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The Smoking Tongue

September 06, 2005

Day 49: Blair's After Death Sauce

A couple years ago, I had this sauce for the first time. I thought it was going to be a lot hotter than it was, because I was trying out all the Blair Hot Sauces in order. However, I had this one out of order, and was eating it after eating Sudden Death. Turns out Sudden Death is a lot hotter, and this one is just below it.

So this time around, I didn’t think it would be as hot as it was. Well! I guess eating a whole bottle in one day changes your perspective on heat levels quite quickly. Turns out this bad boy has extract in it, and is rated at almost 50,000 scoville units. HOLY SHIT. I suffered through some extremely hot eggs for breakfast. Then for lunch I suffered through an excruciating meal of 2 hot dogs. For supper, we ate out at a new restaurant and I had a chicken sandwich and fries. Wowzers!

I probably went through about 10 napkins for each meal. Blowing my nose, wiping my forehead, wiping the sauce that drooled down my face. (Once you get hot sauce on a napkin, it's no longer safe for blowing your nose!)

The flavor of this sauce isn't very noticeable. It seems to have a pretty bland tomato paste, but I the heat comes so quickly, I had no real way of telling what it tastes like.

I wish I had at least one meal where I was eating alone. This way I could eat slowly, use more sauce, and get through the bottle quicker. However, in public, I had to maintain a decent speed, and try not to look too much like a dork blowing my nose between each bite.

Because of this, when supper was over, I still had about a shot of hot sauce left at the bottom of the bottle.

When I got home that night on Labor Day, I had to go into work and get a few important things done for Tuesday. Just one of those rare times that I had to get caught up on important work. I was there until the wee hours of the morning, and made it back home at 3 a.m.

I was tempted to slide into bed and enjoy my 2 hours sleep before I had to get ready for work, but I still had some After Death hot sauce to finish.

So, I filled the shot glass, cleaned the bottle, and brought them to the computer room. I took pictures of all the empty hot sauce bottles I finished during the Labor Day weekend, and uploaded them to the computer. Then I drank the shot and got ready for bed.

Now, unlike the other extremely hot sauces I've had during the Tour de Hot Sauce, the heat burned the back of my throat immediately. There was no 2 minute delay. No 1 minute delay. It came instantly. After a few seconds, I realized I was holding my breath and started to breath again. I went to the kitchen to clean out my shot glass, wishing I could drink some milk. (I never drink milk to dull the pain, otherwise how would I truly know the intricacies of each hot sauce?)

After that, my stomach started to burn. I knew where this was heading, so I went to the bathroom to take a dump. However, after I was done, my stomach still hurt. I knew eating hot sauce on an empty stomach was a bad idea, but I didn't think it would be so bad.

So back to the kitchen I went. Screw protocol, I drank a bunch of water, and grabbed a bag of pretzels, hoping to reverse the "empty stomach" problem. But after a few pretzels, I couldn't eat any more.

I grabbed the largest Tupperware bowl I had to use as a puke bucket and went to bed. That lasted exactly 1 minute. I thought I heard my stomach expanding, but it was just the hard drive in the Tivo running. It felt like I was going to have a baby. I kept having contractions every 30 seconds. Then for 30 seconds, I'd feel better. Then the pain came back as if my stomach was going to expand and explode.

I kept trying to drink more water. And my stomach kept trying to explode. After about 30 minutes, I started to moan, and began to worry about having to go to the hospital. Imagine explaining that one.

No...I wasn't trying to kill myself."

My mouth started watering, a tell-tale sign oft learned at college that one is about to throw up. The pain was getting so bad, I refused to wait and see if I would throw up. Sticking two fingers down my throat, I made myself throw up. A gushing stream of spicy water came up and went into the sink. I did it again... more spicy water.

I drank some water, in the vain attempt to maybe dilute the pain in my stomach. I threw up spicy water 3 more times. It's true that hot sauce can burn on the way back up, but believe me, the burning pain in my mouth paled in comparison to the pain I was still feeling in my stomach.

The 6th time I threw up, I hit pay dirt. Dark red salsa-like stuff flew out my mouth, and into the sink. It was much thicker than the spicy water I had been throwing up earlier. Unfortunately, my head was tilted down while doing this, so some of it came out of my nose. That burned. Immediately my stomach felt a little better, only to be replaced by the quickest mounting pain in the back of my mouth, throat, and nose. Mixed with the stomach acid, my mouth was on FIRE!

Scrambling around like a drowned rat, I scurried to the freezer and grabbed a box of ice cream. I went to grab a spoon out of a drawer so violently, it came off the rollers and spilled all the silverware across the kitchen floor. I grabbed a spoon off the floor and ripped open the lid to the ice cream. I took a bit bite, but it was hard as a rock. I quickly filled a glass with water and started scooping ice cream into the water to make them melt a bit.

For the next 10 minutes I alternated between eating a chunk of hard ice cream, to gulping down make-shift vanilla shakes made of half melted ice cream and tap water. I barely kept ahead, fanning the flames mounting in the back of my throat. It was a scary 10 minutes. I'm just glad I have a girlfriend that likes ice cream. Otherwise, I probably would have resorted to eating ketchup straight out of the bottle, and drinking olive juice out of the jar. I was desperate.

After the fires cooled down, I put a little ice cream in a paper towel and started to wipe my face. The skin was warm and tingly. I assume some of the spicy puke water had splashed up from the sink, and into my face . After the ice cream bath, I cleaned up the mess and got my two hours of sleep.

Never again will I eat a hot sauce extract on an empty stomach.


Tomorrow: I'm going to see if Pepto-Bismol makes a hot sauce.

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