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The Smoking Tongue

October 13, 2005

Day 87: Habanero Hot Sauce From Hell

"The World's Hottest Hot Sauce"

So the label says.
I was pouring this into my soup at lunch, when a coworker sitting next to me said, "You've never tasted that sauce before, and you're pouring in that much without testing it??"

I said, "Sure, of course. How hot could it be?"

I took a couple first sips, and started coughing up a storm. Everyone laughed.

Sure, it was hot. But mostly my sore throat and coughing started to seize up! It was funny though, and it makes everyone laugh to see me hurting. Even the guy that bought this sauce for me had to walk across the cafeteria and see for himself if he burned me. After a while I was back to normal and was able to finish the soup.

The first ingredient of this sauce is water, but the sauce is hot. It looks and smells JUST like a normal red vinegar sauce, but the sauce is hot! It's very salty, but the sauce is hot. It's not very tasty, but you guessed it, the sauce is hot.

On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some frozen pizza. I knew this sauce was hot as hell, so I needed a real food to usher it to my mouth. Let me just say...I ate the whole damn pizza, and barely could stand it!
It was work.
With hazard pay.
It was hot, hot, hot.

One of the things I noticed while eating this hot sauce, is how hard it is to eat a runny sauce on pizza. A thick sauce is easy, you can pour it on the top, and it clings in place. Runny sauce doesn't work that way. Well, unless you're just shaking a few drops on. But when you have to eat a lot of it, it's best to dunk your food in. That's why I use a container so often, as seen in the picture. The thin sauce will coat itself thinly and evenly over the food, and fall off. So you have to really dunk it. Like an evil witch. Thus, every square millimeter of each bite is completely covered in hot sauce. And when the sauce is HOT, then your tongue can not hide from its witchcraft.

Conclusion: Runny hot sauces seem hotter than thick hot sauces.

And by the way, don't be fooled by their link on the label.
BeyondHot.com just points to Southwest Specialty Food's Ass Kickin' site. (annoying music and all)

Tomorrow: Chef Han Red Sauce

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