? It's quite vinegary. Not much heat. I wonder who made this for Ditka Foods? There is no way the "chefs" at Ditka's restaurant sat around talking about which red vinegar sauce recipe they would use, and then go through the trouble of making a sauce that tastes exactly like every other boring red vinegar sauce. Who makes this shit? Is there one huge ass refinery somewhere in America making all these sauces? Is it an alien conspiracy?

For lunch I had roasted chicken, mashed potatoes with green gravy, and corn. I poured some sauce on the corn, pretended it was salt. I poured a bunch of the sauce on the potatoes and mixed it in really good until it was light red. The chicken was much harder, since the sauce is runny. So I finished the corn first, so that I could pour some sauce straight into the empty bowl. Then I dunked each bite of chicken into the bowl of hot sauce to get a decent coating. In this way, I was able to finish 1/2 the bottle during lunch.

Supper was much better. I've had a can of Clam Chowder soup sitting in my cupboard for quite some time, just waiting for this moment. There is nothing better than mixing red vinegar sauce into Clam Chowder! The more the merrier. Make sure it's a disgustingly good shade of red.

Bottoms Up!
I brushed my teeth and crawled into bed last night at about 1 in the morning. Right before I drifted off to sleep, I remembered that I hadn't finished the bottle yet! I dragged myself back out of bed and headed for the kitchen. There's nothing quite so tart as a red vinegar sauce after brushing your teeth. And eating on an empty stomach in the middle of the night. To top it off, this shot glass didn't quite finish it off. There was still some left. With no food available, I had to fill the shot glass back up to half full and finish it off.

MMMMmm! Now that's what I call a midnight snack.

Tomorrow: Spaghetti Western

Topics: Hot Sauce, Ditka

Day 37: CaJohn's Chipotle Hot Sauce

2005-08-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

Holy BBQ, Batman!
I had to re-read the side of the bottle to make sure I hadn't bought a BBQ sauce. However, it did say Hot Sauce. That's really stretching it, though. I wouldn't be surprised if you could get more bang for your buck by ordering CaJohn's CaBoom Bayou-Q Chipotle 16 ounce bottle of BBQ sauce. They're probably the same thing. (And after tasting this bottle of hot sauce, I would actually HOPE they're the same thing--it's really good)

I am also certain that this sauce can also be found relabeled as CaJohn's Hot Spots - Ember hot sauce. It's been over a year ago since I had it, but something this unique you can remember for years.

So as much as I'd like to complain about this not being a hot sauce, I was just too busy enjoying it. I skipped breakfast, but for lunch I had a cold pasty. It was a real treat dunking this handheld food item into my BBQ sauce. Err..hot sauce.

This sauce is thick. Extremely thick. In fact, I ran into a problem trying to get any sauce out of the bottle. First, it had been refrigerated, so it was extra slow. Second, the small air pocket in the sauce was stuck deep down in the bottle. It could not crack the opening of the bottle's stem, and literally had to be shaken out vigorously to get the flow going.

Besides tasting just like BBQ sauce, it has a nice smoky flavor, and a decent chipotle kick. Kick as in flavor, not heat. I'm not a huge fan of certain chipotle sauces, but had NO problems enjoying the flavor of this one. This is highly recommended, and yes, probably would go better as a marinade, and slathered on for barbequing chicken.

As usual, I wished it was hotter.

	You are witnessing the patience a possum. It took a good five minutes holding the bottle in this position to get the last of the sauce out to fill up my shot glass. It clung to the sides like sap, and didn't want to let go.
	Extremely dark brown in color, this sauce almost looks black. Smells exactly like BBQ sauce. I'm starting to think maybe this shot would go better on some ribs...
	All gone, but you can still see how the thick sauce sticks to the side. swallowing this sauce was gave me a BBQ hangover. It's extremely tangy, and the heat lingered on my tongue for quite a few minutes. I take back my complaint that this was only a BBQ sauce in a small bottle. It's a very spicy BBQ sauce in a bottle.

I don't know how I was able to talk my girl friend into trying this sauce out, but she had the tiniest drop smeared on her finger and tasted it. She said she could feel the heat. ??. Mortals... I'll never fathom it.

Tomorrow: Ditka's Red Vinegar Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, CaJohn, Chipotle

Day 36: Vigo Calypso Heat

2005-08-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Vigo Flavorful Fire Calypso Heat Hot Sauce"

Antonino Alessi started his own importing business in 1947, creating the Vigo-Alessi company. They provide a wide variety of food items ranging from olives, spices, breads, etc, and specializing in Italian foods and Spanish foods. They also make 3 hot sauces.

"Although most hot sauces are celebrated for their fiery attributes, many are so hot that they conceal the flavor of the foods they are sprinkled on. Enthusiasts now realize that heat must be balanced with flavor. This is accomplished in all three of the Vigo Hot Sauces. The Calypso Heat Hot Sauce uses Habanero & Jalapeno Peppers and is tempered with the tropical tang of mango. Our hot sauces add an attention-grabbing level of heat, but at the same time, a bit of tropical flavor."

Nope, no you don't. I am always hearing hot sauce vendors bitch about heat, and then proclaim that "it's all about the flavor". Heat tempered with flavor. Heat balanced with flavor. We're the only ones.... Blah, blah, blah. That's great and everything, and variety makes the world go 'round. But don't tell me that you have an attention-grabbing level of heat, when in fact you forgot all about it. I rank it at about a drool-dripping snoring level of heat. If you want to make a sweet mango jelly, then call it a jelly. It's not much of a HOT sauce. And since when did jalapenos and habaneros not taste delicious?

While getting ready to take the final shot of the night, I couldn't help but see a bit of an artistic light show coming from the shot glass.

I used 3/4th of the bottle during lunch. Guess what I put it on? Mostaccioli & Meatballs. You'd think that a sweet hot sauce wouldn't go well in a dish like this. However, the sauce was such a non-issue it didn't change the flavor at all. Truly a ghost sauce.

Bottoms Up!

Sniffing this sauce will probably end up having your nose dunk into it. It smells great. To be honest, this sauce had all the markings of an organic vinegar sauce "genre", which is nasty. However, this had a pleasant smell of apple cider, mangos, or something too subtle to put my finger on. The flavor results in the same guessing game. Sweet & teasing. The vinegar in this sauce is not an issue, you can hardly tell it's there. Even though it tastes sweet and pleasant, it's too subdued. It's gone before it even started.

Two other sauces that Vigo makes:

Vigo Cinco De Mayo Hot Sauce
Vigo Tropical Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: CaJohn's Chipotle Sauce

Topics: Hot Sauce, Vigo

Day 35: Melinda's XXXtra Hot

2005-08-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Melinda's Original Habanero - XXXtra Hot - Hot Sauce"

It's been a long time since I've had this sauce, but I don't remember liking it. However, this is the one. This is the Melinda Hot Sauce that doesn't have to be afraid to call itself a hot sauce. It has just enough habaneros in it to declare its undeniable existence. It has that faint smell all quality sauces have: habaneros... lots of them.

That being said, depending on your heat tolerance and the type of food it's on, will depend on how hot this is for you. For lunch I put 1/2 the bottle on some hash browns. Could hardly tell it was there. For supper I put 1/4th on a plate and dipped my pasties into it. The heat lit up my mouth! How bizarre. Quite enjoyable!

Biggest complaint is that it was still runny. You can't put it on anything and have it stick. It runs off to the bottom of the plate. It's also lighter in color than I would have expected at this heat level. If only it had even more habs and a thicker stick to it, I bet a healthier orange or red would have been in order. However, I'd take my hat off and salute any of the normal Melinda carrot lovers that eat this sauce. It's gotta be hot for these mere mortals.

Bottoms Up!

Runnier that it looks. The habanero flavor does its very best to cover up the tart, tangy vinegar puckering your lips jump to. Unlike the heat I felt during supper, I didn't really feal much of a lingering heat here. Guess it was so runny, it slid down the gullet too quickly.

Could anyone in the world do a Pepsi taste test and figure out which Melinda sauce they were tasting? They're all the same! Oooh, this one is 0.001% hotter.

Tomorrow: Vigo Calypso Heat

Topics: Hot Sauce, Melinda's

Day 34: Uncle Dougie's Chipotle

2005-08-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

Full title: "Uncle Dougie's Bang! Zoom! Habanero Chipotle Hot Sauce"

I've been living in this city for 4 years, and I have my grocery stores memorized to the point of having a heart attack whenever they rearrange anything. So it's not a surprise that I watch their hot sauce shelves like a hawk, week after week, vainly hoping for a new sauce to arrive. It never happens. The only reason I justify peeking is because I'm in that aisle anyways to pick up mustard and ketchup.

Well, after 4 years of waiting, it looks like this particular store got a kick in the nuts and added quite a few all at once. I found 3 whimsically labeled sauces from "Uncle Dougie's". I guess it's from an outfit on the outskirts of Chicago in a town called Barrington. It doesn't look like they have their own website, so information on them is pretty sparse. It looks like they might also run "You Name It! Foods", which will relabel their crappy sauces with your own crappy label.

I must not have looked at this Chipotle very closely. I was expecting a runny, brown sauce. Instead, it surprised me with a chunky, relish type sauce. In fact, the consistency and flavor completely reminded my the Pyromania Hot Sauce, which I just had the day before. However, this sauce has a little more chipotle flavor, less sour relish taste, a little more runny, and a lot less heat. "Son of Pyromania".

Bottoms Up!

Not a terribly enjoyable sauce, but I've had worse. It was OK. These chunks looks similar to yesterday's Pyromania, except this time I didn't need to chew it up before swallowing (whew!)

Although I didn't detect any measurable heat while eating this sauce on food, I had a nice mellow burn for a couple minutes after drinking this shot.

Tomorrow: Melinda's XXXtra Hot.

Topics: Hot Sauce, Chipotle, Uncle Dougie's

Day 33: Pyromania Hot Sauce

2005-08-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

This sauce is made by Garden Row Foods, who are also responsible for Pure Cap and Endorphin Rush. Evil mothers, aren’t they?

”Wanna Play With Fire?”

I’ll admit, I couldn’t remember if this sauce was hot or not, so I brought a backup bottle of hot sauce with me when we went to the restaurant. I shouldn’t have worried. Even though the label on this sauce looks quite foreboding, it was really just a little pussy cat.

Thick as hell, this bottle needs some shaking to give up the goods. I had most of the bottle on some thick cut fries and a Cajun Chicken Sandwich. For supper, I put the rest of it on a slice of cold pizza. It’s thick, sticks to your food, and you can see practically every ingredient in monster chunk size versions.

This stuff kind of tastes like a hot relish gone sour & rotten. Not a very flattering description. The only thing that kept this sauce from being a puke fest was the heat. It was just hot enough to make it worth eating. I can only imagine how hot it might be to the Tabasco crowd.

Bottoms Up!

Now tell me what other sauce you can pile up like this? As you can see, this sauce is extremely thick & chunky. This is also the first shot of hot sauce I've done where I actually had to chew it before swallowing it! Ack!

However, the heat from this sauce gave an extremely pleasurable 3 minute burn.

Quite a wide, unrelated range of sauces put out by Garden Row Foods:

Brutal Bajan
Cafe Louisiana Hottr N' Hell
Endorphin Rush
Helen's Sweet & Hot
Hot N' Honey
Mongo Sauce
Tongues Of Fire
Pure Cap
Tres Hermanos

Tomorrow: Uncle Dougie's Habanero Chipotle

Topics: Hot Sauce, Pyromania