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The Smoking Tongue

July 28, 2005

Day 10: Frank's Xtra Hot Sauce


So there I was, eating lunch, sitting by the pond near our workplace. Pouring Frank's Xtra Hot on my sandwich and taking a big bite. Fire erupted from my mouth. The building's fire alarm went off. In the distance I could hear the sirens of the fire trucks coming this way. I jump in the pond and extinguish the fire from my mouth....steam billowing up, blocking out the sun....

And then I wake up from my dream. A beautiful, beautiful dream. I must have been day dreaming during my boring, bland, comatose lunch. Frank's Xtra Hot Sauce is Xtra crappy. A quick search online and I see that it's the same scoville rating as normal Tabasco. What the hell? The first question that comes to my mind is, just how mild is normal Original Frank's? Well, I guess I was just too enamored by the GREAT TASTE of it the other day to notice it was so mild. Frank's Xtra hot, on the other hand, tastes like a vinegar train wreck.

For breakfast, I grab the leftovers from last night. Some grilled chicken and macaroni & cheese. I like cold food, so I don't bother reheating it. I pour 1/4th of the bottle of Frank's Xtra hot over it, and chow down while surfing the internet. It's not really a good combination, but I chalk it up to the actual food. I mean... it's cold mac & cheese!

Twenty minutes later I get my ass chewed off by my girlfriend. Obviously my ESP was turned off that morning, otherwise I would have gotten the memo that I just ate her lunch.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know! Damn, that sure was good though," I lied. "I can make you a bologna sandwich instead." She's not happy. She makes me take the sandwich to lunch, instead.

For lunch I throw away my sandwich and go out to eat at Qdoba. A super fake Tex Mex restaurant charging restaurant prices for take out food. It's damn fine food for getting through a bottle of hot sauce, though. I pour, pour, bite. Pour, pour, bite. Before I know it, my whatever-I-randomly-bought is gone, and so is 3/4th of the bottle. It soaked in so well, I can't even complain about the taste.

Supper was a couple pieces of stromboli. I just poured the rest of the hot sauce in a small bowl and dipped the stromboli in it while watching TV. My girlfriend seemed to forgive me with a hint of satisfaction after I told her how miserable my lunch was while eating the bologna sandwich.

Frank's... Don't mess around with the original. You messed up the Xtra hot. It was Xtremely shitty. You lost all the flavor, and barely added any heat. I've also had the "Chile & Lime" version you came up with last year... I don't know what tequila induced coma your chefs were in when you made that shit, but I won't be attempting to eat a whole bottle in one day.

Tomorrow: Prairie Fire.

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