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The Smoking Tongue

September 29, 2005

Day 73: Chef Han's Jalapeno

"Shake Well"

Shake well, indeed!
So separated, it was about to get a divorce. When I saw this sitting on the shelf at the grocery store, it deserved a picture right then and there! The bottom half of the bottle had the pulp. The top half was a completely see-through green liquid. How embarrassing for Chef Han. When hot sauces separate, it's kind of like being caught with your pants down and forgetting to wear any underwear. This means that more than 1/2 the bottle was pure vinegar. How cheap and lazy can you get?

This was a 6 ounce bottle, and I could barely use it all today. It was hard work. Every time I thought my food was too saturated with the sauce, I dug deep like Rocky, and poured a bit more.

For lunch, I specifically had Clam Chowder so that I could pour it in. Unfortunately, I was sitting with some people at work I usually don't sit with, so it was hard for me to pour 1/2 the bottle in. I only put 1/4th in, and even that amount amazed them. It was embarrassing.

At home, I had some on tuna which I mixed the sauce in with. Not very good.

Then I put some on a ham sandwich. Not very good.

I put the rest of the sauce on some mixed vegetables. Not very good.

I guess supper turned out to be: Not very good.

The sauce was just too tart, too runny. I don't even have to mention that there was no heat.

Bottoms Up!
Fucking Hell. I can't describe it any better than that. This has got to rank up there close to #1 in making a tart face. My face scrunches up, then my whole body just tenses up as I wait for my epileptic fit to be over. You know, the reason I do these "shot" descriptions, is so I can describe the pure FLAVOR of the sauce. Not talk about bodily functions that occur.

Chef Han wins the first "Go Fuck Yourself" award from me.

Tomorrow: Mo Hotta Mo Betta Habanero

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Day 72: Gator Vertigo

Eating a bottle of hot sauce every day can quickly deplete anyone's hot sauce stash. I know things start to get dicey for me when I find myself debating on eating a sauce that looks like it was made in 1901 vs. a purple-green sauce I have with no label.

This bottle of Gator Vertigo had been passed over for well over a month now. I kept looking at how separated the vinegar and sauce looked, and how faded the label looked. Add to that the fact I've never heard of it, and I couldn't bring myself to eat it. Well today, I didn't have too many other choices, so I shook it up well, and pretended not to look at it.

And I'll be damned if it wasn't a really tasty hot sauce!

I actually ended up eating the whole bottle during lunch. Lunch consisted of a hot dog, dwarfed by 2 mounds of Mac & Cheese. Not the Mac & Cheese that comes out of a box, but the Mac & Cheese that a chef would try to pawn off as a full meal. (Sometimes I wonder if our chef at work used to work at a High School) This sauce really helped it out. There was a strong hint of relish, it was runny and clumpy, but mixed well with the meal.

The guys at work though it was pretty good too. Don't worry, they don't eat much of it. I'm still eating 95% of the bottle. They just like to taste it. Plus no one there knows I'm the Smoking Tongue, so I can't blow my cover by being a greedy wench at times like that. I always share the love of hot sauce.

The back of the label says it's made by Counter-Productive Enterprises from Palm Harbor, FL. Their web site no longer works, but I was able to go back in history and see what it used to look like in 1999 to 2001.

Counter-Productive Enterprises, Inc. was established with one goal in mind. . . . generating smiles. We do that by offering products that please the eyes as well as the taste buds. Gourmet hot sauces and clothing that sport the CP logo are our featured items."

They have a sauce called Gator Snowbird Surprise, that they will only sell to other Floridians. It's not even an option in their order form. Can you say Collectors?!

Here is what they said about today's hot sauce:

Gator Vertigo: The only hotsauce certified at Mach 2, Gator Vertigo is the hottest of the 3 sauces. Fueled by Cayenne and Habanero Peppers with onion, red pepper, garlic and ginger. You won't know which way is up with Gator Vertigo."

I hope they're still in business, but I have no clue where they are. I'm afraid the Gator has gone the way of the Dodo. If I ever see their sauces on a shelf somewhere, I'll probably snatch them up before they're gone forever.

Other sauces by them:

Gator Snowbird Surprise
Gator Squeezin's
Gator Sizzlin' Sauce
Lady Gator Red

Tomorrow: Chef Han's Jalapeno

Topics: ,

September 27, 2005

Day 71: Currybbean Fiesta

I'm a huge fan of almost any sauce or condiment. When I eat fish, I use scary amounts of tartar sauce. French fries get half a jug of ketchup. Chips and salsa? I'm the guy with the 10 gallon cowboy hat stealing salsa at Chi-Chi's. (Remember that commercial?)

So it's with great wonder that I'm not a curry fan. I've been to a few Indian restaurants, and while I have always been able to find enjoyable food at their buffets and menus, I steer clear of anything with curry. A real shame, since I hear some can get very spicy.

It also seems like I've had a whole week of weird flavored Caribbean sauces. Caribbean, Karibean……Currybbean? Ugggh.

That being said, I'm quite surprised that this sauce wasn't that bad. It was much better than I thought it would be.

For lunch, I had a huge taco that I crumbled into a salad type mess. Odd combo, to be sure. On one half of the taco, I had it covered in salsa. (In case I didn't like this sauce) The other half I left dry so that I could pour this sauce all over it. The first bite had more of a kick than I ever would have suspected. Although tacos and curry probably aren't the first mixture people would want, it wasn't too bad.

Supper was a large, mostly egg-white omelette. The sauce really didn't go well with it at all. It also wasn't nearly as spicy as I remembered it from lunch.

I have mixed feelings about the sauce. Since I'm not a curry fan to begin with, and the flavor was only above average, I won't be trying it again. True curry fans, however, may have better luck.

Tomorrow: Gator Vertigo

Topics: ,

September 26, 2005

Day 70: Frenchman's Papaya Fire

Full Name: "Frenchman's Fire - Papaya Mild - Caribbean Hot Sauce"

I'm not even sure that this Neanderthal has ever even eaten a Papaya before, but I bet after having this sauce, I'll know one when I taste one. This sauce is fruit-in-a-bottle. Bright green, thick, tart, and very flavorful.

I didn't think it had much heat, but my friends at work thought it would kick up someone's chili. I told him it would probably COOL down their chili, but they didn't want to try my extract sauce. Oh well. I went ahead and put this on my chicken sandwich, while putting the extract sauce into my own chili.

I had my girlfriend try this at night during supper. She couldn't even swallow it, she had to spit it out. I was amazed. And pissed that she wasted some of my sauce! I know she's a picky eater, but I didn't really think she'd have that reaction. Believe me though, this was a very tasty sauce that would give Concord a run for their fruit juice money.

I'm unable to find a home page for Frenchman's. The few blurbs I've read about them online have all been local papers from the St. Petersburg area talking about them. Hopefully they'll get a little bit bigger, and a little more up to date.

The original Frenchman's Fire Caribbean Hot Sauce is an authentic 350-year-old family recipe from St. Thomas in the U.S.Virgin Islands. But now the original is joined by six new sauces that are flavored versions of the original: mango, papaya, guava, passion fruit, lime, and mild.

Other flavors, if you can find them:
Frenchman's Fire - Guava
Frenchman's Fire - Guava Mild
Frenchman's Fire - Lime
Frenchman's Fire - Mango
Frenchman's Fire - Original
Frenchman's Fire - Original Mild
Frenchman's Fire - Passion Fruit

Tomorrow: Currybean Fiesta

Topics: ,

September 25, 2005

Day 69: Emeril's Red Pepper Sauce

Full Name: "Emeril's Fire It Up! Red Pepper Sauce"

The final nail in the coffin. Putting a picture of a chef on a hot sauce label, definitely means crappy ass sauce.

Years ago, I used to be a big fan of Emeril. We used to watch him on TV, drooling over the stuff he made, pretending that some day we would cook that stuff for ourselves. I guess it's easier to just boil a pot and rip things out of their freeze dried containers.

I do remember buying some cayenne powder in an attempt to Kick Things Up A Notch. Turns out I didn't care for the flavor in my foods, and didn't detect enough heat. My problem was probably buying name brand crap at the store. There are some 1-man operations that make good spices.

One thing I am pretty certain of, is that Emeril would never endorse this product if he had actually tasted it. There is no way he'd use this hot sauce on the show, or at home. It's nothing more than a vinegar sauce. And for some reason, it wasn't red enough for them, so they had to add red food coloring to it!

That being said, I still ate a bottle today. I had most of it on a hamburger at Culver's. There was more heat here than I remembered from the last time I unfortunately used it. Other than that, it was just a boring red vinegar sauce.

He has a green sauce too, which contains an unholy amount of vibrant food coloring. I can't wait 'til I bitch about that one too.

Tomorrow: Frenchman's Papaya Sauce

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Day 68: Dia De Los Muertos

Full Name: "Captain Thom's Chilli Company - Dia De Los Muertos - Day Of The Dead - Piquine Tequila Pepper Sauce"

This sauce got 2nd place at the 2004 Fiery Foods Challenge in the Chile Specific Hot Sauce category, and 1st place at the 2005 ZestFest in the Chile Blend Hot Sauce category. With a heavy (and distinct) flavor of Piquine coming through, I can see why it could be in Chile Specific category. Since it also has habaneros in the ingredient list giving it some heat, I guess it also qualifies for the Blended Category.

I had this sauce while eating brats at a hot pepper festival this weekend. And never have two foods been meant for each other. This is definitely the classic 'bump' from the peanut butter & chocolate commercials.

"You've got brat in my Pequine sauce!"
"You've got Pequine sauce in my brat!"

I couldn't get enough of this sauce, and since it was so thick, it glopped on my brats perfectly each bite. I know that I was hungry, and probably would have enjoyed licking motor oil from under my car, but today, at this event, at this meal, it was heaven.

The flavor of this sauce has to be experienced to explain. There was a hint of relish, but the pepper flavor is pretty unique. Also, the consistency is a bit gritty, and the color is almost green & purple. But even these two very negative factors were won over by the flavor alone.

The heat level was enjoyable. For me, that means a low burn. For others, probably medium. For the wimps, probably hot as hell.

The dangling skull is pretty cool too.

Bottoms Up!
Well, drinking this straight wasn't quite as enjoyable as it was on food. Looking at the color, seeing the grit, really made my stomach turn. When I shot the sauce back into my mouth, I wanted to gag it up from the gritty texture alone. But a second later the flavor came through, and suddenly it didn't seem so bad. Amazing how the mind is so strong to invoke that initial reaction.

This sauce is good, just don't look at it!!

I'm not very familiar with Captain Thom's store or products, but it seems like he is quite versatile. He has also won some awards with his "Smoked Habaneros in Oil", Jerk Spice, Smokey Pepper Vinegar, Spicy Hickory Rub, and Chili Pepper Salt. From what I could find, he only makes one other hot sauce:

Captain Thom's West African Voodoo Juice

Tomorrow: Emeril's Red Pepper Sauce

Topics: ,

Day 67: Uncle Dougie's Cayenne Sauce

The last of Uncle Dougie's hot sauces.

I'm amazed by where I'm starting to see Uncle Dougie products popping up. There must be some serious distribution going on here. And for labels that are quite underwhelming, it seems to be doing well.

This sauce was probably the most boring of the three. If I had this one first, I would definitely cry re-labeling on the company. However, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for now.

This sauce was a typical red vinegar sauce, except that it had lots of red spots in it. In other words, it wasn't a perfectly red coolaid mix, it seemed to have a bit more in it. Or just not as well mixed. Fine with me. I have nothing exciting to say about the flavor of the sauce, since it still tasted like red vinegar. However, I happened to have it with the PERFECT lunch.

Grilled Reuben sandwich at Culver's. I hardly ever have this kind of sandwich, since I'm not a corned beef fan, but I wanted something different today while out on the road. I don't know if it was the sauerkraut in the sandwich that went great with the vinegar, but it BEGGED for more of this sauce. It was an excellent treat, and I'll have to add it to my repertoire against vinegars sauces.

Without a doubt, today’s lunch carried the sauce, instead of the other way around.

Tomorrow: Captain Thom's Dia De Los Muertos


Day 66: Maui Pepper Apples Ass

Taking a close look at this sauce while it was on my food, I could see where the name could have come from. If an apple actually took a shit... this is what it would look like. Murky brown, with chucks apples floating in it.

It smells really good. The flavor is very tart with lots of vinegar. I have mixed views about this sauce. During the day I didn't really like it. I had it on German Potato salad, and then at night, over spaghetti leftovers. The guys at work really liked it (Wimps) but I went through the whole day shaking my head. Is this really a hot sauce? Why bother? What's the point? Eat an apple pie!

However, right before bed, I had quite a few tablespoons left over and tried it straight. It was then that I felt like I had a different bottle in my hand. The flavor is very intriguing. There's a lot going on. First, the sweetness wants to conquer the heat. And yes, there was some heat. My lips had a slight burn to it that I never got from the food. Even when I was done sampling, the heat lingered like a hangover. This is probably one of the most unique sauces that I've liked.

Now the only question is what kind of food to put it on!

"rich and fruity tropical sauce with the alternating sweetness and fire of apple butter, mango, rum and habanero peppers. This sauce adds zip and can dress up any dish with just a few shakes"

Well, it failed to spice up "any" dish, even when using most of the bottle. However, there is definitely a wild alternating flavor going on in this complex sauce.

Whoa! Is Tahiti Joe having second thoughts on the name of this hot sauce? I can see very clearly on the bottle I have in my hands that it says APPLES-ASS. But the logo on his web site is showing something a little more clever: APPLE-SASS.

I wonder if maybe the old one was a typo. Maybe a mean joke by the printer. Maybe he's cleaning up the logo so it can sell at little Suzie's grocery store safely. Or maybe... he's just embarrASSED.

More Sauces
Looks like Tahiti Joe's "Maui Pepper" line is dedicated to wild fruit flavors. If he put as much work into these other sauces as he did this one, I'll be looking forward to testing them out:

Maui Pepper - Mangonesian
Maui Pepper - Mango Meltdown
Maui Pepper - Mango Meltdown X-Treme
Maui Pepper - Sunset Salsa Pineapple Mango

Tomorrow: Uncle Dougie's Cayenne Sauce

Topics: ,

September 21, 2005

Day 65: D.L. Jardine TexaPeppa

Full Name: "D.L. Jardine's Texas Ranch Recipes Texapeppa Jalapeno Sauce - Mucho Caliente"

Weird how the other two bottles I had by this company were the normal 5 ounce woozie bottle size. This one is the tall, annoying, doesn't-fit-anywhere 6 ounce version. Also, it has a small opening at the top so that I can't pour the sauce out normally, but resort to shaking it up and down.

There was some green jalapeno flavor in this sauce. It was tart, had too much vinegar, but I still got more enjoyment out of it than I thought I would. I'm a sucker for the jalapeno flavor, even if it's just a little bit of it. I figured this was just a Tabasco Green rip-off. Luckily, this had just a little bit more.

For lunch, I put some on some freshly cooked German Potato Salad. It was home made by the guy at work, and was pretty good. Unfortunately, the sauce didn't add much flavor at all. Very disappointing.

For supper, I poured a heaping amount on Chicken Parmigiana. Again, home made, except we made it. Much more of the jalapeno flavor came out this time, and it was a pretty good combo. My sister was visiting, but I think she was so busy talking about work, she didn’t even notice how much I used.

Bottoms Up!
Shot: Tart. So much vinegar , I should be reviewing it on that. Are people this taste deprived, that this is all they need in food? It's too weak, and way too much vinegar.

Tomorrow: Apples Ass


September 20, 2005

Day 64: Cracker Cowboy Citrus

Full name: "Cracker Cowboy Devil Horse Citrus Sauce"

Does that sound like a manly name for a hot sauce? Yea, I didn't think so either! I wouldn't be caught dead carrying this hot sauce around! Well, actually I did. And besides, I've carried much more embarrassing ones around. And funny enough, I'm usually more embarrassed when I carry around mild ones.

"Hey, whatchoo got there? Is it hot?"

Um... no...

When I opened this bottle, I quickly tried a sample straight from the bottle. It's very dark brown, and has a medium thickness to it. It has a heavy citrus flavor. Maybe a little lime, and a lot of orange. Odd thing to be tasting from a black sauce.

Throughout the day, I had this sauce poured all over: Cajun rice, ham sandwiches, and soup. None of it went well with the sauce. It was lacking so much in flavor, it was like it wasn't even there. And when you try a large amount at once, it contrasted with the food too much.

Not really a great sauce. I can't imagine what anyone would use this sauce for. (I should have read their suggestions: Fish, shrimp, and oysters.)

Oh yea, I forgot to mention the heat. Probably because they forgot to add any!! Bummer!

Bottoms Up!
Shot: Smells a little like taco sauce. The taste reminds me of one of my ingredients I use in my chili. Cumin? I have no idea. It completely escapes me, it's boggling. The citrus flavor does live up to the label’s name.

This sauce is made by some ranchers near Okeechobee, Florida. (I love saying that) Although Cracker Cowboy doesn’t make any other hot sauces, they do make a few salsas that sound mouth watering. And if cow whips and original oil paintings are up your alley, you’ve found the right place.

Tomorrow: D.L. Jardine Texapeppa


September 19, 2005

Day 63: Melinda's Hot Sauce

Two-fer. Actually ate 2 bottles today. The first one I finished at lunch, and forgot the bottle on the table! I was a little pissed, but since it was a gift and pretty weak, I shrugged it off. Driving home from work, I had to quickly change my supper plans, and decided to eat a pizza. Pizza is just the meal to knock off a whole 'nother bottle.

Full Name: "Melinda's Original Habanero Pepper Sauce - Hot Sauce"

A.K.A. The Mild Sauce

Anyone familiar with Melinda's will know that they have quite a spectrum of sauces on their heat scale. "Hot" is their weakest of the Original Habanero line, followed by "Extra Hot", "XXXtra Hot", "XXXXtra Reserve Hot".

To get a good start on wiping out the bottle so late in the day, I just poured most of the bottle over the finished pizza and let it soak there for a while. The first thing I noticed was that this one was much more of a muddy looking sauce than the other flavors by Melinda's.

The sweet flavor went well with the pizza. I already like veggie toppings on my pizza more than meat, so the taste blended well. I was really hard up though on the heat factor.
There was none.
As expected.
I ended up using the last of my Death Sprinkles to give the pizza some heat. Using extract flakes isn't as good as using a sauce, but it works in a pinch.

Bottoms Up!
A little runny, but for being a mild runny sauce, it didn't taste horrible straight. The number one ingredient on the list was Carrots, followed by Habaneros. And although as a kid I never imagined cooked carrots tasting any good, Melinda's has perfected using carrots as a sweetener. It went down ok.

Tomorrow: Cracker Cowboy


September 18, 2005

Day 62: Mezzetta California Hot Sauce

Full title: "Mezzetta Brand California Habanero Hot Sauce - Twist & Shout"

One good thing about visiting certain relatives out of state, is that their HyVee grocery store is the only one in the Midwest that I've been to that carries Mezzetta Hot Sauce. This is a surprisingly professional sauce coming from a large name brand that actually sits very well with my palate.

This sauce is dark red, and smells like a spicy taco sauce. Not wimpy like the "HOT" version of Ortega's Taco Sauce! Keep that crap away from me, it'd be ordering a glass of milk at Oktoberfest. Mezzetta has a real kick to it, enough to make you forget that it tasted like taco sauce for 1.2 seconds.

Being a Sunday, I had one of those embarrassingly large omelettes that could feed small villages on the African coast. It's the only way to tackle a 7.5 ounce bottle of hot sauce. It was a great combo. I highly recommend the sauce.

Mezzetta has been a family owned business since 1935. Pretty impressive in today's cutthroat shareholder world. And they've been busy! Not only doing their own cutthroat activity, (They own Kona Coast, Nappa Valley Bistro, Tulelake Brand) they also just make all kinds of crap.

They've got Golden Pepperocini, Roasted Bell Peppers, Garlic Stuffed Olives, and zzzzzZZZzzzz....
Anyway, they have a couple other sauces that might qualify as a hot sauce, but I doubt it. Certainly isn't in our grocery stores here in the Midwest. I guess I'll have to live with just this one awesome hot sauce.

Considering many companies don't know how to make even one decent hot sauce, I'll take it.

Besides, it gives me something to look forward to when I'm visiting these relatives...

Bottoms Up!
I used so much of this sauce today I hardly had any left to drink a shot. Then as I was shaking the shit out of the bottle, pretending a few more drops would make a difference, the cap fell in. So I shot the picture to commemorate the event. Tasting it straight just cements the tart, taco flavoring. Better on food!

Tomorrow: Melinda's Hot Sauce


September 17, 2005

Day 61: Karibbean Flavor Pepper Sauce

Full Title: Karibbean Flavor Vintage West Indian Pepper Sauce"

I got this from my uncle & aunt from their vacation in the Caribbean. I thanked them kindly, but pretty much blew off the sauce as tourist trap crap. It had a limp yellow color, and I had just had a couple boring sauces in a row before that. This sat in the box in the basement for quite a few weeks. However, just like every one else in the world that eats a bottle of hot sauce every day, I eventually started to run out of choices, and decided to give it a try.

Boy was I surprised.

Hot as hell! I poured most of the bottle in my spaghetti, and it lit my mouth on fire! I was definitely sweating through the whole meal. We even had company over, and I had to play it cool. (Basically venting air in and out the side of my mouth)

This has the tell tale smell of almost pure scotch bonnet peppers. And if you've ever been man or woman enough to try this type of sauce, you know exactly what smell I'm talking about. My brain shuts down just smelling it. It cringes, and my throat tightens in a pre-heartburn reflex.

Yes, I loved this sauce a hell of a lot!

"Karibbean Flavours" is sold and exported by Ravi Sakar from RHS Marketing Ltd. Unfortunately their site is indefinitely "down" for upgrades, otherwise I could find out if they sell any other sauces. They're located in Trinidad. Lucky bastards

Bottoms Up!
Shot: Not as hot as I thought it would be from what I had experienced earlier during supper. However, no mistake, this stuff has fresh habanero flavor and heat to back it up. It's still burning a small hole in my stomach. Luckily my mouth isn't raging on fire or I'd have to eat my words.

Tomorrow: Mezzetta


Day 60: Walkerswood Caribbean Savory

Full title: "Walkerswood Zesty Caribbean One Stop Savoury Sauce"

Even though we often pop into grocery stores for a quick grab, I almost always try to sneak down the condiment aisle to peak at their hot sauce selection. Especially if it's a store I haven't been in before. And on this occasion, even though it was the same chain grocer as the one next to my house, and even though they always carry the exact same things, I took a peak anyway.

All the sauces looked tired and familiar, except there was something wrong with their Walkerswood bottles. It looked like their bright orange habanero sauces had sat there rotting for 10 years and turned brown. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a different flavor! Much like finding a new species in the middle of the jungle, I grabbed a specimen and brought it home for inspection.

From their web site:

"One Stop is a regular refrain heard on public bus transportation in Jamaica. It will get you off at your destination. Similarly this sauce has numerous places to go!"

I have no idea what they're talking about.

"It contains the authentic ingredients which make up the traditional Jerk, but this time they are blended with a medley of rich fruit flavours such as mangoes & tamarind."

Steve Martin was hilarious in The Jerk! That was a great movie. More exciting than what I'm reading.

"One Stop can be used as a table sauce with many egg dishes such as macaroni and cheese or omelets. It is a natural accompaniment to grilled meats such as hamburgers, sausages, steak or chops. Use while cooking as it will perk up almost any savory dish. Though flavourful it is not considered hot."

Sort of true. The sauce was sweet enough, and tasted ok, that it would probably go with a lot of foods. But it was way too mildly flavored. It was very hard to pick up in some foods at all - and I used the whole bottle!!

Their last sentence sums up another thought going through my mind. This just falls short of what a person usually looks for in a hot sauce. I'm looking to alter my food and eating experience. Whether it's through a divine purification through heat, or through a moaning climax of flavor, something had better happen, or you're going to collect dust on the shelf. I personally get pissed off when my 64 ounce jug of ketchup runs out at home. I couldn't care less about this one. Except that now that I ate it, I get to have a new hot sauce tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Karibbean Flavor Pepper Sauce

Topics: ,

September 15, 2005

Day 59: Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire

Full Title: "Old Grand Paw's Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire"
Where do all the crappy hot sauces go that never sell? They eventually reach the dead lands of T.J Max's, hidden between the knick-knacks and plastic plants. And if they don't sell there, they go to their ghetto store, Marshall's. It was there that I saw this too-large, obnoxious hot sauce bottle sitting next to a 50 cent bottle of shampoo.

Much like the shampoo, I don't think this red tap water was made for consumption. If it had simply one exfoliate type ingredient in it, I probably would have washed my hair with it. But it sat on my shelf for months until one day I was in a hot sauce crisis, and much like a "Break Glass In Emergency", I poured it on my bland food.

That was about 6 months ago. I thought I had seen the last of it. But no, the unlucky penny has returned.

A friend of mine at work swung by my office, walked in, and announced he got me a bitchin' gift from his vacation in Michigan.

"I got you a hot sauce, dude!"

Sweet. I always enjoy getting exotic sauces from far flung lands. Sauces you've never heard of. Sauces from countries you've never heard of. Sauces that would never pass even the minimum FDA requirements.

Then he whips out the big bottle of red tap water. Cajun Swampfire. Thanks for nothing, dude.

So this bottle sits on my desk for weeks. Every once in a while I lie to him and say it's too beautiful of a hot sauce to actually open and eat. Then one day it happens... our cafeteria announces they're serving gumbo. Now I love me some gumbo. And it sure beats the hell out of my bologna pickle sandwich I brought in from home. If there was ever a time I could eat a full 14 ounces bottle of hot sauce, it would be now.

I had to pour the stuff on. My gumbo was floating in a moat of red tap water. I didn't eat with a fork, I ate with a spoon. I had a lot of sauce to get through, so this was work.

Eventually I got through most of it, brought it home for supper, and used up the rest. Needless to say from my references to red tap water, this hot sauce was a pretty weak red vinegar sauce. Without even the decency to have way too much vinegar! Blasphemy. Just really wimpy, light red sauce.

Bottoms Up!
Actually went down without any grimacing. It's just really weak in food.

These guys have a web site printed on their back label that doesn't exist, nor has ever existed. Probably would ruin their hillbilly theme though. Imagine: "Just email billybob@theOutHouse.com"

Believe it or not, they also make a green swampy looking sauce too. Can't wait for my friend to go on vacation next year and get me the sequel.

My friend went on vacation, and all I got was this lousy hot sauce"

Tomorrow: Walkerswood Caribbean Savory

Topics: ,

Day 58: Pain Is Good - Jamaican

Full Title: Pain Is Good - Jamaican Style Batch #114 Hot Sauce"

This is the last of the three "Pain Is Good" series, nicknamed "Buckwheat". Although I'm still a big fan of their labels and packaging, I didn't even like this last one very well either. It reminded me of a badly done Ketchup & Barbeque mix. The problem is that it was too heavy on the tomato paste. The first ingredient is Habanero peppers, so I can only assume the found the weakest Habs they could find (It's a mild sauce). The 2nd ingredient is tomato paste. Come on, this is suppose to be a hot sauce. Jamaican hot sauce. Since when did they make ketchup down there?

"In the jungles of Jamaica, far from the soft, white beaches and luxury resorts, there's a small shack with a small garden. In the garden, Scotch Bonnet and Habanero peppers are grown."

And tomato plants! Don't forget rows and rows and rows of the red tomatoes. I can't even write out the rest of that blurb, it's too fucking corny, and starts to talk about voodoo and shit. Not to mention beneath it, in bold letters, it says: "MADE IN USA"


Bottoms Up!
Not recommended. Tart, runnier than I thought, and kind of like using a straw in a Heinz bottle.

This sauce does NOT belong on bread. Just the other night I was listening to an online radio station, and the DJ was rambling on about how he loved toast. I mean this freak was talking about the model of this toaster, and the accessories involved! Anyway, he then got into all the things he liked to put on to toast. He made love to some chocolate concoction description, and then started swearing about how ketchup was the antichrist to toast. My ears perked up. I completely agreed! I love eggs. I love ketchup on my eggs. Sometimes I like egg sandwiches. But ketchup does not work on egg sandwiches at all.

Same thing happened when I made my egg sandwich this morning. This sauce sucked on it. Too much like ketchup.

Tomorrow: Cajun Cousin's Swamp Fire

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Day 57: Frontera Red Pepper Sauce

"Authentic to west coast, Mexico"

Well they can keep it!

Frontera has had several changes in their sauces and labels in the last few years. They've changed a sauce here or there. They've changed their label design twice. And changed the name of a flavor or two to something different. No body in the world cares, but I did notice.

"Arbol chiles are Mexico's favorite for hot sauce, because they have an alluring red chile heat that wrestles with a hint of smokiness."

Yes, it was like slapping my jock strap back on and wrestling with the other 8th graders at school all over again. Actually, the only thing I wrestled with was putting this sludge in my mouth. First, before I even opened it, you could see what looked like oil globules floating all over the sauce. Then, when I poured it out, it had a very gritty consistency.

It actually tasted better than the mud pie that it looked like, although I wouldn't say it tasted great. The first ingredient is water, followed by vinegar, pumpkin seeds, and then the Arbol peppers. It's flavor was pretty subdued. I guess it reminded me a little of pumpkin & allspice, with a hint of peppers.

Bottoms Up!
Believe you me, I did not really want to drink this straight. You can see the oily spots in there. Go on, click on the picture and get a good look at the zoom in. Go ahead, it won't kill you. I ate it after all, and I'm still alive.

However, it wasn't as bad as it looked after all. No retching, no squirming. I guess it was all in the mind. I guess I'd admit that there must be a few people out there that would really dig this sauce. Whatever its classification might be.

Frontera is busy making other things too. Their hip labels are on Chips, Salsas, Guac Mix, Pizza, Rubs, & BBQ's. I won't even go into why Rick Bayless is plastered all over their site. Super stars of culinary.

More sauces by Frontera:

Frontera - Chipotle Hot Sauce
Frontera - Jalapeno Hot Sauce
Frontera - Habanero Hot Sauce
Frontera - Tomato Chipotle Cocktail & Ceviche Sauce
Frontera - Cilantro-Lime Cocktail & Ceviche Sauce

Tomorrow: Pain Is Good, Jamaican Style

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September 12, 2005

Day 56: D.L. Jardine's Texas Kicker

Full name: "Special Edition D.L. Jardine's Texas Ranch Recipes - Texas Kicker Hot Sauce XX Hot"

This was one of 3 sauces I bought at a mall during Labor Day Weekend. The first sauce I had by D.L. Jardine was much hotter than I expected. This one, however, is a weak one. I knew this when I chose it. However, I didn't know that my coworkers would want to go to a Mexican restaurant for lunch.

Yep, a Mexican restaurant is the best place to tap into a hot hot hot sauce. But instead, I had this wimpy-ass sauce to eat.

I wiped out the whole bottle during lunch, leaving just a small sliver at the bottom to do a shot later that night. I then delved into their "basket o' hot sauces" they have for adventurous diners. Although I've had most of them before, they did have a new one this month that I was grateful to try out: "Pain Is Good Jalapeno Wasabi".

I've had the main 3 Pain is Good sauces before, but never the new line of "Divas" sauces. They're kind of weird flavors, and hard to tell if they count as real hot sauces. It turned out, at least with this sauce, that it tasted really good. So be certain that I'll be reviewing those 3 later on. (A Wasabi hot sauce at a Mexican restaurant? Pigs can fly!)

The lunch was good, we paid, we left. Two hours later, I slapped my forehead, remembering that I forgot my bottle there at the table. I sweated it out for 3 hours, and then drove over to the restaurant as quickly as I could. I walked in, and asked if I could look through their "Hot sauce baskets" to find my bottle. The host asked the name of the bottle, and I told him "J.L. Jardine". He disappeared for 3 minutes, and came back with my bottle!! I was relieved and surprised. All it would have taken was one table asking for that hot sauce basket, and one customer trying it out and finishing it off. Then they would have thrown the empty bottle away.

With great relief, I took the bottle and turned towards the exit. The host caught my attention by asking about the sauce. He had never heard of the brand. Never tasted it. He then asked if he could try it. I said sure! He held out his hand, and wanted me to shake some into his palm. I felt a little dirty doing this in the lobby of a restaurant, but in the interest of science, I did it. He licked his palm and did the little wine swirl with his tongue.

"What is that I'm tasting? I can't place it."

I said it was a "Habanero Carrot" type hot sauce. His eyes lit up and said, "Yes! That's what I'm tasting. Carrots. Interesting".

I know, I'm a genius. But I'm a total numbskull in social skills. This could have been my new best friend, but I just kind of left him there with his wet palm and walked out. It's not like I have business cards printed up that say "The Smoking Tongue" but I could have pointed this hot sauce aficionado to my site. Instead, I think of these things 5 minutes later as my car is barreling out of the parking lot.

Anyway, it was nice meeting you.

Bottoms Up!
Thanks to waiter-guy, I had sauce to drink tonight. Had a bottle to take a picture of! Whew. This is a typical habanero carrot genre, very mild, and rich flavors. If this was a wine, they'd say it had a full, excellent body. Not as hot and tasty as D.L. Jardine's Blazin' Saddle, though. Just a mild introduction to a tasty orange-colored sauce.

Tomorrow: Frontera Red Pepper Sauce

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Day 55: Pure Jalapeno Gourmet Sauce

Welcome to jalapeno heaven.

I first had this sauce a couple years ago and just about fell out of my seat when I first smelled it. Delicious.

Then I had my first bite and could barely bring myself to swallow it. It tasted too good.

Aptly named "Pure Jalapeno", the ingredient list lives up to it's name: Jalapeno Pepper, Salt & Vinegar. I don't know if they followed the rules, but usually you list the ingredients in order of quantity used. That means vinegar came AFTER salt!

Either way, this stuff tastes like the pure essence of jalapeno peppers. I'm a huge fan of jalapenos, so this is favorite with me. I know that most jalapeno hot sauces are associated with being weak, mild, and cop-outs. Believe me, I've ripped on a few of them myself. But this one tastes so good, that the heat is a secondary concern.

The only way to get closer to jalapeno flavor is to have a friend shove one down your throat.

I can't believe the assholes from Southwest Specialty Food are the creators (or owners) of this sauce. Some of my venom for them is because of their crappy sauce called AssKickin', which is totally un-AssKickin'. (Why do the crappiest sauces have the biggest advertising budgets?) And how lucky are we that they're expanding their AssCrappin' line! But most of my venom is for their extremely annoying web site. And now they have a huge PIG pop up and cover the site like an annoying pop-up ad. Fucking hell.

I specifically waited until the weekend to eat this sauce, just to make sure I had a chance to take a picture of this sauce on some food. Just look at that green sauce smothering the food. A picture doesn't do it justice though, I can't emphasize how good the sauce tastes.

Bottoms Up!
It was extremely hard for me to set aside this much hot sauce to drink. I wanted to put more and more and more on my food. It tasted fine, but it begged to be mixed with some food.

My only complaint about this sauce is that I have only one local place to buy it from, and it's at a premium cost of $10. Ouch. Not only that, but it's only a 4 ounce bottle.

There are TWO more sauces of this line, and I can't wait to have them again. At $10 a pop, I decided to wait a while before buying them. They are called, "Pure Cayenne" and "Pure Habanero". And yes, they're just as good, but this Jalapeno sauce is special because of how rare good green sauces are.

Tomorrow: D.L. Jardine's Texas Kicker

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September 10, 2005

Day 54: Jamaica Hell Fire 4 In 1

Full Title: "Jamaica Hell Fire Hot Pepper Concentrate - 4 in 1 - Triple Red Hot"

This is the much, much, much wimpier version of Doc's Hellfire I had earlier. Actually, this guy could probably stand on it's own, but having a brother that's SO much hotter puts him in a dark shadow.

Dark bright red in color, this sauce smells like it packs a punch. It's chunky and thick as it runs out. However, it's flavor is kind of empty. It's like it's all full of vegetable pulp, but no flavor. I don't know how in the world they accomplished that, but that's what happened. They would do awesome if they wanted to corner the high school lunch foods of America.

By the way, the people that "might" make this sauce at Mrs. Dogs never bothered to email me back. I emailed them a few weeks ago with questions about their killer Doc's Special Hell Fire. Either they don't give a crap about their customers, or their web site is a dead end, or maybe they've packed up and moved yet again. Maybe I used words that were too big, and they didn't understand me. Maybe they're swamped in Florida from the Hurricanes.

Here's what breakfast looks like at The Smoking Table's house:

Potatoes (and in this case, hash browns) suck in hot sauces like a sponge. So, as I ate breakfast, I didn't have any complaints while eating this hot sauce. The hash browns soaked it in, and I was none the wiser. But when I ate supper, and could taste the sauce on top of the grilled chicken, I definitely got to taste it in all it's crappy glory.

Bottoms Up!
Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. There was very little flavor, and what was there was very revolting. Plus, the texture was terrible. I'm still picking seeds out of my teeth. This sauce is dead to me. Never call me again and ask to borrow money.

Tomorrow: Pure Jalapeno Gourmet Sauce

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September 09, 2005

Day 53: D.L. Jardine's Blazin' Saddle

Full Title: "Special Edition D.L. Jardine’s Texas Ranch Recipes Blazin' Saddle Habanero Pepper Sauce XXX Hot"

While stuck in the middle of Labor Day weekend, I was stuck at a mall for three hours. There was a Kitchen Supply store there, and it was my only chance of finding a new hot sauce. I hit pay dirt, finding a whole rack of different hot sauces. However, I quickly realized that I am now at the point where I need to lug around a list of all the hot sauces I’ve tried.

It’s not that I can’t remember if I’ve drank Tabasco yet, it’s just that on some brands I can’t remember for sure which flavors I’ve had. I also have an internal “Have I had this sauce ever in my life” list, and a “Tour de Hot Sauce” list. In this particular case, I knew I’ve had a Slap My Ass And Call Me Sally, but I don’t remember if I had that particular flavor.

So I had to leave behind half the stash there, but was able to take home 3 different D.L Jardine’s Hot Sauces. I’ve heard of this brand before, because long ago I tried their weak red vinegar sauce, “Texas Champagne”.

Luckily, these other sauces seemed much higher in quality. The consistency was thick, the smell was strong, and the flavor was much better.

Wow, that was toasty. The heat burned the back of my throat before I could say One-Mississippi. It lasted a good 2 minutes. Not only that, but my tongue and teeth had to traverse some habanero seeds. They are mighty hot.

I liked the flavor of the shot very much. The habanero is not only #1 on the ingredient list, it's also #1 on the flavor for this sauce.

To be honest, I had my doubts when lunch rolled around. I had the perfect hot sauce food for lunch that day. Coworkers declared that we were going to a Chicken Wing Joint instead. Never to turn down their famous Nuclear sauce on the wings there, I was curious what I was going to do with the bottle. It certainly didn’t belong on the chicken wing itself.

Luckily, their side order of French fries came with so much cheese, you had to eat it with a fork. This sauce went perfect with it, and believe it or not, I was actually sweating more from this sauce than the Nuclear wing sauce I eventually delved in to.

Now that’s what I call a picture! It’s so good, you have to beat your livestock away from it. I’d love to see a Super Bowl commercial based on more action like this. (Pictured borrowed from their web site) Thems Texans, I tell ya.

Tomorrow: Jamaica Hell Fire 4 In 1


September 08, 2005

Day 52: Sylvia's Kicking Hot

Proving yet against that if you put your face on your hot sauce label, it sucks ass.

At least this sauce has the piqauncy of vinegar that even Texas Pete didn't have. In other words, this is just as normally bad as all the other vinegar sauces out there, and Texas Pete's was worse.

Sylvia's Restaurant is located in Harlem, New York. It looks like they also sell bath & beauty products. Like one. Amway meets relabeling I guess. The pictures of her products on her web site are also fake, as you can tell the labels are copy-pasted on each product. Actually, I'm sure that they probably just wanted to put condiments on their tables just like Ditka's Restaurant. What I want to know is how the hell this sauce got carried all the way to my local grocery store in the Midwest!

The saddest thing is that I'm still typing about this product. I need to pull the plug!

Bottoms Up!
Still mentally queasy every time I get ready to drink a shot of hot sauce. Luckily this was just a normal shot of vinegar. Probably came from the same mysterious plant that made the other 10 red vinegar sauces I've had. ZZZZzzzz.

I guess there’s more. The Triple Strength is suppose to be 3 times as hot. Three times zero is still zero, but might be worth picking up if I ever see it. (And I won’t)

Sylvia’s Original Sauce (Mild & Tangy)
Sylvia’s Original Sauce (Hot & Sassy)
Sylvia’s Triple Strength Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: D.L Jardine’s Blazin’ Saddle

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Day 51: Texas Pete's

Texas Pete is owned by T.W. Garner Food Company. On their site you can find a few other items by them, such a BBQ sauce, mustard, Worchester sauce, chili, jellies, and lots of gear.

You can also pick this stuff up in individual ketchup packet size, 1.9 ounces, 3 ounces, 6 ounces, 12 ounces, ½ gallon, and gallon size.

The only other “hot” sauce they make is Texas Pete Green Pepper Sauce, which is nothing more than a bottle of little green chiles soaking in vinegar. Yuck. I won’t be getting any of that any time soon. I’d probably have to eat the peppers to qualify it as quaffed.

After throwing up on Blair’s After Death Sauce, it was a relief to go with a weak red vinegar sauce. However, I this sauce is especially weak, and wasn’t very good.

Yes, I’m crazy. Drinking a shot only 15 hours after throwing up the last one… I’m just glad my stomach has settled since then.

This sauce tasted a little sour to me. I'm not impressed. Anyone who claims this as their 'favorite' is in love with the little red cowboy on the logo, or just extremely lazy. Maybe they like weak hot sauces, in which case may I suggest a raw tomato shoved down your throat?

Tomorrow: One more weak one.

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September 07, 2005

Tour de Hot Sauce: 50 Days

50 Days, 50 Hot Sauces.

Lining all 50 sauces up really puts things into perspective. I think if anyone looked at these on Day One and said, "Eat em up", it would seem impossible. Luckily I get to just take it one day at a time.

I've done the math, and the total volume comes to 276.1 fluid ounces.
That's 2.15 Gallons (8.16 Liters)

It's been a blast eating a different bottle of hot sauce every day. Just the variety alone has been worth it. There's a small amount of shock value involved, too. I've enjoyed some of the reactions I get from some people. However, any real hot sauce fan out there knows that this is nothing all that special. There are a lot of people out there like me. All of them are doing this on a smaller scale already.

I would say the most difficult part has not been the heat, or the quantity, but just the constant diligence involved in finishing a bottle EVERY day. Wherever I go, whatever I eat, I am carrying a hot sauce bottle and working it into the meal somehow. It's true that I usually did this before anyway. However, if I accidentally forgot a sauce when eating out, I would just curse and then pout while eating a bland meal. Now I drive back to work if I forgot the bottle there. There's no breaks. It's amazing how quickly "tomorrow" gets here when I finish a bottle. I feel like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill forever and ever.

I've also started to lose my tolerance to heat. Some of these sauces just aren't that hot, and I'm used to eating hotter things. Usually I still try to add extract sauces in many of my meals, even though I don't mention that every day.

Lastly, I've turned into quite the apocalyptic scavenger. I'm constantly rooting around town, gathering hot sauces to cover the next few days. It's amazing how quickly you can get through a stash when eating one a day. Luckily, I'm in hog heaven right now with about 30 sauces in the queue.

I'm really looking forward to the next 50!

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Day 50: Gourmet Table Hot Sauce

Well, hopefully it's no surprise that I take it down a few hundred notches and go with the wimpiest red vinegar sauce I can find.

The flavor of this sauce is just like every other red vinegar sauce out there. Possibly even made by the same few companies. But I welcome it today. My stomach and throat are still a little sore today, so no sharp objects.

Gourmet Table is one of the brands owned by PFG, Performance Food Groups. They carry a wide variety of crap from other brands I haven't heard of: Pocahontas, Raffinato, Brilliance, Village Gardens, West Creek, and Heritage Farms Bakery.

The logo for Gourmet Table is about as boring as it gets, and is also sported on Gourmet Ketchup, Gourmet Mustard, and Gourmet Steak Sauce. The cool thing about this hot sauce bottle is that it cost 90 cents! You can't beat that with a stick. I found it over Labor Day Weekend when I was out of town and at a friend's favorite corner market butcher shop. A nice find in today's expensive sauces.

As you can see, this bottle is a little taller, and has a thin neck. That usually means it's 6 ounces instead of 5, and let me tell you, that extra ounce is a killer. I poured this stuff liberally into my soup at work. Into baked beans. Sank pizza into this sauce, and then still had some left. Thankfully this was weak sauce.

I know! I know I'm asking for it after last night's fiasco, but what's the harm in taking a shot of weak hot sauce? Like a drunk falling off the wagon, I'm back on the sauce.

No ill effects. Whew.

Tomorrow: How about another round of being a wimp.

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September 06, 2005

Day 49: Blair's After Death Sauce

A couple years ago, I had this sauce for the first time. I thought it was going to be a lot hotter than it was, because I was trying out all the Blair Hot Sauces in order. However, I had this one out of order, and was eating it after eating Sudden Death. Turns out Sudden Death is a lot hotter, and this one is just below it.

So this time around, I didn’t think it would be as hot as it was. Well! I guess eating a whole bottle in one day changes your perspective on heat levels quite quickly. Turns out this bad boy has extract in it, and is rated at almost 50,000 scoville units. HOLY SHIT. I suffered through some extremely hot eggs for breakfast. Then for lunch I suffered through an excruciating meal of 2 hot dogs. For supper, we ate out at a new restaurant and I had a chicken sandwich and fries. Wowzers!

I probably went through about 10 napkins for each meal. Blowing my nose, wiping my forehead, wiping the sauce that drooled down my face. (Once you get hot sauce on a napkin, it's no longer safe for blowing your nose!)

The flavor of this sauce isn't very noticeable. It seems to have a pretty bland tomato paste, but I the heat comes so quickly, I had no real way of telling what it tastes like.

I wish I had at least one meal where I was eating alone. This way I could eat slowly, use more sauce, and get through the bottle quicker. However, in public, I had to maintain a decent speed, and try not to look too much like a dork blowing my nose between each bite.

Because of this, when supper was over, I still had about a shot of hot sauce left at the bottom of the bottle.

When I got home that night on Labor Day, I had to go into work and get a few important things done for Tuesday. Just one of those rare times that I had to get caught up on important work. I was there until the wee hours of the morning, and made it back home at 3 a.m.

I was tempted to slide into bed and enjoy my 2 hours sleep before I had to get ready for work, but I still had some After Death hot sauce to finish.

So, I filled the shot glass, cleaned the bottle, and brought them to the computer room. I took pictures of all the empty hot sauce bottles I finished during the Labor Day weekend, and uploaded them to the computer. Then I drank the shot and got ready for bed.

Now, unlike the other extremely hot sauces I've had during the Tour de Hot Sauce, the heat burned the back of my throat immediately. There was no 2 minute delay. No 1 minute delay. It came instantly. After a few seconds, I realized I was holding my breath and started to breath again. I went to the kitchen to clean out my shot glass, wishing I could drink some milk. (I never drink milk to dull the pain, otherwise how would I truly know the intricacies of each hot sauce?)

After that, my stomach started to burn. I knew where this was heading, so I went to the bathroom to take a dump. However, after I was done, my stomach still hurt. I knew eating hot sauce on an empty stomach was a bad idea, but I didn't think it would be so bad.

So back to the kitchen I went. Screw protocol, I drank a bunch of water, and grabbed a bag of pretzels, hoping to reverse the "empty stomach" problem. But after a few pretzels, I couldn't eat any more.

I grabbed the largest Tupperware bowl I had to use as a puke bucket and went to bed. That lasted exactly 1 minute. I thought I heard my stomach expanding, but it was just the hard drive in the Tivo running. It felt like I was going to have a baby. I kept having contractions every 30 seconds. Then for 30 seconds, I'd feel better. Then the pain came back as if my stomach was going to expand and explode.

I kept trying to drink more water. And my stomach kept trying to explode. After about 30 minutes, I started to moan, and began to worry about having to go to the hospital. Imagine explaining that one.

No...I wasn't trying to kill myself."

My mouth started watering, a tell-tale sign oft learned at college that one is about to throw up. The pain was getting so bad, I refused to wait and see if I would throw up. Sticking two fingers down my throat, I made myself throw up. A gushing stream of spicy water came up and went into the sink. I did it again... more spicy water.

I drank some water, in the vain attempt to maybe dilute the pain in my stomach. I threw up spicy water 3 more times. It's true that hot sauce can burn on the way back up, but believe me, the burning pain in my mouth paled in comparison to the pain I was still feeling in my stomach.

The 6th time I threw up, I hit pay dirt. Dark red salsa-like stuff flew out my mouth, and into the sink. It was much thicker than the spicy water I had been throwing up earlier. Unfortunately, my head was tilted down while doing this, so some of it came out of my nose. That burned. Immediately my stomach felt a little better, only to be replaced by the quickest mounting pain in the back of my mouth, throat, and nose. Mixed with the stomach acid, my mouth was on FIRE!

Scrambling around like a drowned rat, I scurried to the freezer and grabbed a box of ice cream. I went to grab a spoon out of a drawer so violently, it came off the rollers and spilled all the silverware across the kitchen floor. I grabbed a spoon off the floor and ripped open the lid to the ice cream. I took a bit bite, but it was hard as a rock. I quickly filled a glass with water and started scooping ice cream into the water to make them melt a bit.

For the next 10 minutes I alternated between eating a chunk of hard ice cream, to gulping down make-shift vanilla shakes made of half melted ice cream and tap water. I barely kept ahead, fanning the flames mounting in the back of my throat. It was a scary 10 minutes. I'm just glad I have a girlfriend that likes ice cream. Otherwise, I probably would have resorted to eating ketchup straight out of the bottle, and drinking olive juice out of the jar. I was desperate.

After the fires cooled down, I put a little ice cream in a paper towel and started to wipe my face. The skin was warm and tingly. I assume some of the spicy puke water had splashed up from the sink, and into my face . After the ice cream bath, I cleaned up the mess and got my two hours of sleep.

Never again will I eat a hot sauce extract on an empty stomach.

Tomorrow: I'm going to see if Pepto-Bismol makes a hot sauce.

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