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The Smoking Tongue

November 09, 2005

Day 114: Torchbearer's Sauce #1

Full Name: "Torchbearer Sauces Super Fancy #1 Every Day Sauce"

I like to think that I'm up on everything going on in the hot sauce world. Someone screams in Europe from being tricked in eating Dave's Insanity, I'm there. Someone in California finding out what a raw habanero feels like, I'm there. Someone straining the next morning on the porcelain throne from eating too many Nuclear Wings, I'm...not there.

I also wasn't there when these new hot sauces by Torchbearer came out either. Maybe I was too busy eating hot sauces. Luckily, I was able to read all about it at the increasingly useful sites at
the Hot Zone and at H o l y S h i t A l r e a d y!

Usually when I eat a set of hot sauces, I like to eat them in reverse order of heat. By eating the hottest one, you instantly find out if they know what the hell HEAT is. You also won't bitch when you finally eat the mild one, because it was correctly labeled (and even Aunt Gene needs a hot sauce to call her own)

However, if you eat the hottest one, the flagship bottle, the bottle labeled with skulls and crossbones, words like ASS, HELL, DIE, and FIRE plastered everywhere, and it doesn't even light you up, then you can curse the whole set. Curse the creator! Curse his extended family, and the air they breath! Because there's nothing more disappointing than a set of hot sauces that range from a "1" to a whole god damn "2".

I have no concerns with Torchbearer's 7 hot sauces. These guys have backed up their claims of having the hottest natural hot sauce by receiving their official scoville ratings. Brilliant! With one sauce rated at 38,202 scoville units, you are given permanent bragging rites any time, any where. But they didn't stop there, they mated that bottle with Cerberus himself, and came out with a puppy at 67,582.

Yea. I'm trying #1 first.

Someone warned me that this sauce is so mild, it'll seem like baby food. Holy shit, I didn't know babies had it so good! I never got to eat any hot sauce as a kid. Damn it, mom!

While this sauce could probably cool down an ice cube in a blizzard, I'm not complaining. It didn't taste like tomato paste! I absolutely hate people reinventing tomato paste. Even though this sucker was made with tomato paste, they had enough orange, carrots, and who knows what to make this sauce a very unique, sweet flavor. I had half the bottle on an egg sandwich, and the last half in a tuna fish sandwich. Due to the cost, this "Every Day Sauce" would never replace my mustard or mayo, but the meals were good, different, and, yes, boring as shit.

We know a hoss who shook a little dab on his taters, lima beans, escargot and his peanut butter sandwich plus said it did a real good job as a hair tonic and put a nice shine on his shoes but that's just him though. Gol Darn That's Good. Made out of something and something else, especially."

Are they being weird just for the sake of being weird? Maybe. But there's something to be said about their labels. The artwork is cool, the font and words make you want to read them. Even though they don't say anything. Quirky, fun, cool. You can be cool too if you eat these sauces! That's what these labels are like.

Open Wide
The sauce is so thick, it has to come in a scoopable jar. A shot glass is unusable here, so I tried a big spoonful. I was able to take pictures of the sauce sticking to the spoon sideways, but this one came out the best.

The flavor is sweet and fruity, reminding me of oranges and pineapple juice.

If I was a millionaire, I could have this sauce every day. Then it would be an "Every Day Sauce". Since I'm not a millionaire, this was just my Wednesday Sauce.

The other sauces by Torchbearer:
Super Fancy #4 Tingly Sauce
Super Fancy #7 Sultry Sauce
Super Fancy #10 Sombrero Salsa
Super Fancy #11 Sugar Fire
Super Fancy #37 Tarnation Sauce
Super Fancy #42 Slaughter Sauce

Tomorrow: El Yucateco Chipotle



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