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The Smoking Tongue

August 31, 2005

Day 44: Jamaica Hell Fire Doc's

Full Title: "Jamaica Hell Fire - Doc's Special"

"Hottest Hellfire"
"It Comes In Colors"

Jamaica Hell Fire comes in 3 flavors, and I couldn't remember this morning if this was the hot one or not. HOLY SHIT, it sure was!

I stopped at a Culver's restaurant today for lunch, and the first french fry I dipped into this sauce stopped me dead in my tracks! It was so damn hot, it took 45 minutes to finish my meal! (I timed it) I went through 11 napkins and spilled one saucy fry on my pants during that time. I must have looked like a freak in there. Whole families had ordered, eaten, and left while I sat there eating one french fry every 30 seconds, and crying between each one.

So the fries were HOT, but eating the chicken sandwich was a little easier. Either my tongue was smoked out by then, or the mayo and bread helped a bit. But those fries.... never has a hot sauce name truly lived up to the description: Hell Fire.

Supper was tough, too. I had 40% of the bottle left, and put huge amounts on 2 hot dogs. The rest I poured into a bowl of Mac & Cheese, and let me tell you, I've never had Mac & Cheese taste so scary before. If a kid grabbed that bowl by accident, they would never eat Mac & Cheese ever again. That's if they ever got released out of the hospital.

This is definitely the most painful hot sauce I've had so far on the Tour de Hot Sauce. When I had CaJohn's Chocolate Hab sauce, the shot really killed me, but it mixed well into foods. This stuff, however, has the thickness, flavor, and consistency of El Yucateco's XXXtra Hot Sauce, but was even hotter. Most of the foods I ate had this sauce right on top, meaning direct contact with the tongue. However, even mixing it into Mac & cheese couldn't hide the heat at all. There was just no hiding from the pain. I was actually afraid I might fail during lunch after that first bite. Instead of a small 4 ounce bottle that El Yucateco comes in, I was looking at a hefty 5.15 ounce bottle.

After supper I waited at least a half hour for my mouth and stomach to cool down before I even thought about slamming this shot. When I finally did slam it down, I swallowed immediately, nothing hitting the tongue. It wasn't as hot as I expected, but then again, I didn't gargle it this time. I really feel like I dodged a bullet this time.

There's a lot of confusion out there about these Jamaica Hell Fire sauces. For instance, until today, I thought there were only two flavors. Turns out they only sell two of them in this town. The second sauce I have is called "4 in 1", and I guess the third one is called "2 in 1".

At MoHotta MoBetta web site, they list this sauce at 5,720 scoville units. And I'm here to vehemently state that there is no way in hell that is correct. I found a couple references on the internet stating that the stateside version of this sauce is weak, and the 'real' one has to be purchased in Jamaica. I have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, they have now released the 'real' version in the USA. That would make sense. Plus, I found references that Dr. Duphorn Johnston now makes these sauces in Tampa, Florida.

"It Comes In Colors" is a VERY odd saying on the label. However, I know I've seen this sauce come in a redder color in the past. Perhaps that was the 'weaker' version.

And lastly, by tracking the mailing address, I found out Mrs. Dog's Hot Sauces has the same address. Turns out they're selling this sauce (but only the Doc Special) as their own. They also list the sauce at only 5,720 scovilles. I've asked some questions, hopefully I'll find out some day.

You can't make this stuff up. Someone posted information and pictures of their surgery scars, and then for fun they mocked up an action doll with Doc's Hell Fire on the neck to represent his injury. How cool is that? I think maybe I can merge this idea with the infamous Lego Porn, and make action scenes from movies that require blood (hot sauce).

Tomorrow: Blair's Original Death Sauce

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August 30, 2005

Day 43: Hooters Hot Sauce

It's hot. It's saucy. It's just the way you like it! And Hooters Hot Sauce tastes great on anything - even a spoon! If you want to prove that you're a discriminating host/hostess - every table setting should include a bottle of this, our finest. Or, you could take everybody to Hooters for dinner and accomplish the same thing."

Hahaha! That's funny.
It's not hot, and I don't know about you, but the idea of having this on my dining room table at home when guests come by probably would say something about me, but probably not what they were hinting at here! Discriminating Host - yea right! It'll look great right by my Girls-of-Hooters Calendar.

Also, I don't ever remember them having this hot sauce on their restaurant tables. It's always this Country Bob's All Purpose sauce (or something similar). Either they know it doesn't go good with anything, or it's too expensive to give out for free. Country Bob must be cheap.

This sauce doesn't taste all that good. It's a lot redder and a lot thicker than a normal red vinegar sauce. They have brown sugar as one of their ingredients, and it's either this, or the type of peppers they use that makes for a different flavor. I couldn't find anything that it would go good with. They don't list food coloring as an ingredient, but I'd be surprised if they didn't dye up the red.

For breakfast I ate the ham sandwich that I had brought in for lunch. The sauce actually reminded me a lot of yesterday's "Pain Is Good" sauce, except this was closer to a normal vinegar hot sauce.

For lunch I had just a few big dashes on my stuffed mushrooms. This left a lot left over for supper to use.

Since this sauce didn't taste good with anything, I decided to try the old Clam Chowder trick. Just look at that beautiful non-white color. Ironically, the one time I like the flavor of vinegar coming through, I find out this sauce just didn't have enough vinegar to give the desired effect. It didn't ruin it, but it was kind of boring. And even though the bagel sandwich here looks like it's overflowing with hot sauce, it was too dry. Just not enough sauce left over to make a difference. (Not that I think that would have made a big difference) All I succeeded in doing was making a mess of myself. I'm a shitty chef, but at least I'm not a shitty hot sauce maker like Hooters.

Believe it or not, this was the best way to taste the sauce. It actually had a smooth mellow aftertaste, and was a much better experience than when it clashed with the food. I had no complaints, it tasted just fine. I guess next time some fool of a friend gives this to you as a gift, just break out a straw, and start sipping!

Tomorrow: Jamaica Hell Fire - Doc's Special

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August 29, 2005

Day 42: Pain Is Good - Louisiana

Full title: "Pain is Good - Louisiana Style - Batch #218 Hot Sauce"

I have a real soft spot for these sauces. I think the packaging is a stroke of genius. It seems to me that they spent a lot of money to get that "didn't spend much money" look. But it works! First, we have most obvious thing: The grimacing faces. The Larry, Curly, and Moe of pain. You can recognize them a mile away, and it embodies the exact feeling chileheads love (Or love seeing others do). It's also a head turner. People are used to seeing me walking around at work with a bottle of hot sauce, but I'll actually get into lengthy discussions when walking around with one of these.

Next, we have the flask shape of the bottle. Nothing comes closer to drinking booze at work, than drinking hot sauce from a booze-looking bottle.

Lastly, the label itself looks like it was cut from a paper sack to give it that rugged look, when in fact it’s probably one of the more sturdy labels I've seen. Even the heat shrink is engraved, and thick as champagne packaging.

The only downside is the cost of the sauces. $4.69 is what I paid locally for mine. Even though I'm getting 1.5 ounces more than normal, that's still expensive. Especially if I'm going to eat the whole thing in one day.

Today's sauce is the Louisiana Style. It's thick, has a heavy tomato base, tangy, and doesn't really taste like anything specific. Kind of like a failed V8 experiment. I also didn't make the same face as the guy on the label. It's not hot at all.

Since I screwed up at work on Sunday, I brought in bagels for everyone on Monday. I snagged one and called it my breakfast. I smeared some of their Jalapeno Salsa flavored cream cheese on it, and then poured some of this hot sauce on a plate, and dipped my bagel in it. Not very exciting.

For lunch I had brought in a ham & cheese sandwich which I dipped into this sauce. Not very exciting.

For supper I poured the last of the sauce on some spaghetti. A better match, but nothing worth repeating. Due to the cost of the sauce, lack of heat, lack of flavor, I can't really recommend this sauce. The label does kick ass though. (A little chewy, though.)

The first thing I noticed while pouring this shot was how thick the sauce was. Only a little runnier than spaghetti sauce. I was unable to drink it in one swallow, and had to settle for two. Drinking it straight is pretty horrible, and I felt like throwing up when I bit into a mystery chunk. Probably a tomato. It's too tangy, and doesn't remind me anything of my beloved Louisiana style hot sauces.

Original Juan Specialty Foods are the proud owners of Pain Is Good. They also have BBQ sauces, Con Quesos, Salsas, Pasta Sauces, Bloody Mary Mixes, Nuts, Trail Mix, and Spices under this label. Whew.

More Pain I can't wait to eat:

Pain Is Good - Jamaican Style Hot Sauce
Pain Is Good - Garlic Style Hot Sauce
Pain Is Good - Honey Cayenne Mustard Sauce
Pain Is Good - Jalapeno Harissa Sauce
Pain Is Good - Jalapeno Wasabi Sauce

Original Juan also has other brands, and is still acquiring new ones:

- Fiesta
- Bilardo Brothers
- Mama Capri
- Texas Longhorn
- Jose Goldstein
- Frontier Traders
- Cajun Bayou
- Dos Hombres
- Kansas City's Cowtown

And they're also responsible for these hot sauces:

The Source
Da' Bomb - Beyond Insanity
Da' Bomb - Ground Zero
Da' Bomb - Final Answer
Pain 85%
Pain 95%
Pain 100%
Raw Heat
99% Hot Sauce
Fire & Spice
Bite Me
XTreme Hot Sauce
Quest For Fire XXX Hot Sauce
Raw Heat Vintage 69

Tomorrow: Hooters Hot Sauce


Day 41: Cajun Sunshine

Full Name: "Cajun Sunshine Hot Pepper Sauce (TryMe)"

"Spicy CAJUN Kick"

So here we have another TryMe brand sauce from Reily Foods. To be honest, I was so busy today, that I wasn't able to give this sauce much of a chance. I skipped breakfast so that I'd be hungry for lunch. Lunch was at a friend's house that was throwing a little party. I was just looking forward to having chips & cheese dip. Not much opportunity to use the sauce.

They did have a pulled pork type sandwich there. However, it was nothing like I've ever had. It was BBQ-y, and extremely runny. You know those little weenies you eat with toothpicks, floating in BBQ sauce? Kind of like that. When a sandwich is already runny, it's hard to add a runny hot sauce. I did anyway. However, besides a slight tangy taste that didn't help the flavor at all, I couldn't taste much of it.

When we left, I took home the rest of the cheese dip and basically had chips and cheese for supper before it hardened (I forgot to mention that I made it!) At least here, in the comfort of my own home, I was able to add hot sauce to the cheese dip and stir it up. However, the flavor of the cheese dip was much stronger than the hot sauce, so it was another non issue. I was so full, I had no room for real food to try it with.

It wasn't until the final shot of the night, that I could finally taste the sauce in all it's glory. And this has to be the lamest attempt I've ever seen in making a sauce "unique". What we have here is an average tasting Louisiana style vinegar sauce. Very similar to Original Louisiana. BUT!! they added floating red pepper flakes. Like the kind you find in shakers at a pizza joint. Tada! A new sauce.

Tomorrow life goes back to normal, and I'll be able to actually taste the sauces again on real food. I like it much better that way.

Tomorrow: Pain is Good.

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August 28, 2005

Day 40: Uncle Dougie's Hab Mustard

Full Name: "Uncle Dougie's Bada-Boom! Habanero Mustard Hot Sauce"

I actually thought I was being a pussy today by going with this sauce. In my left hand was a sauce called, "Holy Shit". And in the other a Muuuuustard, of all things. After seeing on the internet that the Holy Shit was indeed a Holy Hell extract, and nasty tasting to boot, I went with the mustard.

How pleasantly surprised I was to be sweating & sniffing after only a few bites. This sauce is HOT. Damn, it even gave me the hiccups, and I only get that when a raw pepper sneaks up on me. (It's hard not to choke to death when hiccupping and shoveling food in at the same time)

When I ate breakfast, there were seeds and chunks of habaneros everywhere. I enthusiastically used my forked bread to scrape up every drop on that plate. Even though this has a mustard base, it put other habanero-carrot sauces to shame.

Here's a Humungo Breakfast that counts as lunch too. I took the rest of a loaf of hot pizza bread I picked up at a special corner market. 5-egg omelet sliced 3 layers high. Then 3/4th the bottle of the Habanero Mustard Hot Sauce. I was misguided in thinking I would pick this up like a normal sandwich. After a few near accidents, I just laid into it with a fork.

This is how to eat a hot dog. Smother Habanero Mustard sauce on it so deep, that you can't see it. Lit my eyes up on every bite. I can't recommend this sauce enough. I don't even care if they relabeled this sauce from somewhere else, because everyone should be relabeling this stuff. Boring mustards are so 1990. I'd like to show up in the Grey Poupon Mustard in a limo, and shoot a flame thrower out the window. That would be a great commercial.

Pardon me... but do you have any Grey Pou.... *SWOOOOSH*

Tomorrow: Not sure yet, too many plans.

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August 27, 2005

Day 39: Spaghetti Western Habanero

Full title: "Santa Fe Spaghetti Western Foods - Hell-Raising Habanero"

This sauce smells weird. There's something familiar about it, but after a couple seconds, I'm starting to really doubting my memory. Maybe it was a childhood memory I'm trying to suppress. Like the time my parents locked me in a closet all weekend and I crapped my pants-type-smell.

Water, Apple Juice, Lemon Juice, Soy Sauce, Sake, Sugar. Holy shit, that's an ingredient list? That sounds more like the sludge you find at the bottom of a forgotten Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge! Finally, the next 2 ingredients: Red Chile Powder & Habanero Powder. Jeez, they didn't even use any real peppers. Just powder. That's like making Kool Aid and selling it as wine!! (And I don't mean the crappy wine like Mad Dog, but the good shit that comes in a box!)

For lunch I ruined a perfect opportunity to spruce up a BBQ Cookout with a delicious hot sauce. Instead I am soaking this brown runny sludge up into my hot dog bun, and mixing it into my baked beans. The flavor is thankfully weak and subdued. It's not terrible, but it's not great either.

For supper, we ate at a Friday Fish Fry. I put some in my hash browns, and the rest into the tartar sauce & fish. It's sad how I'm trying to spread and mix this sauce through the food as thin as possible so as to not ruin the flavor of the food. It should be the other way around.

Well, I've sat here with this shot glass in front of me for long enough. Time to cowboy up. At least I used too much during supper, and only had enough left for 1/2 a shot glass. Well... here goes...

OH, what the fuck was that?! Imagine swallowing luke warm soy sauce mixed with bad apple juice. Damn, that was nasty.
I guess to be fair, people usually aren't chugging their recipe ingredients. This could technically fall under a soy sauce category. I suppose when the experts choose the best olive oils in the world, they aren't drinking them straight out of the bottle.

Serving Suggestions: Add a dash of excitement to any meal. Brighten up omelets and other egg dishes. A natural for stir-fry, barbeque or steamed veggies!! Also great added to almost any dip.

Yea, I just had a whole shot glass of excitement. No thanks. You guys are seriously deluded. Finding a rotten soy sauce packet at the bottom of a Happy Wok dumpster would taste better than this.

I'm unable to find anything on the internet about these guys. No one sells it, except a place getting rid of old stock 1/2 price (Hey! That's where I got it!) I guess the good news is that they aren't ruining any of the other food groups out there!

Tomorrow: Uncle Dougie's Mustardy

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August 25, 2005

Day 38: Ditka's Real Hot Sauce

So the weekend is coming up, and you never know when I might find myself back in a Mexican Restaurant doing some chest thumping. I thought it would be a good idea to have the other Ditka sauce NOW, instead of being embarrassed by it at a restaurant.

What can I say about a vinegar sauce that I haven't already said before? It's quite vinegary. Not much heat. I wonder who made this for Ditka Foods? There is no way the "chefs" at Ditka's restaurant sat around talking about which red vinegar sauce recipe they would use, and then go through the trouble of making a sauce that tastes exactly like every other boring red vinegar sauce. Who makes this shit? Is there one huge ass refinery somewhere in America making all these sauces? Is it an alien conspiracy?

For lunch I had roasted chicken, mashed potatoes with green gravy, and corn. I poured some sauce on the corn, pretended it was salt. I poured a bunch of the sauce on the potatoes and mixed it in really good until it was light red. The chicken was much harder, since the sauce is runny. So I finished the corn first, so that I could pour some sauce straight into the empty bowl. Then I dunked each bite of chicken into the bowl of hot sauce to get a decent coating. In this way, I was able to finish 1/2 the bottle during lunch.

Supper was much better. I've had a can of Clam Chowder soup sitting in my cupboard for quite some time, just waiting for this moment. There is nothing better than mixing red vinegar sauce into Clam Chowder! The more the merrier. Make sure it's a disgustingly good shade of red.

Bottoms Up!
I brushed my teeth and crawled into bed last night at about 1 in the morning. Right before I drifted off to sleep, I remembered that I hadn't finished the bottle yet! I dragged myself back out of bed and headed for the kitchen. There's nothing quite so tart as a red vinegar sauce after brushing your teeth. And eating on an empty stomach in the middle of the night. To top it off, this shot glass didn't quite finish it off. There was still some left. With no food available, I had to fill the shot glass back up to half full and finish it off.

MMMMmm! Now that's what I call a midnight snack.

Tomorrow: Spaghetti Western

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August 24, 2005

Day 37: CaJohn's Chipotle Hot Sauce

Holy BBQ, Batman!
I had to re-read the side of the bottle to make sure I hadn't bought a BBQ sauce. However, it did say Hot Sauce. That's really stretching it, though. I wouldn't be surprised if you could get more bang for your buck by ordering CaJohn's CaBoom Bayou-Q Chipotle 16 ounce bottle of BBQ sauce. They're probably the same thing. (And after tasting this bottle of hot sauce, I would actually HOPE they're the same thing--it's really good)

I am also certain that this sauce can also be found relabeled as CaJohn's Hot Spots - Ember hot sauce. It's been over a year ago since I had it, but something this unique you can remember for years.

So as much as I'd like to complain about this not being a hot sauce, I was just too busy enjoying it. I skipped breakfast, but for lunch I had a cold pasty. It was a real treat dunking this handheld food item into my BBQ sauce. Err..hot sauce.

This sauce is thick. Extremely thick. In fact, I ran into a problem trying to get any sauce out of the bottle. First, it had been refrigerated, so it was extra slow. Second, the small air pocket in the sauce was stuck deep down in the bottle. It could not crack the opening of the bottle's stem, and literally had to be shaken out vigorously to get the flow going.

Besides tasting just like BBQ sauce, it has a nice smoky flavor, and a decent chipotle kick. Kick as in flavor, not heat. I'm not a huge fan of certain chipotle sauces, but had NO problems enjoying the flavor of this one. This is highly recommended, and yes, probably would go better as a marinade, and slathered on for barbequing chicken.

As usual, I wished it was hotter.

You are witnessing the patience a possum. It took a good five minutes holding the bottle in this position to get the last of the sauce out to fill up my shot glass. It clung to the sides like sap, and didn't want to let go.
Extremely dark brown in color, this sauce almost looks black. Smells exactly like BBQ sauce. I'm starting to think maybe this shot would go better on some ribs...
All gone, but you can still see how the thick sauce sticks to the side. swallowing this sauce was gave me a BBQ hangover. It's extremely tangy, and the heat lingered on my tongue for quite a few minutes. I take back my complaint that this was only a BBQ sauce in a small bottle. It's a very spicy BBQ sauce in a bottle.

I don't know how I was able to talk my girl friend into trying this sauce out, but she had the tiniest drop smeared on her finger and tasted it. She said she could feel the heat. ??. Mortals... I'll never fathom it.

Tomorrow: Ditka's Red Vinegar Sauce

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August 23, 2005

Day 36: Vigo Calypso Heat

Full title: "Vigo Flavorful Fire Calypso Heat Hot Sauce"

Antonino Alessi started his own importing business in 1947, creating the Vigo-Alessi company. They provide a wide variety of food items ranging from olives, spices, breads, etc, and specializing in Italian foods and Spanish foods. They also make 3 hot sauces.

"Although most hot sauces are celebrated for their fiery attributes, many are so hot that they conceal the flavor of the foods they are sprinkled on. Enthusiasts now realize that heat must be balanced with flavor. This is accomplished in all three of the Vigo Hot Sauces. The Calypso Heat Hot Sauce uses Habanero & Jalapeno Peppers and is tempered with the tropical tang of mango. Our hot sauces add an attention-grabbing level of heat, but at the same time, a bit of tropical flavor."

Nope, no you don't. I am always hearing hot sauce vendors bitch about heat, and then proclaim that "it's all about the flavor". Heat tempered with flavor. Heat balanced with flavor. We're the only ones.... Blah, blah, blah. That's great and everything, and variety makes the world go 'round. But don't tell me that you have an attention-grabbing level of heat, when in fact you forgot all about it. I rank it at about a drool-dripping snoring level of heat. If you want to make a sweet mango jelly, then call it a jelly. It's not much of a HOT sauce. And since when did jalapenos and habaneros not taste delicious?

While getting ready to take the final shot of the night, I couldn't help but see a bit of an artistic light show coming from the shot glass.

I used 3/4th of the bottle during lunch. Guess what I put it on? Mostaccioli & Meatballs. You'd think that a sweet hot sauce wouldn't go well in a dish like this. However, the sauce was such a non-issue it didn't change the flavor at all. Truly a ghost sauce.

Bottoms Up!
Sniffing this sauce will probably end up having your nose dunk into it. It smells great. To be honest, this sauce had all the markings of an organic vinegar sauce "genre", which is nasty. However, this had a pleasant smell of apple cider, mangos, or something too subtle to put my finger on. The flavor results in the same guessing game. Sweet & teasing. The vinegar in this sauce is not an issue, you can hardly tell it's there. Even though it tastes sweet and pleasant, it's too subdued. It's gone before it even started.

Two other sauces that Vigo makes:

Vigo Cinco De Mayo Hot Sauce
Vigo Tropical Hot Sauce

Tomorrow: CaJohn's Chipotle Sauce

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August 22, 2005

Day 35: Melinda's XXXtra Hot

Full title: "Melinda's Original Habanero - XXXtra Hot - Hot Sauce"

It's been a long time since I've had this sauce, but I don't remember liking it. However, this is the one. This is the Melinda Hot Sauce that doesn't have to be afraid to call itself a hot sauce. It has just enough habaneros in it to declare its undeniable existence. It has that faint smell all quality sauces have: habaneros... lots of them.

That being said, depending on your heat tolerance and the type of food it's on, will depend on how hot this is for you. For lunch I put 1/2 the bottle on some hash browns. Could hardly tell it was there. For supper I put 1/4th on a plate and dipped my pasties into it. The heat lit up my mouth! How bizarre. Quite enjoyable!

Biggest complaint is that it was still runny. You can't put it on anything and have it stick. It runs off to the bottom of the plate. It's also lighter in color than I would have expected at this heat level. If only it had even more habs and a thicker stick to it, I bet a healthier orange or red would have been in order. However, I'd take my hat off and salute any of the normal Melinda carrot lovers that eat this sauce. It's gotta be hot for these mere mortals.

Bottoms Up!
Runnier that it looks. The habanero flavor does its very best to cover up the tart, tangy vinegar puckering your lips jump to. Unlike the heat I felt during supper, I didn't really feal much of a lingering heat here. Guess it was so runny, it slid down the gullet too quickly.

Could anyone in the world do a Pepsi taste test and figure out which Melinda sauce they were tasting? They're all the same! Oooh, this one is 0.001% hotter.

Tomorrow: Vigo Calypso Heat

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August 21, 2005

Day 34: Uncle Dougie's Chipotle

Full title: "Uncle Dougie's Bang! Zoom! Habanero Chipotle Hot Sauce"

I've been living in this city for 4 years, and I have my grocery stores memorized to the point of having a heart attack whenever they rearrange anything. So it's not a surprise that I watch their hot sauce shelves like a hawk, week after week, vainly hoping for a new sauce to arrive. It never happens. The only reason I justify peeking is because I'm in that aisle anyways to pick up mustard and ketchup.

Well, after 4 years of waiting, it looks like this particular store got a kick in the nuts and added quite a few all at once. I found 3 whimsically labeled sauces from "Uncle Dougie's". I guess it's from an outfit on the outskirts of Chicago in a town called Barrington. It doesn't look like they have their own website, so information on them is pretty sparse. It looks like they might also run "You Name It! Foods", which will relabel their crappy sauces with your own crappy label.

I must not have looked at this Chipotle very closely. I was expecting a runny, brown sauce. Instead, it surprised me with a chunky, relish type sauce. In fact, the consistency and flavor completely reminded my the Pyromania Hot Sauce, which I just had the day before. However, this sauce has a little more chipotle flavor, less sour relish taste, a little more runny, and a lot less heat. "Son of Pyromania".

Bottoms Up!
Not a terribly enjoyable sauce, but I've had worse. It was OK. These chunks looks similar to yesterday's Pyromania, except this time I didn't need to chew it up before swallowing (whew!)

Although I didn't detect any measurable heat while eating this sauce on food, I had a nice mellow burn for a couple minutes after drinking this shot.

Tomorrow: Melinda's XXXtra Hot.

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Day 33: Pyromania Hot Sauce

This sauce is made by Garden Row Foods, who are also responsible for Pure Cap and Endorphin Rush. Evil mothers, aren’t they?

”Wanna Play With Fire?”

I’ll admit, I couldn’t remember if this sauce was hot or not, so I brought a backup bottle of hot sauce with me when we went to the restaurant. I shouldn’t have worried. Even though the label on this sauce looks quite foreboding, it was really just a little pussy cat.

Thick as hell, this bottle needs some shaking to give up the goods. I had most of the bottle on some thick cut fries and a Cajun Chicken Sandwich. For supper, I put the rest of it on a slice of cold pizza. It’s thick, sticks to your food, and you can see practically every ingredient in monster chunk size versions.

This stuff kind of tastes like a hot relish gone sour & rotten. Not a very flattering description. The only thing that kept this sauce from being a puke fest was the heat. It was just hot enough to make it worth eating. I can only imagine how hot it might be to the Tabasco crowd.

Bottoms Up!
Now tell me what other sauce you can pile up like this? As you can see, this sauce is extremely thick & chunky. This is also the first shot of hot sauce I've done where I actually had to chew it before swallowing it! Ack!

However, the heat from this sauce gave an extremely pleasurable 3 minute burn.

Quite a wide, unrelated range of sauces put out by Garden Row Foods:

Brutal Bajan
Cafe Louisiana Hottr N' Hell
Endorphin Rush
Helen's Sweet & Hot
Hot N' Honey
Mongo Sauce
Tongues Of Fire
Pure Cap
Tres Hermanos

Tomorrow: Uncle Dougie's Habanero Chipotle

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August 20, 2005

Day 32: Louisiana Original

Full Title: The Original Louisiana "The Perfect" Hot Sauce

"One Drop Does It"

How could I forget this classic during my first week of the Tour de Hot Sauce? Back in the days when a bottle of hot sauce would actually last me a couple weeks (When I was 2), this was the sauce I used. Although this is a vinegar sauce, and is certainly similar to Tabasco and other red vinegar sauces, there is a slight difference. It falls under the Louisiana-style genre. I’ve got no idea what the difference is in the ingredient list, I just know there is a flavor common in these type of sauces that set them apart. And I’m a big fan. Or at least I was.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much heat for those with much kung fu. And in an attempt to expand their product line (Like Tabasco did) they botched the job and made some of the most vile tasting sauces in the world. For instance, I would never try to eat the Red Chili flavored one in one day. Is there anyone in the world that buys that sauce repeatedly? I hope not.

Although I was looking forward to having this childhood sauce of mine, I really bungled it today. Unknown to me, we ended up eating at a Chinese Buffet. And although the smell of the sauce wafting up to my nose was heaven, it really doesn’t go well with this kind of food. At all. It’s a shame, because there’s a few sauces that I’ve been saving up for this occasion that would have gone great. (Dragon & Tiger sauces, Picka Pepper, etc)

Anyway, I lived through it. And another day is gone.

Bottoms Up!
Not bad. Would rather eat it on food. Too much vinegar for my liking, but smoothed out by the Louisiana style flavor that I have no clue on how to describe. Why does this sometimes remind me of what blood tastes like?

Other flavors that don’t live up to the original:

Louisiana Original - Red Chili
Louisiana Original - Roasted Garlic
Louisiana Original - Chipotle
Louisiana Original - Roasted Pepper
Louisiana Original - Jalapeno
Louisiana Original - Habanero

Tomorrow: Pyromania


August 19, 2005

Day 31: Marie Sharp's Fiery Hot

Full title: Marie Sharp's Habanero Pepper Sauce - Fiery Hot".

Couldn't help myself. I just had to crack open the 2nd Marie Sharp bottle yesterday. And just like the first one, it was great. Maybe I should have tried them side by site, because they were so similar, I couldn't really tell any difference. This one was a little hotter, but to be honest, I couldn't really tell.

Lunch was perfect. A coworker and I went to the Qdoba grill, and nothing says "Eat a whole bottle of hot sauce" quite like a fake Tex Mex restaurant. This sauce is so light, fresh and zingy, that I probably could have eaten 5 bottles today.

A few days ago, I was running low on hot sauces. Mostly vinegar sauces to choose from. To stock up, I drove to a grocery store on the other side of town. The good news is that I was able to buy 10 new bottles. The bad news is that they no longer carried Walker's Wood Scotch Bonnet hot sauce. I guess I'll have to keep my eyes open elsewhere.

I didn't think the store would have so many new bottles, so I was without a cart or hand basket to carry them in. I juggled them in my hands and arms to the front, with only a few odd glances, mostly from the employees. At the front, I got into the express lane, which unfortunately is not fast at this store. There is always a problem. I've been held up by coupon fights, first-day-on-the-job cashiers, food stamp confusion, check cashers, lottery addicts, and the I-know-I-have-a-penny-here-somewhere grannies.

This time it was my own fault. I thought I'd save time and get into the short lane at aisle 6. Turns out the customer was just short, and had 500 items in her cart. By the time I got back to the express lane, I lost 5 places.

As I finally became 2nd in line, and was able to line up all the bottles on the checkout counter and give my arms a break. As the person in front of me started to argue about the change, I dozed off. Suddenly the lady behind me started to talk to me: "Are you going to do some cooking?"

I looked at her weird. Oh, the hot sauces! "No, I just put them on food. If I wanted to cook, I'd use hot peppers".

She then proceeded to tell me she used to be from New Orleans, nothing but hot sauce country. She said I should move there. I told her to go to hell. Oh wait, she wasn't being mean about it! No, I was nice. I wanted to mention this web site, but didn't think I'd have time. Turns out I had plenty of time as the person in front of me eventually conceded that 17 subtracted from 100 was indeed 83 cents.

So a young guy rang me up, charged me 18 bucks, and asked if I was going to do some cooking. Huh? What's up with cooking with hot sauces? Never would have occurred to me. Then again, I suppose it's more plausible than eating one every day.

Bottoms Up!
My girlfriend walked in on me taking a picture of this sauce. Busted. She accused me of being a drunk, and wanted to know what in the hell I was drinking. I told her it was hot sauce, and for a..... review.

"Oh, ok".

It wasn't until I drank this shot that I could feel the heat difference between the two hot sauces. This one definitely burned a bit brighter, and lingered a lot longer. It was a very nice linger.

Tomorrow: Louisiana Original

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August 18, 2005

Day 30: Marie Sharp's Hot Sauce

Full title: "Marie Sharp's Habanero Pepper Sauce - Hot"

Let me just cut to the chase here and say that this hot sauce tastes so damn good. I feel like I've been in a desert with nothing to drink, and suddenly fell into a pond of sparkling mineral water. Full of mermaids. Giving BJ's. Ok, maybe not that good, but it's damn good.

Without a doubt, this sauce has been the best I've had during this Tour de Hot Sauce. I've had it before, but it must have been a long time ago, because how else could I forget how good it was? It definitely goes into my top 10 of all time.

The cool thing is, this isn't even the hottest one. "Made In Belize" it says on the label, and they're not messing around over there! There is no concern about the delicate American tongues. Although it didn't burn my tongue, I definitely felt some heat, and this is one of the lower end sauces. Can't wait to try the next notch up tomorrow.

This sauce also falls under a certain genre of hot sauces. I like to call it the "Carrot" genre. Using carrots as a main ingredient is a great way to build a smooth, sweet tasting sauce that compliments the habaneros. Most of Melinda's sauces could fall under this, along with a few other delicious brands. However, there is a sliding scale involved, between the amount of habaneros used verses the amount of carrots. Melinda's would be on the bunny rabbit side, and Marie's would be on the ass kicking side.

One other thing I never really put too much thought into until today, was that most of Marie Sharp's labels have a nice picture of all the ingredients used on the front. The ingredient list of this bottle is: carrots, red habaneros, onions, garlic and lime. The picture shows all of them.

Action Shot!
You don't have to own a blog where you eat a bottle a day to be able to eat a whole bottle of Marie's. It's so good, this is what your breakfast would look like too.

For lunch we had some free food at work. Crackers, cheese, and salami slices. I poured some on each bite. Went great with everything, even veggies.

For supper I had hardly any left. Very sad. Goes great with potatoes & brats. Had to save the rest for the shot glass.

It's not often you want seconds when doing shots of hot sauce. This was definitely one of those times. Marie Sharp's sauce is so thick, that if it was any thicker, you'd have to suck it out with a straw. If you zoom in on this picture, you can see the consistency is similar to an Orange Slushy. In fact, I'm wondering if I could make a slushy out of this if I put some in the freezer. I would definitely buy one if they had it at my local convenience store. And then they'd go out of business after being sued by a hundred kids and their angry moms.

The doesn't stop there, I can't wait to try these:

Marie Sharp's - No Wimps Allowed Hot Sauce
Marie Sharp's - Orange Pulp Habanero Hot Sauce
Marie Sharp's - Green Habanero with Prickly Pears
Marie Sharp's - Grapefruit Pulp Habanero Hot Sauce
Marie Sharp's - Habanero Pepper Sauce - Fiery Hot
Marie Sharp's - Habanero Pepper Sauce - Mild
Marie Sharp's - Belizean Heat
Marie Sharp's - Beware Comatose Heat Level

Tomorrow: Marie Sharp's Fiery Hot.

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August 17, 2005

$20 Spicy Chef Challenge #2

Victim: Durango's
Winner: No one.

On Saturday we were out of town visiting family. For weeks they've been telling me about this excellent Mexican restaurant in their town that we just HAVE to try. They have such a HOT hot sauce bottle there! We do some research, as I analyze their descriptions and we go through my collection. When we finally narrow it down, I'm impressed. If this place puts this bottle on every table, then they ain't messing around. They also make killer margaritas. They think gringos like Mango, so that is what you get when you ask for one. If you specify a flavor, they might understand your English and give you the right one. But it's never very strong. The Mango ones, however, are pipin' drunk.

Can't wait to go.

"Please come this way, my friends," The host said.

He seated us at a booth, and all 4 of us got in. He saw my hot sauce bottle and grabbed it, "Can I see your sauce, my friend?"

Uh... sure. How embarrassing, It's the weak green Ditka sauce.

"You should try our sauce, my friend."

I nod and agree. "I've had it before, it's very hot", I say. It's the XXXTra El Yucateco sauce. I just ate a whole bottle of it a few days ago.

Three other waiters or staff walk by and they all take big interest in my hot sauce. I meekly say it's weak, yes it's got jalapenos in it. I just can't explain that I'm stuck with the bottle today because I have to eat a bottle a day, every day.

"You should try our sauce," they all say, pointing to the El Yucateco.

Argh! In hind sight, I should have taken a HUGE swig of the El Yucateco. Poured a huge amount on a chip and eaten it in front of them. But instead, all I can think about is saving my taste buds for the big challenge. Not to mention I need to tap this Ditka sauce to hit my quota today.

We finally order, and I order last: "....and if you could make this so spicy that I can't finish it, I'll give the chef twenty dollars." Blank stare. "It's like a challenge." Crickets chirp. I repeat the story.

"Err.... So you would like it very spicy, my friend?"

Yes. Very Hot. Muerte. I make a finger across the throat sign.

My shoulders slump. He has no clue what I said. I feel like an idiot. His English is much better than my Spanish, so I'm not complaining at all. I wish I'd get off my ass and learn Spanish again. Or hadn't sluffed off in High School and College in the subject.

The meal comes, and he puts everyone's food down. A few minutes later he comes by with more drinks and says to me, "I didn't make your meal very spicy, my friend."

No? Why not? I try to give my most crestfallen face as I pour the rest of my sauce on the burrito. He doesn't answer.

To be honest, it tastes really good. Ironically it's hotter than the first time I tried this. I can tell they jacked up some peppers in the meal, and damn if it doesn't go good with the beef & chicken. But it's only a sucker punch. Nothing too crazy. I make the most of it and go back to enjoying the meal with everyone.

After I finish without any problems he comes by and apologizes. It turns out that he had a person before boast loudly and arrogantly to make it very very spicy. They obliged and the guy couldn't eat it. So they made him another one.

Thanks a lot asshole, whoever you are. Now, I know this stuff happens, and I certainly don't want to put any of these guys out. It's a business, and they shouldn't have to remake food for free because someone got what they asked for. And that's why I try to emphasize when I order that I'd be PLEASED when I couldn't finish it. That I'd pay them MORE money if I can't finish it. Hell, I can eat chips and salsa if I have to. My girlfriend hates rice & beans, and she'd give me that if I was hungry. Anyway, all of this was simply lost because of the language barrier. Not to mention the pussy Ditka sauce that I brought in.

I truly missed an opportunity to wow them with the El Yucateco sauce.

"My friend, next time you are here, we will make it very, very spicy."

I look forward to it!

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August 16, 2005

Day 29: Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

As a tribute to my poor ass the day before, I decided to eat this sauce yesterday. "Kiss Your Ass Goodbye".

Ironically, not hot at all. On the one hand you have this relabeled red vinegar sauce from Peppers with no heat, trying to act big & tough with a funny label. Then on the other hand you have a most humble, innocent label from CaJohn's, containing a sauce that could stop an elephant in his tracks.

I'm pleased to say that all is quiet on the gastronomical front.

For lunch, I poured half the bottle into my soup, for a not unpleasant saucy taste. For supper, I had so many left over tacos that I had no sauce left over for the shot glass. Oh Darn! I was so looking forward for another shot.

The internet is a great place for information. I'm so glad to see that someone out there is using a search engine to learn how to smoke crack. Here are some recent search engine hits that brought people to this site:

Smoking Crack
Smoking Garlic
Altoids and Sex
Girls longest tongue
Tongue Burn Pain
Tongue Turned Black
Tongue in Pussy
Tongue Cancer
Introduction to Smoking
Hot Ass

(Sorry to disappoint!)

Tomorrow: Marie Sharp's Hot!


August 15, 2005

Day 28: CaJohn's Hot Chocolate

Full title: "CaJohns Fiery Foods Hot Chocolate Hot Sauce"

Everyone is a virgin about all topics at one time or another. Whether it's sex, learning to swim, finding the any key, driving a stick shift, or playing 52 pick-up.

So let me give you one for free. Allow me to spare you the 5 seconds of embarrassment. For those of you that already know this, feel free to pat yourself on your smug back. However deep down, I know you're remembering that moment...

I was handed this bottle by a hot sauce maker. I remember reading the label and saying to myself, "Ah yes, I hear that heat and sweet go together. I'm not surprised he merged the two."

Yesterday at lunch, a coworker sat next to me at work, and as usual, grabbed the hot sauce bottle to sample a drop. "Chocolate? Cool!" He unscrewed the cap and quickly brought the bottle up to his nose. He accidentally touched his nose to the top, getting a drop on his nose at the same time he took a big whiff. He eyes flew open and he whipped his head back faster than a car crash. Unsure if he should be concerned about the nostril hairs burning from the vapors or the fact that he had some of this shit on his nose.

So what's the big deal? Here you go:

So what does this sauce smell like? Well let me tell you what it smelled like to me at 6 a.m. making breakfast. It smelled like I made the wrong fucking hot sauce choice, that's for sure. I seriously considered going back to the basement to pick a new sauce.

What does this hot sauce taste like? Well let me tell you what it tastes like. It takes like raw habaneros dunked in vinegar. Because that's what a chocolate habanero is. I don't even have time to bitch about the vinegar, the flames kept me way too busy.

This stuff is strong. It's a quick heat, not a builder like El Yucateco. It's runny too.

I had a small bowl for breakfast to dunk my egg sandwich in. I'd feel sorry for that egg, except I was feeling too sorry for myself. For lunch I was little better off, and put some in my rice, topped with leftover chicken. Definitely sweated that one. For supper I lucked out, only 1/5th of the bottle left. This time, rice & beans with grilled shrimp. The shrimp I left untouched, but I'd occasionally got lit up by taking a bite out of the spiked rice & beans.

Bottoms Up, Dumb Ass!
I had extra time to get to work today, so I thought I'd do a shot of this stuff before driving off to work. Bad mistake. It only took 15 seconds for the heat to start building up in the back of my throat where the shot had hit. 2 minutes later I started wondering if my tonsils were going to fall out! My spit glands were flowing, I kept swallowing, it just made it hotter. I'm not used to the back of the throat being hot, usually the tongue. So I just kept trying to clearing my throat, swallow spit, and try not to think about drinking milk.

A few minutes later the heat had subsided. So I got ready to leave and 10 minutes later I was walking out the door to drive to work, when suddenly I felt a hot poker in my gut. I didn't feel well at all, and sprinted up to the bathroom. It was there that I created an angry shit that demanded to know why it was prematurely birthed into this world. I had no answers.

At work I ended up sprinting to the bathroom at about 2 p.m. There I spent 30 minutes wiping my ass with tinfoil. The only substance capable of withstanding the acid.

This sauce is hot. I think in moderation, it'd be an easy way to spice up a meal. I think a whole bottle in one day is a bit much. I'd write more, but I need to go to the bathroom again. Seriously.

Tomorrow: The weakest sauce I can find.

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August 14, 2005

Day 27: Tahiti Joe's Volcano Ahi

Full name: "Tahiti Joe's Volcano Ahi XHot Sauce"

I've had one other flavor from Tahiti Joe before, and it was amazing. So I've been looking forward to trying another bottle of his some day. Unfortunately this bottle doesn't look half as appetizing. So, much like my childhood of being picked last for Dodgeball, this little nerd gathered quite a layer of dust while his friends got eaten one by one.

He almost got picked last week, but the contents of the bottle had settled in multiple layers, so I put it back down in disgust. Yesterday I finally broke down and said what the hell. I have to eat you some time.

First thing I did was pour the top inch of the pure, clear vinegar out. Then I put the cap back on and mixed it up really well. Unfortunately, it was still quite runny, but hey, maybe it's a runny sauce.

Pouring it into my little bowl was a little messy. It was extremely runny, but had large floating chunks of crap that sort of plopped out of the bottle and made splashes. I basically ended up with a tub of black tar.

I put my finger in it to test the flavor, and was pleased that it was indeed, not tar. It actually had some flavor, and maybe even some heat. At least my fears of getting botulism were put to rest.

I used up most of the bottle just by dunking my brats in them for each bite. The remainder I put over some potato salad, and then into some roasted potatoes. Nothing was left over for supper.

Here's what's on the back of the label:
Explosive Heat!
You tried the Polynesian Hot Sauce and said it wasn't hot enough. Well, here it is... Volcano Ahi (Ahi is Polynesian for FIRE) This is the Extra Hot Version of the Polynesian. You can use and enjoy Volcano Ahi the same way as the Polynesian, just hotter with a great flavor. Tahiti Joe dares you to enjoy this sauce! P.S. Consult a Proctologist before using.

Looks like I need to write Joe and tell him THIS one wasn't hot enough either!

Sorry. I had no idea at the time this picture was taken that it would look so disgusting. Kind of funny that I burned my brat to be the same color as the sauce. What you're seeing in this picture is the au juice bowl AFTER I soaked up most of the runny parts. What is left now is the chunky parts I was talking about. Another interesting point is that the sauce looks pitch black in the bottle, and pitch black when I poured it in the bowl. But we can see in the thinner parts here that it has more of a dark brown color.

The flavor was above average. It reminded me of Caribbean sauces with worcester sauce in it. It wasn't too bad, just not great. There was hardly any heat, and without a distinct pepper flavor, I am hard pressed why you'd want to call it a hot sauce, or why you'd want to buy it. If I had to pick a food it might go well with, I'd say a Philly Cheesesteak.

Here's a few more of the Tahiti Joe Line:

Palm Beach
Tropical Garlic
Ahi of Kahuna XX with Cheese
Kumawanakilya XXX

Tomorrow: CaJohn's Hot Chocolate.

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August 13, 2005

Day 26: Ditka's Jalapeno Hot Sauce

Full title: "Ditka's Real Jalapeno Sauce"

Da Bears!
Da Sauce!

The former Bears coach Mike Ditka opened a restaurant in Chicago at the turn of the century. And instead of putting someone else's condiments on each table, he started to make his own. Currently he has 2 hot sauces, 5 mustards, a marinade, 2 steak sauces, a pork chop sauce, and a bbq sauce. All part of his "Ditka's Real Foods" line. They're suppose to be all over the Chicago area grocery stores, and now they're spreading outwards. Just last week we started seeing them in our stores.

I have no idea if they're relabels or not, it's really hard to find any information about them. The only curious tidbit I picked up on is one interesting item in the "Real Foods" line: Frozen pork chops for retail stores... The man must love pork chops.

It's been a long time since I've had a green vinegar sauce, and pretty much the reason why I picked this sauce yesterday. As usual, this one also had too much vinegar, zero heat, but a nice green jalapeno flavor. (I'm a sucker for jalapenos). I didn't use it for breakfast, but I did use most of it while eating lunch at a great Mexican Restaurant.

Pointing to each of the sauces, Ditka said, "I put this on everything. I put this on steak. I put this on pork. The green one? I haven't figured out a place to put it yet."

I couldn't agree more. This green sauce is just kind of an odd one out. I was lucky to use it at a Mexican restaurant that had used copious amounts of jalapenos in the burrito I was eating. I complimented the flavor slightly.

Bottoms Up!
Whoa. This was way more green vinegar than I'd ever want to eat at one time. I guess if you want to make a funny face, this is the way to do it. As with just about anything, use in moderation!
Tomorrow: Haven't decided yet.

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Day 25: Captain Curt's Electric Sauce

Full Title: "Captain Curt's Famous Lightning Electric Hot Sauce"

Following the rule that a hot sauce is guaranteed to suck if the owner's picture is on the label, Captain Curt doesn't disappoint. As a bonus, the rest of the label is a real mystery. We've got an anchor, a boat's steering wheel, and a compass. Curt must really like lightning. A lot. We have a lightning storm background, two shazaam type lightning bolts, the words "Famous Lightning" and this sauce is "Electric".

I decided to get online and find out a little bit more about Mr. Lightning Rod. With a unique name like Captain Curt's Hot Sauce, I figured it'd be pretty easy. Not quite. Turns out there's a Captain Curt Crab Shack in Florida, and they sell a Captain Curt's Hot Sauce also! I wish these 2 luck in their future trademark war.

Looks like Captain Curt is a bit of a super hero. He runs around in a foot tall chefs hat, and wears a red cape. I guess if I had a cool outfit like that, I'd put a picture of myself on the label too! He makes a famous BBQ sauce called the Boss Sauce, which I believe is his main shtick. The hot sauce thing is probably just an afterthought.

When I first cracked this sauce open yesterday morning to pour on my pizza, I was 100% ready for this to be just another relabeled red vinegar sauce. But my hopes shot way up after pouring some out. You could tell right away it looked different. The sauce was speckled with black dots, it seemed a little bit clearer, and instead of a deep red, it had a little more of a brown tint.

However, the excitement only lasted a few seconds, because after I took a bite, I realized the alternative wasn't that much better. The flavor had a subtle Picante flavor to it, which I never have liked. The vinegar used seemed a bit sour, although not as bad as some Organic Vinegars used in some hot sauces. And there was no distinct pepper flavor to at least make the journey worth it.

So it was nice to be tasting something different, but too bad it wasn't very good.

For lunch, I poured about half the bottle into a $23 leftover entree (Took my girlfriend out to eat last night at a fancy restaurant) This act certainly brought the value of the entree down to about $5.

For supper, we actually left town to visit some friends. They were having a small outdoor party to celebrate Friday or something. Now at a shindig like this, I usually am content to "rough it" and eat things heatless. However, when you're determined to eat a bottle of hot sauce a day, you can't ignore any of the meals. I still had a 1/4th of the bottle left, and I still needed to finish it. So there we are, sitting outside on lawn chairs, hunching over our plates that are in our laps, trying not to spill. And I have this hot sauce bottle I'm trying to pour inconspicuously onto my plate, and then balance on the grass while trying to keep the dogs from licking it. Just about everyone there had to notice. And they all took turns asking about the sauce. Oh, which one is it?

How embarrassing. Why couldn't today be something manly like Blair's Death Sauce? Or something funny like Ass in Space/Tub/Snow/Fire. Nope, I have to hand over ol' Captain Curt and his flying red cape for them to inspect. Cripes.

One good thing that came out of it was someone there knew a friend of a friend of his brother's who makes their own hot sauce. He's a one-legged man living alone in a cabin by a lake way up north, and is now selling the sauce online. I'll have to look into it.

Maybe his picture is on the label...

Tomorrow: Ditka Jalapeno Sauce.

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August 11, 2005

Day 24: El Yucateco - XXXtra Hot

Full title: "El Yucateco - Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero - XXXTra Hot"

I think that stands for "Heart Burn in a Bottle". Just smelling this sauce will cause your mouth and ass to clamp down. In the shot glass picture below, you can see different colored chunks and lines. I think those are blended stems from the actual chile peppers.

I picked this sauce yesterday because I knew there was a salsa competition at work. The lunch crew sell tacos, and we get to try all the contestants' salsas on them. I think fresh, cool salsa is the perfect thing to complement a really hot sauce like this one.

My first crack at this bottle was with a cold piece of pizza for breakfast. I brought it in to work, sat behind my screen, and as I typed up yesterday's review, I dabbed large amounts of this sauce on each pizza bite. And boy, did it light me up! Honestly, I can't believe this is only rated at 11,600 scovilles. Only 2,000 more than the green El Yucateco I so easily ate last week! I guess numbers don't really matter. This shit is hot.

Although breakfast didn't put much of a dent in finishing the bottle, lunch was another matter. After making a mountain of crumbled up tacos, I took this sauce and turned that mountain into an erupting volcano with green lava. I ate most of the meal in silence, concentrating on mixing everything very well, but occasionally getting pure sauce that caused my eyes to water. Although the room was well air conditioned, I was definitely sweating.

The flavor of this sauce is a little harder for me to pin down due to the heat. However, it is heavy on the chile flavor, smells great, and tastes great. It's really thick sauce, nothing like its green partner from last week. Of course this isn't something you'd really want dribbling down your chin and arms, probably leave burn marks. I have to say that I like the flavor of jalapenos better than the habaneros in this sauce. Other than that, I have no complaints. I LIKE things hot. This is hot. In normal day consumption, however, I just wouldn't eat a whole bottle in a day.

Supper: We went out to eat, and can you believe it, I forgot the bottle in the car!

Bottoms Up!
Oh boy.
I must admit I hesitated in slamming this one down the throat. Looking at that sauce was like staring into an evil cycloptic eye of heat. Patient. Eternally Hot. Does hot sauce have a half life? Maybe I could wait 2000 years before eating it?

I threw it in my mouth and swallowed it down. It was much more pleasant than I thought. I stood there for 30 seconds waiting for the pain, and it never came. I noticed that sauce was so thick, there was still some clinging to the sides of the shot glass. It settled to the bottom, and I drank the rest.

After 2 minutes, the pain finally started building up. And kept building. It was easy to tell the path the sauce took in my mouth. Unlike normal eating, the front half of my tongue was exempt. The shot had been slammed to the back of my mouth, so the base of my tongue, the back of throat, and my tonsils were on fire. It made breathing interesting. After about 2 minutes, the pain peaked, and 3 minutes later the heat was gone. All that was left was a flaming hole in my stomach that I squashed with a bottle of water.

And as much as I hate to admit it, there was no denying it. The trip to the bathroom this morning required a little cold water on the toilet paper to soothe things up down below.
This sauce gave a Flaming-O finale.

Tomorrow: Captain Curt's Electric

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Day 23: Jump Up And Kiss Me

Full name: "Jump Up And Kiss Me - Spicy Passion Fruit Sauce"

Here's a sauce I've never actually had before. I've heard of it for a long time, and even seen it, but never had the pleasure of trying it.

So what does passion taste like? My expertise in fruits don't go far beyond apples & oranges, so I'll have to defer to the ingredient list. Passion tastes like Papayas. Yep, this sauce is very papaya-ish. I think. Yes. Maybe. I guess.

Opening the bottle and smelling it begins the unique journey. It smells good, but different. (Papaya?) The taste is cloyingly sweet, with a lot going on in flavor immediately, and in the aftertaste. A lot of work went into making this sauce. I'm not a big fan of sweet foods, but I had no complaints while eating this sauce.

If I was going to be the wine connoisseur of hot sauces, I would probably have set this sauce aside until I had pork chops. It would be a great apple sauce replacement. It could also go well with chicken, especially in a salad. I'm sure a real chef could do a much better job at my Neanderthal attempts of matching spices here. And that's because of what this is. It's a chef's sauce. Almost an ingredient.

But I'm not a connoisseur. Not this week. I'm eating a hot sauce bottle every day, and I can't be discriminent. For breakfast I had a turkey & cheese bagel sandwich, slathered in Passion sauce. For lunch, I had a gourmet hot dog, slathered in Passion sauce. And for supper I had a few pieces of pizza, dipped in Passion sauce. If the creator of this hot sauce was reading this, she'd be shaking her head. However, I enjoyed each meal. The sheer quantity of sauce guaranteed that each bite was transformed into a sweet mystery. My only complaint was that it's sweeter than I like, and didn't have any heat. Sadly, this is the "spicy" version of the Passion line.

Who makes this?
Well, don't quote me on this, but it looks like Dave's Gourmet (creator of Dave's Insanity) is in charge of making these sauces, and possibly distributing them side by side with his insane line. However, he quotes on his web site that they were created and owned by Jennifer Trainer Thompson. Doing a quit lookup on her reveals a lot food books, and one called, Jump Up And Kiss Me - Spicy Vegetarian Cooking. I think it's safe to say that these ARE her sauces.

Remember those hot sauce posters? The ones that everyone wishes were real in their own home? Well, it looks like we can thank Jennifer for those! Yep, this lady has been busy.

The posters must be good sellers, because she also has similar posters for Olive Oils, Single Malt Scotches, and Beers! (I'm trying very hard to keep my credit card in my wallet right now)

Bottoms Up!
Check that dull green & brown color out. No fake ingredients here. No food coloring. You have to respect that. It tastes much better than it looks. And thankfully the label is pretty nice looking. Taking a shot of this, is kind of like volunteering to clean up after a birthday party and shoving a huge dallop of frosting into your mouth when no one is looking.
Sweet. Sinful & Guilty.

Here's a few other sauces from her line:

Jump Up & Kiss Me - Original
Jump Up & Kiss Me - Passion Fruit Sauce
Jump Up & Kiss Me - Smoky Chipotle Sauce

Tomorrow: El Yucateco - XXXtra Hot