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The Smoking Tongue

August 15, 2005

Day 28: CaJohn's Hot Chocolate

Full title: "CaJohns Fiery Foods Hot Chocolate Hot Sauce"

Everyone is a virgin about all topics at one time or another. Whether it's sex, learning to swim, finding the any key, driving a stick shift, or playing 52 pick-up.

So let me give you one for free. Allow me to spare you the 5 seconds of embarrassment. For those of you that already know this, feel free to pat yourself on your smug back. However deep down, I know you're remembering that moment...

I was handed this bottle by a hot sauce maker. I remember reading the label and saying to myself, "Ah yes, I hear that heat and sweet go together. I'm not surprised he merged the two."

Yesterday at lunch, a coworker sat next to me at work, and as usual, grabbed the hot sauce bottle to sample a drop. "Chocolate? Cool!" He unscrewed the cap and quickly brought the bottle up to his nose. He accidentally touched his nose to the top, getting a drop on his nose at the same time he took a big whiff. He eyes flew open and he whipped his head back faster than a car crash. Unsure if he should be concerned about the nostril hairs burning from the vapors or the fact that he had some of this shit on his nose.

So what's the big deal? Here you go:


So what does this sauce smell like? Well let me tell you what it smelled like to me at 6 a.m. making breakfast. It smelled like I made the wrong fucking hot sauce choice, that's for sure. I seriously considered going back to the basement to pick a new sauce.

What does this hot sauce taste like? Well let me tell you what it tastes like. It takes like raw habaneros dunked in vinegar. Because that's what a chocolate habanero is. I don't even have time to bitch about the vinegar, the flames kept me way too busy.

This stuff is strong. It's a quick heat, not a builder like El Yucateco. It's runny too.

I had a small bowl for breakfast to dunk my egg sandwich in. I'd feel sorry for that egg, except I was feeling too sorry for myself. For lunch I was little better off, and put some in my rice, topped with leftover chicken. Definitely sweated that one. For supper I lucked out, only 1/5th of the bottle left. This time, rice & beans with grilled shrimp. The shrimp I left untouched, but I'd occasionally got lit up by taking a bite out of the spiked rice & beans.

Bottoms Up, Dumb Ass!
I had extra time to get to work today, so I thought I'd do a shot of this stuff before driving off to work. Bad mistake. It only took 15 seconds for the heat to start building up in the back of my throat where the shot had hit. 2 minutes later I started wondering if my tonsils were going to fall out! My spit glands were flowing, I kept swallowing, it just made it hotter. I'm not used to the back of the throat being hot, usually the tongue. So I just kept trying to clearing my throat, swallow spit, and try not to think about drinking milk.

A few minutes later the heat had subsided. So I got ready to leave and 10 minutes later I was walking out the door to drive to work, when suddenly I felt a hot poker in my gut. I didn't feel well at all, and sprinted up to the bathroom. It was there that I created an angry shit that demanded to know why it was prematurely birthed into this world. I had no answers.

At work I ended up sprinting to the bathroom at about 2 p.m. There I spent 30 minutes wiping my ass with tinfoil. The only substance capable of withstanding the acid.

This sauce is hot. I think in moderation, it'd be an easy way to spice up a meal. I think a whole bottle in one day is a bit much. I'd write more, but I need to go to the bathroom again. Seriously.

Tomorrow: The weakest sauce I can find.

Topics: , ,

10 Comments:

  • After whatching your coworker you had a shot of this suff..Your not suppose to drink it..

    By Blogger Joe, at 9:29 AM, August 16, 2005  

  • Says who?

    By Blogger Smoking Tongue, at 11:29 AM, August 16, 2005  

  • I do!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:34 AM, August 16, 2005  

  • Meaning-I shoot it too...why not! It'll be a sad day when this blog ends.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:35 AM, August 16, 2005  

  • Man I read you blog every time I see it in the mix of other blogs. I blogmarked you and I will be adding you to my site just because what your doing is remarkable. I like hot sauce but I don't think I could possiable put my ass hole through that terror.

    By Blogger Mr. Matt, at 1:25 PM, August 16, 2005  

  • I am currently in negotiations to keep my ass from seceding from the nation...

    Terror alert is at Elevated, soon to lower to only Guarded.

    By Blogger Smoking Tongue, at 2:23 PM, August 16, 2005  

  • I'm not sure I would like this stuff but I like the way you wrote about it.

    By Anonymous OldGuy, at 3:15 PM, August 16, 2005  

  • Haha! You are crazy ! Stop your blog ! Stop it NOW or you will die soon with all those little bottles!

    By Blogger Joel, at 3:21 PM, August 16, 2005  

  • As long as I'm buried in HOT SAUCE, I will be ok.

    By Blogger Smoking Tongue, at 3:33 PM, August 16, 2005  

  • I've been running across your blog on blogsoldiers for the last week or so, and as I was reading this post, I again wondered, how this man's digestive tract react to all this?

    Then I got my answer. Jeezuz pete, man. Do your pores leak hot sauce? Do you give off a vinegary odor? Do you have a girlfriend?

    I'm just teasing you. You have my respect, and I bow down to your hotsauciness.

    By Anonymous Viki, at 6:01 PM, August 16, 2005  

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