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The Smoking Tongue

September 15, 2005

Day 59: Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire

Full Title: "Old Grand Paw's Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire"
Where do all the crappy hot sauces go that never sell? They eventually reach the dead lands of T.J Max's, hidden between the knick-knacks and plastic plants. And if they don't sell there, they go to their ghetto store, Marshall's. It was there that I saw this too-large, obnoxious hot sauce bottle sitting next to a 50 cent bottle of shampoo.

Much like the shampoo, I don't think this red tap water was made for consumption. If it had simply one exfoliate type ingredient in it, I probably would have washed my hair with it. But it sat on my shelf for months until one day I was in a hot sauce crisis, and much like a "Break Glass In Emergency", I poured it on my bland food.

That was about 6 months ago. I thought I had seen the last of it. But no, the unlucky penny has returned.

A friend of mine at work swung by my office, walked in, and announced he got me a bitchin' gift from his vacation in Michigan.

"I got you a hot sauce, dude!"

Sweet. I always enjoy getting exotic sauces from far flung lands. Sauces you've never heard of. Sauces from countries you've never heard of. Sauces that would never pass even the minimum FDA requirements.

Then he whips out the big bottle of red tap water. Cajun Swampfire. Thanks for nothing, dude.

So this bottle sits on my desk for weeks. Every once in a while I lie to him and say it's too beautiful of a hot sauce to actually open and eat. Then one day it happens... our cafeteria announces they're serving gumbo. Now I love me some gumbo. And it sure beats the hell out of my bologna pickle sandwich I brought in from home. If there was ever a time I could eat a full 14 ounces bottle of hot sauce, it would be now.

I had to pour the stuff on. My gumbo was floating in a moat of red tap water. I didn't eat with a fork, I ate with a spoon. I had a lot of sauce to get through, so this was work.

Eventually I got through most of it, brought it home for supper, and used up the rest. Needless to say from my references to red tap water, this hot sauce was a pretty weak red vinegar sauce. Without even the decency to have way too much vinegar! Blasphemy. Just really wimpy, light red sauce.

Bottoms Up!
Actually went down without any grimacing. It's just really weak in food.


These guys have a web site printed on their back label that doesn't exist, nor has ever existed. Probably would ruin their hillbilly theme though. Imagine: "Just email billybob@theOutHouse.com"

Believe it or not, they also make a green swampy looking sauce too. Can't wait for my friend to go on vacation next year and get me the sequel.

My friend went on vacation, and all I got was this lousy hot sauce"


Tomorrow: Walkerswood Caribbean Savory

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1 Comments:

  • Some friends bought me a bottle as a gag from a novelty shop. It sat on my shelf for a couple of years and then one day I opened it and put some on a bland but nutritious meat and potato pie that my neighbor had made. Boy was I surprised. It was amazingly good! I love all hot sauces and salsa, and this one was different than any I had had before. It wasn't as hot as some, but hot enough to get that slightly painful but pleasant tongue burn with the first bite. I'm hooked on it now and use it on some days as a contrast to habanero or jalopeno based sauces. Maybe the writer of this blog got a bad batch, or a bottle that had been tampered with? Mine was thick and dark red, not too much vinegar.
    I would highly recommend it. My only regret is that I have to order it on the internet, and it is expensive, especially considering the shipping costs.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:37 PM, June 21, 2011  

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