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The Smoking Tongue

August 13, 2005

Day 25: Captain Curt's Electric Sauce

Full Title: "Captain Curt's Famous Lightning Electric Hot Sauce"

Following the rule that a hot sauce is guaranteed to suck if the owner's picture is on the label, Captain Curt doesn't disappoint. As a bonus, the rest of the label is a real mystery. We've got an anchor, a boat's steering wheel, and a compass. Curt must really like lightning. A lot. We have a lightning storm background, two shazaam type lightning bolts, the words "Famous Lightning" and this sauce is "Electric".

I decided to get online and find out a little bit more about Mr. Lightning Rod. With a unique name like Captain Curt's Hot Sauce, I figured it'd be pretty easy. Not quite. Turns out there's a Captain Curt Crab Shack in Florida, and they sell a Captain Curt's Hot Sauce also! I wish these 2 luck in their future trademark war.

Looks like Captain Curt is a bit of a super hero. He runs around in a foot tall chefs hat, and wears a red cape. I guess if I had a cool outfit like that, I'd put a picture of myself on the label too! He makes a famous BBQ sauce called the Boss Sauce, which I believe is his main shtick. The hot sauce thing is probably just an afterthought.

When I first cracked this sauce open yesterday morning to pour on my pizza, I was 100% ready for this to be just another relabeled red vinegar sauce. But my hopes shot way up after pouring some out. You could tell right away it looked different. The sauce was speckled with black dots, it seemed a little bit clearer, and instead of a deep red, it had a little more of a brown tint.

However, the excitement only lasted a few seconds, because after I took a bite, I realized the alternative wasn't that much better. The flavor had a subtle Picante flavor to it, which I never have liked. The vinegar used seemed a bit sour, although not as bad as some Organic Vinegars used in some hot sauces. And there was no distinct pepper flavor to at least make the journey worth it.

So it was nice to be tasting something different, but too bad it wasn't very good.

For lunch, I poured about half the bottle into a $23 leftover entree (Took my girlfriend out to eat last night at a fancy restaurant) This act certainly brought the value of the entree down to about $5.

For supper, we actually left town to visit some friends. They were having a small outdoor party to celebrate Friday or something. Now at a shindig like this, I usually am content to "rough it" and eat things heatless. However, when you're determined to eat a bottle of hot sauce a day, you can't ignore any of the meals. I still had a 1/4th of the bottle left, and I still needed to finish it. So there we are, sitting outside on lawn chairs, hunching over our plates that are in our laps, trying not to spill. And I have this hot sauce bottle I'm trying to pour inconspicuously onto my plate, and then balance on the grass while trying to keep the dogs from licking it. Just about everyone there had to notice. And they all took turns asking about the sauce. Oh, which one is it?

How embarrassing. Why couldn't today be something manly like Blair's Death Sauce? Or something funny like Ass in Space/Tub/Snow/Fire. Nope, I have to hand over ol' Captain Curt and his flying red cape for them to inspect. Cripes.

One good thing that came out of it was someone there knew a friend of a friend of his brother's who makes their own hot sauce. He's a one-legged man living alone in a cabin by a lake way up north, and is now selling the sauce online. I'll have to look into it.

Maybe his picture is on the label...

Tomorrow: Ditka Jalapeno Sauce.

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