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The Smoking Tongue

November 02, 2005

Day 107: Best Chef Louisiana

Full Name: “Best Chef Louisiana Style Hot Sauce”

I've been racking my brains, trying to figure out where I found this sauce. It wasn't even that long ago. But the memory is gone, just like my wasted youth.

17 ounces. This was a doozy. It's more than 3 times the size of a normal bottle. Of course, now I find out they make a 6 ounce version. Oh well, when am I not up for a challenge?

For lunch, a large group of us went to the Olive Garden to fare thee well to a coworker that was moving on to greener pastures. I got there a little late so had to sit down by the obnoxious asshole. FUCK! The guy has two volumes: Loud, and I'm-on-a-roll. The guy thinks he's so funny, and when he gets rolling, and laughing at his own jokes, he gets louder and louder, and his face starts to turn red. From the thousands of repeated stories I've had to endure over the years, I know his family has heart risks. Sadly, I fantasize about the peace & quiet I'll get as he has a heart attack right in front of me someday. I will calmly finish my meal and think about dialing 911 the next day.

And if it doesn’t happen soon, I might have to induce a heart attack by shoving a bottle of my hottest sauce down his throat.

At work, he often bitches about how we "always talk about hot sauce". Sit somewhere else then, asshole! Not only that, but he's the one that brings it up every time.

"Do you have any taste buds left?"
"Can you even taste normal food anymore?"
"What kind of crap are you eating today?"
"I've got a brother that likes hot stuff, blah, blah, blah."


So today I get to sit by him. Great.
Today I brought in a HUGE 17 ounce bottle. Great.
I hide it in the middle of a desert menu that sits up in the middle of the table. I'm hoping to escape the inevitable, "Wow, that's a big bottle, ha, ha, ha."

Sadly, I get, "WHAT!? No hot sauce today? Can you even eat a meal without a hot sauce?" And he keeps going on. And on. To shut him up, I put down the menu so that he can see the hot sauce bottle. Of course now I get the Big Bottle speech, but it eventually ends. Did I mention he's loud? This isn’t a conversation between me and him. It’s a conversation with him and the rest of the restaurant.

Due to the size of the bottle, I use a lot of this sauce on my Chicken Parmigiana. This gets another hail of loud bullshit from him. My favorite is, "He's having some chicken on his hot sauce."

Sadly the meal wasn't that great, and I'm not even factoring in the company. It was slightly undercooked, absolutely swimming in hot sauce, and a small lunch portion to boot. Unfortunately, when lunch was done, I was only half way through the bottle. When supper time came, I didn't even use a plate. I went and got a big bowl, and threw the food in there. Then I showered the rest of the hot sauce in there and ate it all with a spoon.

Mighty Fine Eating"

The sauce is mostly likely a relabeled red vinegar sauce, with no exciting qualities to report on.

Bottoms Up!
With supper completely floating in hot sauce, I made sure to fill this shot glass to the top. I’ve got to get rid of it somewhere!


Another sauce by Best Chef:
Best Chef Habanero Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: Tamazula Salsa Picante Mexican Hot Sauce

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