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The Smoking Tongue

October 10, 2005

Day 82: El Yucateco Red

Full Name on Label: "El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero Red Hot Sauce"

Today won't be remembered by me as the day I finished El Yucateco's very hot, red sauce. I'll always remember it as the day I got so drunk at a local beer festival that I lit the circus tent on fire and ran around buck naked screaming "It burns, it burns!", chased by 4 police men spraying me with delicious pepper spray.

Ok, maybe not. 35 vendors, 75 beers. My brother-in-law and I barely made it to every vendor, and we came embarrassingly short of trying every beer. Since this isn't a blog about drinking a bottle of beer every day, I'll move on and talk about eating a bottle of hot sauce every day...

The festival started at noon, so I made a huge spread of beef tacos at 11. Everyone arrived right on time, and we dug into my masterpieces. My brother in law is in love with Hot Habaneros of Texas which I have quite a few leftover samples of. He also requested El Yucateco's XXXtra Hot, which I gladly obliged by opening a new bottle for. For myself, I brought out El Yucateco's RED sauce. Not quite as hot, but while he was pouring drops on his tacos, I was drowning mine in red.

This is only a 4 ounce bottle, but it was hot as hell. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I've been sick the last couple of days, and it's been hard enough breathing with one plugged nostril of snot. Now I have to navigate through a sweaty forehead, runny nose, and sickly snot. It was a napkin nightmare. I felt like a pro athlete that forgot to stretch before the game. I was crippled!

The sauce was only half empty when I left for the beer festival. It would take a very active supper to finish the rest of the sauce.

The first time I ever had this sauce was on Jambalaya made at work. It was Fate. The right sauce, at the right time, at the right meal. Absolutely perfect. Today's tacos should have been the Second Coming, but I was just too sick to enjoy it like I should have.

The smell is slightly harsh. The taste is only above average because if you look at the ingredients, water and tomatos are 2nd and 3rd on the list. The heat makes up (and covers) for this. My biggest complaint about this sauce (and the green sauce) is the food coloring that was added. Fakers!

Our wives picked us up after the beer festival, and wanted to go out to eat. Yea! I'm drunk! Sounds great!

When I got there I realized that I didn't have my hot sauce on me. Or in the car. I was basically fucked.

In a fit of strategy, I didn't touch my sandwich, and only ate the free French fries that come with the meal. My intention was to take the sandwich home in a doggy bag and finish it with the sauce when I got home. When we got home, we watched a horror movie and I fell (passed) asleep (out) on the couch. I woke up a little before midnight and suddenly remembered I had a half bottle of hot sauce to finish!

I wasn't hungry. In fact, I felt like the fucking Pillsbury Doughboy. But I unbuttoned my pants and took out that Ragin’ Cajun sandwich and ate the bad boy. Slathered in red hot sauce.

Eating a bottle of sauce every day is HARD work!

Tomorrow: Peppers Hot Sauce

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