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The Smoking Tongue

July 31, 2005

Day 12: Burning Hole Hot Sauce

Burning Hole sounds nice & dangerous! I am assuming the burning hole doesn't really represent the hole on the front label, but the hole in my ass that supposedly will be burning if I eat this bottle.

Unfortunately, this turned out to be a just a normal vinegar sauce without much heat. I see that the creator of the sauce is, "Hot Sauce Harry". I just spent the last hour looking around on internet and reading what people call "re-labeling". The gist of this research is that some hot sauce makers will simply use the same sauce over and over but with different labels. Or even worse, they have someone else make this sauce, and they just make the labels. As I was looking at the sauces Hot Sauce Harry sells, I am curious if there are even 3 different types of sauces. For instance, he has a "hot sauce" for every college football team, and all the Major League Baseball teams… Damn sure they're all the same juice.

I guess I don't see the point in that. Maybe it makes all the hot sauce collectors out there excited. I'm not a collector, never keep the bottles (except to take pictures) so I guess I don't see the point in it. I have a color printer, and some sticky labels, I guess I could make a hot sauce for every Minor League baseball team out there. That'd be awesome.

Anyway, what a waste. I may have to try and stay away from Hot Sauce Harry's sauces. Because what's the point in reviewing the same sauce over and over. "Well today this sauce tasted just like yesterday, but look at this hell-arious label! Tune in tomorrow for another label!"

For supper I grilled hamburgers, and the girlfriend made some roasted potatoes. Since the sauce is so runny, I didn't really want to waste the time pouring it on the burger, and watch it drip down my arms (and that's if I was lucky). The potatoes were in the same boat, too. So I resorted to taking a bite, then swigging straight from the bottle. Bite. Swig. Bite. Swig.

"WTF?" My girl friend wasn't sure she believed what she saw out of the corner of her eye. I had to admit that, yes, that's exactly what I was doing. I explained why. She seemed to understand, in that shaking of the head, you're an idiot, sort of way.

Tomorrow: The big one!!

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July 30, 2005

Day 11: Prairie Fire Hot Peppersauce

-Canada's Original Peppersauce.

-1996 National Hot & Fiery Foods Show Winner

-A sauce so Canadian, it apologizes after it bites you.

-A unique sauce, that enhances the spice in your dish, but does not alter the flavor you are trying to achieve.

Here's a quote they should add to the label: "1996 called, and they want their artwork back".
Yea, yea, I know. 1998 called and they want their joke back.

Well the first thing I'll say about this sauce is that I'm awfully surprised it won an award. It's possible that the category was "Canadian Hot Sauces" and this was the only one registered back in 1996 (Being Canada's original hot peppersauce, after all)

The last quote is definitely out of whack. I'm sorry, but there was a lot of flavor in this sauce, most of it vinegar, and it was not inconspicuous. I can guarantee that my lunch tasted different with this sauce on it. (Although to be fair, I used 90% of this bottle on my spaghetti)

Also, I spent the whole day snickering to myself about how I was going to make fun of their big typo on the ingredient list. They have the #1 ingredient listed as Jalapeno Peppers. Their #2 ingredient is also Jalapeno Peppers. They also have their ingredients listed in French (of course) and they carried the typo over in the translation.

Turns out the joke is on me. I need glasses. The first ingredient is Japónes Peppers! I had to look them up, and it turns out these are those long, thin, red peppers native in China & Japan. I've actually had a few served to me before at a "Big Bowl" restaurant.

Breakfast: A quick & dirty turkey cheese sandwich. (Hey it's really breakfast food, just 3 hours early). When I poured this sauce on, it came out nice & thick. Extremely dark, dark green. Almost black. The sauce reminded me of a relish almost, but with more vinegar, more heat, and less pickles. (I guess that could be anything then)

Lunch: Spaghetti is the perfect hot sauce food. I've used whole bottles before in one sitting. Today was no different, I just poured the rest of the contents on my spaghetti when my coworkers weren't looking, and basically ate a relishy spaghetti. Not much heat at all.

Supper: Shit, I already finished the bottle. What am I going to do? Thoughts of eating 2 bottles a day crossed my mind, but I remember how hard it is finishing 1 bottle sometimes. I decided it was a good opportunity to get some HEAT into my diet. I dug out my Great White Shark Predator Hot sauce in celebration of this guy. I had about 1/6th of the bottle on my last 2 pieces of stromboli. I'm not sure I could do a whole bottle in one day due to the heat. But maybe some day we'll find out :)

Prairie Fire Summary: This sauce was a nice change of pace from all the red vinegar classics I've had so far. However, I found it only average. It would probably go pretty good with anything that enjoys pickles: Tuna fish sandwiches, chicken salad spread, potato salad, etc. Luckily, Canada has come a long way since 1996 in the hot sauce world. I remember last year when a friend of mine shared a bottle of Fusion Fire with me. Wow. Let's just say I'm looking forward to the day I attempt to finish that one here.

Tomorrow: Burning Hole.

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July 28, 2005

The Altoids Challenge

Do you like Altoids? Do you find them as addicting as I do? How many altoids do you usually have at a time? 1, 2, 3? I usually have 2. I've probably had as many as 5 at a time. They're "curiously strong", don't you know!

Do you remember that commercial on TV with the circus freaks, and the main attraction is the guy that can eat NOT 1, but 2 altoids at the same time! I always got a kick out of it.

Well, it's been a long time coming. I've often wondered if I could eat a whole tin of Altoids at one time. So I decided to try it out last night.

The container says there are "about" 70 mints in each tin. I took all the mints out and lined them up like army men to take a picture. And damn if there weren't exactly 70!

The dextrous part of the freak show comes next. Getting all the mints to fit in one hand without dropping any. Then, I tip my head back and start pouring them into my mouth, trying not to choke. Once my mouth was full, I looked at my hand and there were still about 20 left. Crap! Was the challenge over before I even started? As quick as I could, I started putting them individually in my mouth. Just when there doesn't seem to be any more room, the mints in the back of my mouth start to melt around the edges just a bit. They start to slide together in formation, giving just a little bit more room. Now I only have 10 left in my hand. Popped a few more in. 7 left, 6 left. (5 comes next), 4, 3, 2, 1. Finally.

So now I'm just standing there waiting for something to happen. A wave of panic crosses as I visualize my girlfriend walking in and asking me what I'm doing. "Nuttin' Honey?" I don't know which would be worse. Not being able to respond because my mouth is full, or actually explaining the idiotic thing I was doing.

(Nothing like pure-white mints to make my teeth look hillbilly yellow!)

After about 4 minutes, I realized I needed to swallow some spit. This was not easy. I almost choked when I started to swallow, and then stopped as I realized how much spit there was to swallow - without swallowing 70 mints in my mouth! A little bit of rearranging, a tilt of the head to induce gravity, and I took my first 40 ounce swallow. NASTY! To say it was minty, would be an understatement. I now know how they bottle up Listerine. They do this, and spit in a bottle.

So now the juices are really flowing, and I'm swallowing every minute. To be honest, the "curiously strong" factor of the mints are NOT wreaking havoc on my tongue and mouth. It is at this moment that I suddenly realize that maybe I should have chewed these as part of the challenge. I know that chewing them gives this extra boost in XTREME flavor, but it's temporary. To be honest, it never crossed my mind when I started this challenge, because I thought chewing them would be cheating.

By the way, here is a video of a brave young man chewing a tin of Cinnamon Altoids. Warning... It's long and boring. Kind of like this post.

Update: Another video. Another chewing of the Cinnamon - looks like I'm in the wrong league!

Ten minutes later I stand up to quit the challenge. I'm not feeling well at all, and am afraid I'm going to throw up. I feel like I've swallowed a gallon of minty fresh spit. I never imagined in a million years this is what I would be going through. I thought I'd just weather the super minty pain on the tongue. Instead, the world's best smelling puke is about to spray across the carpet.

The mints are only half way dissolved. If I'm only half way done, and I'm feeling this bad, there is no way I can make it. I stand at the door, with my hand hovering above the handle. Just beyond is a utility sink to spit the vileness out. As I hesitate, I envision all the things of my life I never finished: 8th grade. My application to McDonalds. Mowing the yard. Paying the bills. I don't think I could live with another failure in my life.

I take another swallow. I grimace in pain. I go sit back down at the computer. Maybe, just maybe I can make it through this. I try to pass the time by downloading porn. Then I quit, not wanting to associate sex with mints or pain.

For the next 10 minutes, I'm reluctant to swallow. However, that will just prolong the agony. I'm screwed.

Eventually, the mints are so small, I can swirl them around in the lake of spit I refuse to swallow. I'm almost done. I can see the other side of the rainbow. And I'm going to get my lucky charms.

Eventually I swallow the last of it.
Time passed: 29 minutes.

I wonder if my farts will smell minty fresh tomorrow.

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Day 10: Frank's Xtra Hot Sauce

So there I was, eating lunch, sitting by the pond near our workplace. Pouring Frank's Xtra Hot on my sandwich and taking a big bite. Fire erupted from my mouth. The building's fire alarm went off. In the distance I could hear the sirens of the fire trucks coming this way. I jump in the pond and extinguish the fire from my mouth....steam billowing up, blocking out the sun....

And then I wake up from my dream. A beautiful, beautiful dream. I must have been day dreaming during my boring, bland, comatose lunch. Frank's Xtra Hot Sauce is Xtra crappy. A quick search online and I see that it's the same scoville rating as normal Tabasco. What the hell? The first question that comes to my mind is, just how mild is normal Original Frank's? Well, I guess I was just too enamored by the GREAT TASTE of it the other day to notice it was so mild. Frank's Xtra hot, on the other hand, tastes like a vinegar train wreck.

For breakfast, I grab the leftovers from last night. Some grilled chicken and macaroni & cheese. I like cold food, so I don't bother reheating it. I pour 1/4th of the bottle of Frank's Xtra hot over it, and chow down while surfing the internet. It's not really a good combination, but I chalk it up to the actual food. I mean... it's cold mac & cheese!

Twenty minutes later I get my ass chewed off by my girlfriend. Obviously my ESP was turned off that morning, otherwise I would have gotten the memo that I just ate her lunch.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know! Damn, that sure was good though," I lied. "I can make you a bologna sandwich instead." She's not happy. She makes me take the sandwich to lunch, instead.

For lunch I throw away my sandwich and go out to eat at Qdoba. A super fake Tex Mex restaurant charging restaurant prices for take out food. It's damn fine food for getting through a bottle of hot sauce, though. I pour, pour, bite. Pour, pour, bite. Before I know it, my whatever-I-randomly-bought is gone, and so is 3/4th of the bottle. It soaked in so well, I can't even complain about the taste.

Supper was a couple pieces of stromboli. I just poured the rest of the hot sauce in a small bowl and dipped the stromboli in it while watching TV. My girlfriend seemed to forgive me with a hint of satisfaction after I told her how miserable my lunch was while eating the bologna sandwich.

Frank's... Don't mess around with the original. You messed up the Xtra hot. It was Xtremely shitty. You lost all the flavor, and barely added any heat. I've also had the "Chile & Lime" version you came up with last year... I don't know what tequila induced coma your chefs were in when you made that shit, but I won't be attempting to eat a whole bottle in one day.

Tomorrow: Prairie Fire.

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Day 9: Frank's Red Hot Pepper Sauce

Frank's Hot sauce is a huge favorite in this nation. I kind of wonder if it's because this is the sauce most people use when making chicken wings?

Lunch was great. I had a large hot dog, a cup of baked beans, and a cup of potato salad. Luckily, I didn't put any hot sauce on my potato salad. Coworkers would have had a field day with that one. I did, however, sink a large amount in the beans, and a scary amount in my hot dog.

One of the downsides of eating this much hot sauce is the smell. Especially when you're at a restaurant and ask for hot sauce, they usually bring back Tabasco. When you pour any decent size amount on your entree, there is a ball of gas that forms up from the vinegar, and it doesn't always go straight up. It's like a grenade... pull the pin... wait 3 seconds: "Oh my gawd! I can smell that from here!!" (Yes lady, but imagine the taste!)

Same thing today with Frank's. Even though we were eating outside, the smell wafted up to my nostrils. And it smelled SO DAMN GOOD! So Good. Delicious! Visions of bunnies running through pepper patches. Err, that's a movie, right? I'm seriously considering buying 10 gallon jugs of Frank's and taking a bath in it. I think we have a winner here. During this tour through the classic sauces this last 2 weeks, this is definitely the winner for me in the vinegar division.

Supper was grilled chicken, a brat, and macaroni cheese. I poured the rest of the bottle over the whole plate, and wish I had more. This was a good hot sauce day.

Tomorrow: Xtra Hot version.

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July 27, 2005

Day 8: Crystal (Extra Hot) Hot Sauce

The hotter & spicier version of Crystal? I had my doubts, but my doubts were set aside with a nice warm tingle through lunch & supper.

Breakfast: A quick & fast egg sandwich. I was so damn late for work, that I poured hot sauce so fast on the sandwich, that I got some on the counter. Then I wolfed it down like a dog finding a bratwurst under the grill.

Lunch, at least, was a more formal affair. I went to that fancy, 4 star restaurant called Subway. A 12" veggie sandwich with lettuce, tomato, onion, green pepper, jalapeno pepper, banana pepper, and hot mustard. I whipped out my book, and started reading. Before each bite I shook the hot sauce over the part of the sandwich I was about to eat and took my bite. Read. Shake. Bite.

The vinegar mixed very well with the vinegar based items already in the sandwich: jalapeno peppers, banana peppers, and the mustard. By the time I was done with the sandwich, I was actually sweating. My mouth was pleasantly buzzing. I was below the 1/2 way mark on the bottle.

For supper my girlfriend and I had stromboli. I put the rest of the hot sauce into a small au juice bowl, and dunked each bite in, soaking up as much as I could. (I certainly wish these sauces were a bit thicker) Much like lunch, my mouth was burning by the time I was finished. Except this time I dribbled hot sauce down my shirt. (OINK!)

I also timed it perfectly to finish the bottle at the last bite.

So a big thumbs up to Crystal Extra Hot Hot Sauce. What they need to do, though, is make THIS their normal hot sauce. Then they can turn around and make an Extra Hot sauce that would be the absolutely perfect heat level. If what I ate today was the "baseline" of all typical vinegar hot sauces, then the world would be a better place. That's right, we need to raise what is considered "average" around here!

Tomorrow: Frank's.


July 25, 2005

Week 1: Tour de Hot Sauce

Well that concludes week 1 of whatever this is. Look at all that vinegar drunk. I’m not sure how long I can keep this up, but if I can get through the 2nd week, especially with what I have planned for this weekend, then I think I’m set for months.

I’m a big fan of the Tour de France, so have been silently calling this endeavor the "Tour de Hot Sauce". Last night I messed around with a logo. Hopefully I can tinker with the restrictions on this site and get it showing up at the top some day.

The tour in France allows rest days, and only lasts 21 stages. I think 100 should be a minimum for me, and I don’t think rest days sounds very appealing. "Man eats hot sauce every other day" just doesn’t sound as amazing. Then again, this isn’t very amazing either. But at least it gives me something to post about every day.


Day 7: Crystal Hot Sauce

Here's another popular hot sauce. I'm pretty sure you can find this hot sauce in most grocery stores, although I don't ever recall seeing one in a restaurant.

This sauce comes in a unique bottle of 6 fluid ounces, not 5. It also comes with a pretty boring label, and much more boring flavor. I'm not sure how Baumer Foods got this guy to be popular enough to be in the top 4 for market share. (Legacy?) But I'm pretty sure if you run across someone that claims Crystal as their favorite hot sauce, the reason is because they like their sauce a little bit weaker. Nothing wrong with that, but this sauce definitely punches less impact in heat, and a lot less tart vinegar flavor.

Since the bottle is a bit bigger, I broke the seal early in the morning. 1 fried egg sandwich later, and 1 fluid ounce lighter, breakfast was over.

For lunch I had a cup of chili. I kept pouring and pouring and pouring Crystal into the chili, attempting to get below half way. Made for a pretty weak chili that tasted like Crystal Hot sauce. Surely, there is a better way to drink a bottle of hot sauce a day?

For supper, I soaked a ham sandwich in this hot sauce, and had a can of mixed vegetables. I like a lot of salt on my veggies, but didn't need to today. Just poured the rest of the sauce over the veggies, and you have all the salt you need. You might not think they go together, but... well, they probably don't. But it worked for me.

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$20 Spicy Chef Challenge #1

Victim: Carlos O'Kellys
Winner: Me

Sunday night we ate at Carlos O'Kellys Mexican Restaurant. I got there early, and nursed some beers while waiting for my girlfriend and her mom to show up. The waitress was friendly, but looked pretty bored in her section. As I was perusing the menu, I came across their "spiciest" dish: Más Macho Burro. It had a spicy icon picture next to it and everything! It must be hot. Well, of course it's not really. But an idea struck me at that moment.

When the waitress came by to take our orders, I asked her, "Do your cooks have any leeway in making their dishes? Can they make it more spicy or less spicy?"

She saw me pointing to the Mas Macho Burro in the menu and replied, "Oh yes, they can make it as spicy as you wish! That entree is definitely spicy."

I smile back at her. My girlfriend looking up from her margarita with a puzzled look on her face. "I have a challenge for chef. If he can make this dish so spicy that I can't finish it, I'll give him twenty bucks."

The waitress’s eyes lit up. Her boring night just took a turn for the better. "I'll be sure to tell him EXACTLY what you said." She practically ran back to the kitchen.

Now the cool thing here is how I worded this challenge. Normally if you ask your server to bring your dish extra spicy, you immediately run into two problems. First, "extra spicy" is relative. And let me cut to the chase, I'm a god among mere mortals in this realm. Second, if it's too hot, some asshole customer will bitch and return the dish, getting the waitress and the cook in trouble. Hell, they could even be sued if it hurt the customer.

But what I did that night was give the cook permission to fuck me up. Hell, I endorsed him. Challenged him. Practically called his momma bland. Not only is the gauntlet thrown down, but the limits were removed. If I took one bite, and it was too hot, I would CONGRATULATE him with $20. It's absolutely brilliant, if I do say so myself.

So quite a few minutes later the waitress comes by with more drinks, and I make eye contact and ask slyly, "So, is the chef up to it?"

"Oh my god, yes! He was jumping around yelling, 'Get me the atomic sauce! Grab those jalapenos'," she replied.

I smile, "Can't wait".

It wasn't long after that we got our meals. I swear to god that the kitchen cooked our meals first, making everyone else in the restaurant wait. The waitress gives everyone their plate, and then does me last. With a big flourish of the arm, and nasty grin, she puts down the biggest fucking plate I've ever seen. "Remember, the whole thing. Or Twenty Bucks! Oh yea, he said to use these too," and put down 2 more hot sauce bottles on the table.

Holy shit. The burrito was 14 inches long, if it was 3. It was huge. And the fuckers filled up the rest of the plate with extra rice and extra beans. I am pretty sure the table tilted in my direction due to the weight. I suddenly realized there was a loophole in my challenge. He supersized me. After the shock, I had to smile. The chef showed some ingenuity. Not only was it a heat challenge, now it was a quantity challenge. In my mind, I could hear him snickering in the kitchen.

Well, like they say, each marathon starts with the first step. Already conceding defeat, I took my first bite anyway. DAMN, it was good. Usually I pick chicken as the meat, but I didn't want to fiddle with the ingredients when I ordered this challenge, so I was stuck with the shredded beef. I'm glad - it was excellent. The tortilla was bursting in capacity - every time I cut into the tortilla, jalapeno slices spilled out, skating down on all the atomic sauce.

I had to laugh at the 2 hot sauces she brought me. There was already a Cholula bottle on the table when I came in, My half bottle of Tabasco was sitting next to it, and she brings out Original Louisiana and Pickapeppa Sauce. Basically, 4 of the weaker sauces in the world. The cook should have realized that their Atomic sauce is much hotter than any of these. But to follow his rules, I splashed some of both on the top. I would have used more, but I needed to finish the Tabasco bottle during this meal.

Half way through the tortilla, I ate the garnish: Half a raw jalapeño. Now this was the hottest thing on the plate. My mouth felt a low buzzing, and I enjoyed a nice mellow glow for about 5 minutes. It was really enjoyable then.

The waitress came by quite often, stopping once and asking me how it was. I told her it was delicious, that the cook did a bang up job. Best meal I've had in quite a while. She looked a little disappointed, "Did you try the hot sauce too?" I told her yes, but the sauces aren't hot. "You're nuts," she said and walked away.

Well, I am extremely embarrassed to admit it, but I finished the whole damn plate. I was full. Very full. But not gut busting full. Fuck, I need to go on a diet.

When she came back at the end of the meal, she asked for my plate. "He wants to see proof that you ate it all." I explained to her that it was a nice try, but he probably just doesn't have the right tools for the challenge. Those sliced jalapenos that come out of a large jar are more pickled than hot. The Atomic sauce is delicious, but not atomic, and the hot sauces were pretty mild sauces. The only hot thing on the plate was the garnish, and even that was yummy. Next time he should sneak more of the garnish inside the tortilla, then at least we'd be getting somewhere.

It was a hell of a lot of fun, and I'm going to do this every time I go out now.
I left the waitress a 20% tip, and gave the cook the same amount. A "Nice try though!" written on the check.

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Day 6: Tabasco Habanero

Well, this stuff is much better than normal Tabasco. It supposedly has twice the amount of heat, and I think just tastes better. They had to have more pepper mash per vinegar, so I think it helps the flavor that much more.

But what I don't buy is Tabasco's marketing for this product. Sure, sure, you have the largest market share in the world for hot sauces. And all the bland sheeple in the world thinks that your hot sauce is hot. But shit, you didn't invent the hottest sauce in the world!

"Not for the weak of heart, our TABASCO® brand Habanero Pepper Sauce is a Jamaican-style pepper sauce that will knock your socks off."

-My socks are still on.

"Made with the world's hottest pepper, blah blah blah.... blah blah blah... And though the results are deceptively fruity, TABASCO® Habanero Pepper Sauce is a totally fiery hot sauce.."

-Actually I find the description and claims deceptively fruity.

"The hottest sauce in the Family of Flavors, TABASCO® brand Habanero Pepper Sauce has a Scoville Unit Rating of 7,000 to 8,000 Scoville Units (The Scoville Rating Scale is the standardized yardstick of hotness in food)."

-Lies! All lies.

I know that it can be hard to make the same batch of heat every single time, but Tabasco Habanero Pepper Sauce has been listed at 5,200 scoville units quite a few times at other sources. I'm more inclined to believe this sauce is twice as hot as the original, but not 3 to 4 times hotter. Not only that, but El Yucateco makes sauces in that range, and they're very hot when compared to this.

I used half the bottle during lunch on my bratwursts. The rest I easily used up on a grilled cheese & ham sandwich, and a few drops in my tomato soup. My grocery stores have never carried a 5 ounce version of this bottle. I didn't even know they made a 5 ounce version. Looking online this morning I see that they do. Hopefully this isn't considered "cheating". I was working with what I had. If I ever run across a 5 ounce size bottle in the future, I'll buy it, and prove that I can eat the whole bottle in one day.

Tomorrow, I go with the another top leader: Crystal.

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July 24, 2005

Day 5: Tabasco Hot Sauce

Tabasco. Who hasnn't heard of this sauce? Who hasn't seen this sauce? And how many people relate the words "hot sauce" to Tabasco alone?

In 1868, Edmond McIlhenny packaged his aged sauce in 350 used cologne bottles and sent them as samples to wholesalers. He was picked up by General Hazard's brother in New York, and the rest is history. In 2002, they unearthed the oldest known bottle of Tabasco in Nevada. 130 years old! The bottle's design has changed a bit since then, but not the way its made. Supposedly they age the pepper mash in oak barrels for 3 years before they use it. In today's age of cutting corners, I have to admit, Tabasco is high quality.

That doesn't mean I'm a huge fan. Too much vinegar for my taste.

Years ago, I somehow started using Tabasco. Just a few drops here and there in some soups - anything more, and it would be too spicy! Wow, times have changed. If you told me then that some day I could eat a whole bottle in one day, or drink it straight without any problems, I would have called you crazy.

Eventually I started buying bigger bottles of Tabasco to keep up with the amounts I was using. And then one day I was eating at a Cajun type restaurant, and tried the sauce on their table: Original Louisiana Cajun Hot Sauce. I was hooked, and switched to that brand for the next year. Eventually, I switched to other brands, and then found a whole new world of hot sauces that don't even use vinegar. That's when I became a hot sauce snob, and turned my noses down to runny vinegar sauces.

Anyway, it's nice to be touring these sauces again. Instead of relying on my shaky memory of how Tabasco tastes, I get to analyze it once again.

My first meal was breakfast. The #1 food to have with Tabasco is definitely eggs. Unfortunately, I screwed up and scrambled them. Big mistake. I should have kept them sunny side up, or over easy. Tabasco is EXTREMELY runny, and they didn't cling to my scrambled eggs at all. They fell to the bottom. Plus the memory of perfect Tabasco & eggs is definitely when it mixes with the runny yolk. I'll have to remember for next time. However, despite this hang-up, I surprisingly finished half the bottle with my eggs! And even more surprising was that my mouth was actually aglow with a nice warm buzz. Exactly the reason I eat spicy foods. I did NOT get this feeling with any of the other sauces earlier this week.

Oh Tabasco, how I've mocked you before, but your tart, vinegary flavor still packs a small wallop. From this day forth, I will never mock you or anyone that claims you're hot.

With half the bottle gone, and lunch & supper yet to come, I knew I'd be able to finish this sauce no problem. Unfortunately, we had to skip lunch. So that night I find myself stuck at a restaurant, looking at a huge plate of food already slathered in their Atomic Sauce, trying to figure out how I'm going to finish the rest of this Tabasco bottle. I poured most of it in my rice and refried beans, and simply grimaced down a too-tart, too-vinegary, 20 mouthfuls.

Believe me when I say, Tabasco was not meant to be used in this way.

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July 23, 2005

Day 4: Tapatio Hot Sauce

Yesterday I devoured another picante type sauce, Tapatio. Wait, that's not right. Where's that special key? Tapatío. Ah, that's better.

So íf Cholula hot sauce ís Coke, then Tapatío ís Pepsí. Instead of a woman on the front, wíth a basket on her head, ít's got a pícture of a guy on ít wíth a bíg sombrero on hís head. I thínk he's Juan Valez's brother. He doesn't líke coffee, but he líkes pícante sauce.

So what's the dífference? Besídes the pícture, of course. Well, I'd be hard pressed to say. I'm goíng to go out on a límb here, and say, that ít díd not have quíte as much pícante flavor that Cholula had. And íf that flavor ís what makes people cookoo for Cholula, then I'm guessíng Tapatío comes ín 2nd because ít has less.

Oh yea, ít also has a boríng red cap. Retards. That aín't goíng to beat a wooden knob.

For lunch, I had a bowl of soup, and small amount of pasta. Thís pasta quíckly turned orange as I poured the shít out of the hot sauce bottle. It dídn't taste too bad, and ít soaked up the sauce quíte well. I put some super hot Blaír's Jersey Death sauce ín my soup for heat, and then poured a small amount (1/5th bottle) of Tapatío ín ít for good measure. (Gotta use the sauce any way you can!)

For supper my gírlfríend and I went to an all you can eat físh fry. (The sky ís the límít for her!) I had some hashbrowns that REALLY soaked up the hot sauce really well. I should have used more, because ít was díffícult to use the rest of the bottle on the físh. Eventually I managed, but was way too full. I felt líke hurlíng, but kept ít down. I was mostly afraíd of what color ít would look líke wíth all that orange sauce I ate.

When I got home, I barely ran to the bathroom ín tíme for one of the bíggest ASSplosíons ever. Thanks a lot, Cholula.

Tomorrow, míght as well get ít over with... Tabasco.

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July 22, 2005

Day 3: Cholula Hot Sauce

Ahhh, Cholula. Many entry-level hot sauce enthusiasts claim Cholula to be their favorite hot sauce of all time. I agree that it has a unique flavor when compared to Tabasco and Frank's. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure it’s the Pequin peppers they use. I've had a pure picante hot sauce in a plastic bottle imported from Mexico, and I can taste this 'picante' flavor in Cholula. Luckily it wasn't too strong, because I really couldn't get through that plastic bottle.

Cholula has been made in Chapala, Mexico for 3 generations. They chose the name after the oldest inhabited city of Mexico: Cholula. Supposedly, they're still owned and operated by the original family. That's about as long as McIllhenney's claim to fame for Tabasco. That's impressive. More impressive is the genius who said, "Let's put a wooden knob on the top of every bottle!" Now you can see & recognize a bottle of Cholula all the way across a restaurant.

For lunch yesterday, I had a Chicken Cacciatore & Mostaccioli. It was heaped with a great stew like sauce that just begged to be doused in hot sauce. I put half the bottle on it, and set to work. To spice it up, though, I had to add a drop of Blair's Jersey Death sauce.

For supper, I mixed some Cholula into my 7-layer salad. Mixed very well with the mayo. I then started to make egg sandwiches. Unfortunately, my girlfriend piped up and said, "Just make sure you save me 6 eggs for tomorrow". There were 7 eggs. So.... I put the 6 back in the fridge and grilled my lone egg. Disappointed, I rummaged around figuring out what could go with the rest of the hot sauce. Not to mention, fill me up.

I settled for a tuna fish sandwich. As I was mixing the tuna in a bowl with the rest of the Cholula, the cats came running. "Tuna! Tuna! I smell tuna from 40 feet away!" Man, I wanted to 'accidentally' let the cats get at the bowl SO BAD. Can you imagine a cat attempting to eat the most delicious thing in the world, but fighting down the feeling of a burning mouth? It would have been awesome.

Less awesome is how much trouble I would have gotten into from my girlfriend. So, I shooed them away, "No kitty, these are my cheesy poofs!"

The size of the Cholula bottle with its wooden knob was quite daunting. It looked like I had my work cut out for me. But it's only 5 ounces, just like every other normal sized hot sauce. And I had little to worry about. The food I ate that day begged to be doused, and before I knew it, the bottle was empty.

Tomorrow I'll be going with its main rival, another picante flavored sauce: Tapatio.

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July 21, 2005

Day 2: Chef Paul's Magic Pepper Sauce

Yesterday morning before work I swung by the grocery store to pick up some more hot sauces. I was running a little late, so decided to pick up some Krispy Kreme donuts for the department. Become a local hero for the day. Have them forget I came in at 8:15 a.m.

So today I decided to quaff Chef Paul Prudhomme's Magic Pepper Sauce.

Napoleon: "It's pretty much my favorite sauce. It's like vinegar and salt mixed... bred for its skills in magic"

You can usually tell a hot sauce sucks ass when they pimp a chef's picture on the label. I dare you to prove me wrong. That anal leakage they call Emeril's should prove my case outright. Chef Paul's is no different. To call it MAGIC just takes the cake though. The only magic involved is that someone, somewhere, is buying this sauce at all, because it's still on our grocer's shelf.

I found the taste to be a weaker version of Tabasco, but a lot sweeter. Looking at the ingredients, it looks like they added two forms of sugar. (Which we shall call magic sprinkles)

For lunch I had a monster hot dog, and a cup of beans. The beans were so dry, that pouring a third of the bottle in and mixing it up well really helped a lot. For the hot dog, I didn't get ketchup and instead doused it liberally with the hot sauce. Enough to make my friend laugh out loud.

For supper we had chicken parmigiana, and I was able to kill the bottle easily into the dish without making much of a dent in general feng shui of the dish.

The only good thing about this hot sauce is that it's damn cheap. I think it was under a buck. Plus, it wasn't like it tasted bad or anything. It's just another typical red vinegar sauce. A Tabasco ripoff. I'm really surprised at the number of people that claim that Frank's is the shit, or Tabasco is the best, or Cholula is their all time favorite. Just grab a jug of Vinegar, some red dye, and get it over with. It's like arguing over which American Lite Beer is best.

Cholula tomorrow!

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July 20, 2005

Day 1: Chili Dog Hot Sauce

Last Night we were at the Great Dog restaurant. How fitting that the random hot sauce I brought in with me was called "Chili Dog".

Since I had skipped lunch due to a timing accident, I was hungry. I first ordered a Beer Cheese Soup. Surprisingly it was white cheddar, and it really tasted good. Then I poured 1/4th of the hot sauce bottle in there and stirred it up. Now, instead of white, I had a nice bloody looking soup. To my surprise, floating around the soup were sliced bratwursts. Great soup!

When that was finished, they brought out the Chicken Enchiladas that I ordered. It came with black beans on the side, and spanish rice. Perfect for mixing in large quantities of hot sauce.. I poured the rest of the hot sauce over the whole plate, and went to work.

Chili Dog Hot Sauce is a typical red vinegar sauce, falling in the range of Frank's, Tabasco, Cholula, and every other typical red vinegar sauce. Since the bottle says it was "made for Peppers" (a famous hot sauce store on the East Coast) I am positive this is just a relabeled hot sauce. I'm not a big fan of vinegar, so I rank it right down there with all the other typical red vinegar sauces. Not to mention it probably IS just the same shit, literally.

So, that was the sauce I poured on for flavor. I then sprinkled a nice dose of Blair's Death Rain Nitro for heat. Blair's makes a nice range of dry rubs. Last time I ordered there I got the Death Rain Habanero. However, I went through that way too fast, so I ordered the next notch up. According to the description it's the same Habanero flakes, but sprayed with extract. I actually like the taste better, and there's definitely more heat.

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July 19, 2005


I can't wait to bore the world with my tales of Hot Sauce stupidity. I think blogs are pretty stupid. Except, of course, when I find a topic I like. Then I can't get enough of it.

I could read about hot sauce stuff all day, every day. So instead of bitching about how there isn't enough out there online to read about, I'm going to add to it.

I'm not going to claim you're going to like this blog. In fact, you should just leave right now.

So what's this blog going to be about?

1) Well, it's not going to be about recipes. Holy shit, I hate recipe sites. I don't live under a rock, so I know everyone and their mother loves them. Bless them. But here's my idea of a hot & spicy dish:

-Make some food you fucking like.

-Pour hot sauce all over the top. Voila.

2) I have nothing to sell. Every time I talk about a hot sauce, you won't see a link going to buymyshit.com every time. Sorry. I'm more than willing to steal pictures to illustrate my point, link to the manufacturer of the product (especially an unknown sauce) but otherwise you can get off your lazy ass and search in Google and find 30 sites that sell it. I have no ulterior motive here.

3) Oh, how I would love to get free samples in the mail each day and eat free hot sauces. But I like to be honest in my reviews, and if your hot sauce tastes like shit, I have a full thesaurus I can't wait to use describing the many levels of shitness you created. I seriously doubt anyone will ever want to send me their stuff. In fact, if they knew what city I was in, they might clear their product off the shelves, so that I never get a chance to review their crappy stuff.

4) I like to fucking swear, sometimes.

5) Good luck finding this site. I'm not going to tell anyone about this site, or ever link to it. I hope I get to write here for over a year before anyone finds it. This way, I can just write about what I want, the way I want, and not worry about what anyone thinks. I'm actually a pretty friendly guy, and would bend over backwards to help you and any of my friends out. But sometimes I just like to say something sarcastic, damn the consequences. So this is my one and only apology: If you ever read something bad here, don't take it personally. It's just a rant. If I think your hot sauce tastes like it fermented in your dog's ass for a year, or that your web site is ugly, don't worry! At least you have your health. Oh, and my site is even uglier.

6) Types of posts. Hopefully I can color code these. I intend to review each hot sauce I finish, or regal you with that day's painful story, if there is one. That probably won't happen every day, although I'd like to post every day.

a) A painful "Smoking Tongue" incident.

b) Hot sauce review.

c) Daily ramblings of what I ate, and with which hot sauce. (Probably boring)

d) Hot sauce in the news (But only with sarcastic commentary)