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The Smoking Tongue

July 19, 2005


I can't wait to bore the world with my tales of Hot Sauce stupidity. I think blogs are pretty stupid. Except, of course, when I find a topic I like. Then I can't get enough of it.

I could read about hot sauce stuff all day, every day. So instead of bitching about how there isn't enough out there online to read about, I'm going to add to it.

I'm not going to claim you're going to like this blog. In fact, you should just leave right now.

So what's this blog going to be about?

1) Well, it's not going to be about recipes. Holy shit, I hate recipe sites. I don't live under a rock, so I know everyone and their mother loves them. Bless them. But here's my idea of a hot & spicy dish:

-Make some food you fucking like.

-Pour hot sauce all over the top. Voila.

2) I have nothing to sell. Every time I talk about a hot sauce, you won't see a link going to buymyshit.com every time. Sorry. I'm more than willing to steal pictures to illustrate my point, link to the manufacturer of the product (especially an unknown sauce) but otherwise you can get off your lazy ass and search in Google and find 30 sites that sell it. I have no ulterior motive here.

3) Oh, how I would love to get free samples in the mail each day and eat free hot sauces. But I like to be honest in my reviews, and if your hot sauce tastes like shit, I have a full thesaurus I can't wait to use describing the many levels of shitness you created. I seriously doubt anyone will ever want to send me their stuff. In fact, if they knew what city I was in, they might clear their product off the shelves, so that I never get a chance to review their crappy stuff.

4) I like to fucking swear, sometimes.

5) Good luck finding this site. I'm not going to tell anyone about this site, or ever link to it. I hope I get to write here for over a year before anyone finds it. This way, I can just write about what I want, the way I want, and not worry about what anyone thinks. I'm actually a pretty friendly guy, and would bend over backwards to help you and any of my friends out. But sometimes I just like to say something sarcastic, damn the consequences. So this is my one and only apology: If you ever read something bad here, don't take it personally. It's just a rant. If I think your hot sauce tastes like it fermented in your dog's ass for a year, or that your web site is ugly, don't worry! At least you have your health. Oh, and my site is even uglier.

6) Types of posts. Hopefully I can color code these. I intend to review each hot sauce I finish, or regal you with that day's painful story, if there is one. That probably won't happen every day, although I'd like to post every day.

a) A painful "Smoking Tongue" incident.

b) Hot sauce review.

c) Daily ramblings of what I ate, and with which hot sauce. (Probably boring)

d) Hot sauce in the news (But only with sarcastic commentary)



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